I am new and my first post

[new survivor]

I am new and scared to be writing on here as it all becomes real and shows that I now trying to deal with what has happened in my life.

I am writing on here as my very first post. I have recently left an abusive relationship which was both emotional and mental abuse. I finally found the strength to be able to leave and realise that I have been being abused by by husband for a long time without being able to see it. I made the decision to end the marriage and walked out of the home back to my parents.

I am struggling at the moment to be able to get through each day. I manage to go to work and put on that face that you need to get through each day (detail removed by moderator). I am trying to build up the courage to speak to the helplines but have been too scared and anxious too as worry that I will be judged. This is my fear as have not had the support from my friends since the break up, they encouraged me to end the marriage and to go on it alone and that I would be better off without him, but then they have not been near or spoken to me when I have asked them for help. They just say that I need to get over it and get on with the fact that I have been abused and begin to live life. They do not see how hard each day is to get through and the battle which needs to be endured most days to even get out of bed and deal with the day.

Whilst in my relationship and marriage the relationship was abusive. I was told what to do, when I could do it, and how to do things. If I went out with my friends there were constant messages of when will you be back, you are not paying enough attention to me. I was also told how to do everything from the washing to putting things away and if it was not right I was made to apologise and correct it. I was also put in my place by his parents who constantly told me that I was not a good enough wife and that I did not pay him enough attention and that I put my job before the marriage and relationship and that things were not good enough in the house and that I needed to do more to make him feel happier. I was expected to do everything – the cooking, the cleaning, sorting out, shopping, presents and everything else that needs to be done in a house but then do my full time (detail removed by moderator) job. I would come home to him sitting on the sofa playing on his x box waiting for me to get in and make tea in the way that it was wanted. I was off work for (detail removed by moderator)weeks diagnosed with (detail removed by moderator), linked to migraines and exhaustion along with severe depression. Whilst I was off work and could barely get up and down stairs it would be expected that I have tea ready for when he got in and was shouted at if I had not done anything in the house.

I have been constantly told that I am not good enough and a failure and that noone will ever want me in life because I am not good enough and not strong enough and that I do not look good enough. My clothes were chosen by me by him and his mother and if I chose clothes I was told that I did not look nice or looked silly or not attractive.
The clothes which were got were older clothes and I was not allowed to say that I did not like then and would be asked why I had not worn them.

Over years there were constant arguments over the thought that I did not have enought time for my husband and he felt that he came fourth in line and that I put work, my religion and family before him. I constantly had to justify myself and what I was doing and ask for acceptance by him and his family.

He made it very difficult for me to spend time with my family having a difficult relationship with my family and there was always reasons as to why he could not go to family gatherings or visit and made it extremely difficult for me to spend time with my family. When he did come he made it so uncomfortable that I would want to or be made to leave quickly which caused upset in my family and I did not know what to do. All y family did not like him and he did not like my family but I wanted to spend time with them both.

I was also made to feel bad for having a religious belief and wanting to follow that belief and spend time at church and helping other people at church.

It was hard as all the time I try to please him and all I wanted was a compliment or a thank you or a you look nice but I had to prompt to get a reaction other than a negative one. I always worried what I looked like and that people were judging me as I left my house. I would always do what was expected and would check that everything was ok that I has done. I was made out to believe that anything that happened was my fault and that it was because I did not give enough attention or do things in the way in which they were expected.

The ultimate hurt was that in a previous relationship I was physically abused and I was straight with him from the beginning that this would have an affect on the life that we lead. I was scared to fully commit and give the sexual relationship that he wanted and was told that it was more like being with a robot so he would not bother at all with me and would not encourage me and said that the physical relationship was boring. The ultimate thing was that he cheated on me and had a whole different life where he had been messaging women and when I found out about it, it was blamed on me and that it was all my fault for being abused and had I been normal this would not have happened to me. Also that if I had been able to give him what he wanted he would not have gone off and found it else where. I am utterly heartbroken with what he has done to me with this and the fact that I have been blamed for his infidelity when was open and honest with him from the beginning of the relationship.

He would threaten to take his life on several occasions and say that he did not want to live anymore. This would be when I had challenged him or usually when I was out at work or with friends on family, he told me all the different ways in which he was going to do it and how he was going to kill himself. (detail removed by moderator). He then tried to kill himself several times and would ring on his way to work saying that he had thought about driving into a car or a tree or off a bridge. This would then cause concern to me and would worry that I was going to get a phonecall. Over the space of a year there had been over 100 suicide threats each one with me being to blame and a different reason as to why I had caused the depression and for him to feel this way. Councilling sessions were received for this but in the sessions, I was put as the trigger and the one to blame.

It has been hard and just do not know how to begin to deal with everything what has happened to me and how to start to feel like me again and someone who is not a failure and rubbish. I constantly feel that I am being judged and that people think that I am stupid for putting up with it I get “I do not know how you put up with it for so long, he was so controlling” to the “we said that he was no good for you”. These are comments which do not help and want to be supported through this.

I just feel so lonely, tired, exhausted and sad and feel like each day is a battle to get through. I feel that I am not understood and people feel that I am feeling sorry for myself and that I want sympathy. This is not what I want, I want people to help and listen to me and help to guide me through each step and am hoping that speaking to people who are living through it at the moment and have lived through it will be able to help me and offer words of thought, enocouragement and to help support me.

I need the strength to be able to phone one of the helplines and it has taken a huge amount of strength to write this on here and hope that people do not think that I am going on.

This is just the beginning and have put in some in this post but hope to be able to speak about other situations and any words of encouragement will help.

I know that I have managed to get out and this is the first step of realising that I can end the marriage and the abusive relationship. However, it does not stop the feeling in my stomach that I have failed, am a disappointment and that people are judging me for ending it and not staying in a unhappy situation. I feel upset and am trying to find positives but find it really hard.

Do other people feel this?

So you struggle to find what you need to do and how to carry on with your life?

Have others had friends who have been unsupportive and made you feel lonely and isolated?

I just hope that in time I will be able to be my old self and will be able to feel happy in myself again.

I am sorry for the world’s longest post, it just came out as I was typing. This is the fifth time that I started a post but have actually got to the end and going to click on the submit.

Thank You for reading this lonnnnngggggg post and hope that I have not gone on too much in what I have put.

Thank You for taking the time and for any advice you give me.

[KIP.]

Hello and welcome, everything you say is typical abuser behaviour and none of it is your fault. Can you speak to your GP and ask for councelling. Keep trying women’s aid. They should have a local service that you can visit. Try to find a supportive friend. It’s hard to understand when you haven’t been through abuse. Also, read the other posts on here. You will see that you’re not alone. Abusers are all very similar in their behaviour and tactics. You can even predict their next move X you’ve been through a terrible trauma and it will take time and professional help to get through it X

[Serenity]

Please call Women’s Aid. You will be propelled towards all kinds of support, even local, which will make all the difference to your situation.

Yes, you have experienced dreadful abuse and there is support out there to help you escape and overcome it x

[Serenity]

PS :

I wanted to also say, New Survivor, that there are many similarities between yours and my situation.

My husband was also very jealous, I realise now. He got angry if I went out and enjoyed myself: though he’d never admit being jealous, it would come out in nasty ways the days following. It was like I was not permitted to be happy.

When I met him, I’d just left university. I had every intention of following my dreams workwise but put it on hold whilst raising kids. When I began to do more training as the kids got older, he did all he could to sabotage it, as he knew how much I loved it.

He’d constantly ring me at work, asking what was for dinner that night. He obviously thought my place should be at the kitchen sink. His parents came to stay with us for months ( they are from abroad) even when my eldest was only newborn- and I was ‘instructed’ by his parents as to how I should behave as a wife. They told me I should greet him at the door every evening, etc. They bullied me dreadfully. They were also very ungrateful and rude to my family, who did all they could to welcome them.

I have a strong religious faith too, and I was very active in my local church when my kids were young, running toddler groups and suchlike. Again, he didn’t admit jealousy, it now I see the pattern, as when I was most happy and busy, he would up the abuse.

He thought my focus should be 100% on him and he punished me for not doing things perfectly, however hard I tried. I became exhausted doing everything alone- he did nothing.

I was left with a chronic illness but even that’s improving since being free of him!

It took months -even a couple of years- after he left for my body and mind to realise he wasn’t here any more. It’s not overnight recovery. My body was still programmed to being worried about him coming home at 5pm- even though we’d divorced!

I think my mind and body have now accepted he’s not part of my daily life anymore, and I can relax. I smile now when I wake up!

[new survivor]

Thank You and is good to know that I am not alone in this and that others have come through this and see the other side.

I am currently seeing a councillor I paid to go private (detail removed by moderator)months ago when was at a really low point as it is really hard to get appointments (detail removed by moderator) to see NHS councillors.

I just need to get the courage to pick up the phone. I find it so much easier to type what is in my head than speak it. I clam up inside and then do not manage to get out what I want.

I still worry constantly about what is going to happen and as am trying to sort out the house and the divorce the mind games start and when I speak to him he tries to win back control and then pulls me in again to make me feel bad for what I am doing and for trying to sort things out saying I am rushing things and want everything to be done now.

People who I thought were friends have not been. I have got one confidant but they are really busy and think that they are getting fed up of me speaking to them and struggling to get through what needs to be done. I just feel lonely and that people do not understand what is going through my head and that there are going to be good and bad days.

xx

[EeyoreNoMore]

Hi and welcome.

I think you’re doing amazing! You are free and just beginning recovery. It’s a hard time but you absolutely will get through it. For me personally, reading really helped.

Knowledge is power and will help you understand the situation – Lundy Bancroft (detail removed by moderator).

Then there’s Women’s Aid. They are fabulous, please please call them. It can be hard to get through as the lines are very busy but it’s worth the wait. You will find the validation that your friends have not been able to provide. Someone who understands how you feel and what you’ve been through.

Stay strong.

[Ayanna]

Hi New Survivor, you definitely landed in the right place here. It is not unusual to be let down by people.
I lost a lot of friends when I fled domestic abuse. But in the end, such people are not friends.
I made the decision for myself to not have anymore friends, as people generally do not understand me.
Only people who have been through abuse understand how all this feels and how difficult the daily struggle is.

I am so glad you are out!!!

Try to see the good sides of being free! Nobody tells you how to dress.
You can colour your hair green now and dress in purple with yellow stripes if you want. Just kidding.

Although you find this hard, make some phone calls. Get on the Freedom Programme, which is run by Women’s Aid.
That will make you much stronger, because you learn about abuse and meet women who have been through it. At the end you will be able to articulate yourself much better and shut people up who make mindless comments.

You will be surprised how good some helplines are.
When you feel down also ring the Samaritans.

Posting here is definitely great, because you will not be judged.

We all have been though hell and so many of us blame ourselves. This is a normal reaction after abuse.

I am frequently shocked about my own inability to pull out of abusive relationships now, years later. In the situation things are very different.

Abusers are great manipulators and they get into our brains.

Abusers choose their victims. Many of us were abused before we met them. Many of us suffered childhood abuse, which made us vulnerable for the manipulations of abusers.

Try to be kind to yourself. Do nice things as often as you can.

What happened to you is not your fault.
You trusted this man and his family and they betrayed you.
You are not at fault. You are innocent and a good person.

Do not let that be taken away from you. Your kindness, your pour soul, keep this. But protect them from the evil that is out there. You can learn how to protect yourself better.
The Freedom Programme is a good start and later on counselling and therapy, maybe coaching too.

Keep posting!

[new survivor]

Thank You for you post.

It is good to see how you can come out on the other side.

Thank You for the support and seeing everyones comments on here are helpful as is good to not be judged and everyone understands thought processes and what you are going through.

I will find the guts to speak and get on the freedom programme.

xx

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