I am new

[Notsostrong]

Hello everyone, I am new to this forum but not so new to abuse etc. This might be a long post and I apologise in advance but my family are not very supportive.

Growing up I was around abuse, Father and brother fighting, Brother fighting with kids, Watching pets been killed, Mum and dad arguing drugs, alcohol etc.

When I had my first son I swore he would never have to see anything I did, Because of my upbringing I don’t drink I refuse to I see it as something bad that causes trouble although I know for a lot it does not.

So I have been with my partner now for coming up to (removed by moderator) years The start was great I was (removed by moderator) . He, however, does smoke Cannabis and always has since a young age.

When my son was (removed by moderator) we split up not for long but because he would take trips to (removed by moderator) with his brother because his ex-lived there and obviously his brother had built up a relationship with this girls family.
Now when he was there he would ignore the phone not call text nothing. Then make excuses when he got back. Once I booked a holiday and he stated he could not come with me and our son because he could not get time off work. I got back after a week for him to then go and book a week off to go to (removed by moderator)  again.

This we worked through and went on to having 4 more kids. But things are constantly happening.

After having my first son I felt pressured into having an abortion I didn’t tell my family or anyone. That night he went out drinking and left me alone again ignoring his phone I laid there crying all night 5 am he came to bed! (Removed by moderator)  He acted like it meant nothing.

When I fell pregnant with the twins I guess that is when I started realizing how bad my decision was last time! I went to the abortion clinic but could not go through with it. I told him that I did not care what he wanted but I wanted to keep the babies. I explained he could walk away completely or just see our son on weekends. He said no it would make him a bad person but I should know it would destroy us.

Things where not to bad then and we had (removed by moderator).  Then things started getting bad. I have always suffered depression because of my childhood, Pregnant with the twins I also was diagnosed with OCD and anxiety!

This I handled myself without help for years. (removed by moderator)  years ago however he changed. He would often say I wanted them he told me to get rid if I asked him to watch them for any reason even just going to the shop he would refuse I thought he was just been lazy.

He has always been a bully in the sense he calls me and the kids names like pigs and animals if we don’t have the house tidy!

(removed by moderator)  years ago he was diagnosed with depression before this his life was him in the bed on the computer not wanting to move. Now he is working its the exact same. He gets up expecting me to have him a cuppa ready which I am fine with but then he gets home and goes straight to our room.

If I ask him to sit down stairs with us he refuses saying he can’t live in the mess yes he will lay in bed and dump plates, boxes, wrappers cups etc there while it all goes mouldy!

He won’t clean his own clothes, he doesn’t bring his plates down hardly he shouts the kids up to, I do all the house work, Get the kids up, take them to school nursery etc. He expects me to do the garden, unblock drains etc.

But if I am cleaning the kitchen and the kids do something that makes a mess or breaks things It is again my fault I should have them sat with me while I clean! On weekends he refuses to help because its his weekend off. The weekend he has his other kid I am looking after him he is constantly shouting at the kids dragging them about etc but my partner does not seem to bothered yes sometimes he has shouted at him but this kid is nearly (removed by moderator) ! and is literly screaming at my kids to get down stairs sit on the sofa etc. I try to tell him not to and he ignores me and still does it!

If he needs to be up to watch the kids for what ever reason he often lays in bed kicking his feet like a 2 year old! Making me feel bad for trying to get him up.

If hes trying to sleep even at noon if the kids run up stairs and wake him he will shout at me for not controling them and telling them off. So If I shout at them to not go upstairs he wakes up and shouts at me for shouting! It is like he expects us to sit in the living room quietly till he wakes up himself! Yet if I try to get the kids to sit for just 5 minutes while I wash my hair he sees it as wrong because you can’t expect kids to just sit there!

Some other things without going into great detail!

He puts me down infront of my family, (removed by moderator).

He has before came down and helped tidy for 15 20 minutes which normally means him telling everyone including the kids what to tidy as he walks round. My family came and he said he had to come down and do loads of cleaning when I was cleaning all day.

He has infront of his mum said look she does clean

We have a dog I took him out once and the lead his mum gave us unclicked as he was barking and pulling towards another dog across a main road. He ran out and got hit by a car nothing serious so now I like to make sure I have two leads it makes me feel safe and better walking him but to him its stupid and isn’t needed.

He is lazy, but he won’t do anything and expects me and the kids to do everything. I asked our eldest to do something simple the other day for his dad to say it isn’t his job! It is not his son’s job from his previous relationship to watch our kids while I go to the shop but he makes him so he doesn’t need to!

The other week he called our twins little ***tards! Saying if I was pregnant with them two little ***tards I would have been at the doctors every day until they gave me an abortion.

He tries controlling my own money he gets his I get mine. I remember often him complaining (removed by moderator)  Saying I am wasting money but he isn’t cause he needs that.

He complains if I don’t cook for him or if I do and it doesn’t taste nice he makes jokes about it knowing it hurts me.

(Detail removed by moderator). 

His family are just as bad though they don’t bother with the kids birthdays but his firt born yes they take him out shopping he stays at his nanas often etc but my kids basically get ignored because they didn’t want them!

So (removed by moderator)  years ago because i was struggling with my illnesses and him constantly putting me down I started gambling Yes I know it was wrong and I became addicted to the point I spent rent money etc.

Now he was ready to walk away I was deep down happy but at the same time scared. However he did not when he didn’t I did feel dissapointed, But it just made things worse. To him my addiction was nothing I explained it helped me cope with the stress, depression ocd etc. Like he claims his weed does yes it made it worse as well but at the time it helped.

So now I have been gamble free for (removed by moderator)  by myself because he won’t have the kids while I go to meetings!

He has hit the kids before when they have been extremly bad. But again I have never seen him hit his other child ever. When I state he winds my son up tickling him etc so he is laughing my son gets shouted at because he should have been quiet and not woken him up when his son was there teasing him making him laugh.

Stopping gambling opened the gates and made my mind clear to see what he is really like. Then I realised something else which is scaring me. He has never forced sex he often tries to make me feel guilty I don’t like him or find him attractive etc which is why I don’t want to sleep with him. I explain I need help during the day to be able to go to bed and even think about it and it gets ignored.

He has quite a few times pinned my hands against the wall and said I could take sex right now and there is nothing stopping me if I really want to.

This has happened around (removed by moderator)  times this year so far and seems to be more frequent recently then it was (removed by moderator)  years ago he never did it.

I am sorry it is a long post. I tried talking to one of my sisters about it but she didn’t understand.
When I explained I was going to try leave she asked why and I said hes been mentally abusing me and she didn’t really ask anything just so when are you telling him.

I want to leave I just feel stuck, A part of me is afraid if I walk away he is going to do something stupid to himself because he has tried commiting suicide in the past. But I also feel stuck I don’t know if it is because we have been together so long or not 🙁

[KIP.]

Hi there and welcome. You’ve found a great forum full of supportive women who have been through domestic abuse too. It’s a shame your sister doesn’t have the Knowlegde or experience of domestic abuse to help you get through this. It’s important to speak to someone who understands and can see clearly what you’re going through. The helpline number on here is a great place to start. Then perhaps your local women’s aid. I went there and they were wonderfully supportive, not pushy or judgemental. They just understood how very difficult it is to leave an abusive relationship. Also, the threats of suicide are very common with abusers. If you read other posts on here you will see very similar patterns of abusive behaviour. Abuser try to destroy our self esteem and self confidence, making us doubt ourselves and our ability to cope without them. They drag us down and suck the life from us like emotional vampires. They lie and twist the truth making us out to be the dysfunctional ones. It’s all very confusing especially when we are so tired trying to keep them happy to avoid another outburst. Which will happen anyway, no matter how hard we try because they always just move the goal posts!

[lover of no contact]

Hi notsostrong,

Welcome to the Forum,

Gosh you actually are really strong. All of us on here are to deal with the abusers. You really are keeping it all together. You are rearing your five children single-handedly without any partner or family support. I did the same … being an abuser my ex too, was lazy and selfish and left all the child-care, housework, diy, shopping, cleaning to me. Oh he did a token amount to keep me happy and he made out to his family and friends (and even convinced his own children as they got older) that I did nothing and he was dad of the year! Abusers are good actors.

You are also so strong to have survived a childhood you describe. You have survived abuse and presently are surviving being abused but the toll eventually caught up with me and I was a shadow of myself and I lost my self-confidence, self-esteem, and self-worth. I had no time for self-care because like you I was too busy doing all the work in the home and with the children, doing his share and mine. And then dealing like you, with his criticisms and put-downs. And then dealing with my children’s emotions as he put them down, manipulated them and undermined me to my children, so then I had to deal with my children’s disrespect to me too.

But the first step for me was realising this wasn’t normal way of relating and waking up to the reality of what was really going on. Then I had to reach out for support as you have done.

Keep reading the posts on here and you will recognise your partners patterns and behaviours are similar. knowledge is indeed Power.

[Sadie]

Notsostrong

Wow, I echo the above comment – you need a new name!

I found writing/typing about my experiences really helped to focus my mind on the entirety of what was happening. So often we are only dealing with the here and now. Just get through this tough bit…

I called the helpline and was put in touch with a local service. All were easy to talk to and so non-judgemental.

Friends that I tried to talk to were supportive to an extent but didn’t really understand so the helplines were invaluable.

[Notsostrong]

Thank you all so much every now and then I think maybe he doesn’t realise and will change but I soon get reminded that he won’t!!

I have kept my self busy and occupied so not really listened much to what he’s said but since Thursday it’s harder to!!

His son is here and broke into my private locked cupboard!! And his dad didn’t seem fussed just said he will tell him later. All weekend he’s been nasty to kids and again hours dad isn’t bothered just say upstairs ignoring us.

[Savingmyself]

Hiya
plese phone the helpline and let someone help you and your beautiful children get away from your abuser so you can have some peace
He is just a user and what he says about his own children is nasty
You don’t need a abusive man child to look after too
Love is kind and caring and supportive you deserve so much more
You are a wonderful mother please continue to hem from him
Big hugs xx

[Savingmyself]

I meant Please continue to protect the children from him . Xx

[Author]

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