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I don’t know how to start this.
i have been with my husband for over 2 decades. I was a teenager when I met him and we have been together ever since.
The last (detail removed by moderator) he has changed so much..so very very much.
I didn’t realise it but he has been emotionally abusing me for around the last (detail removed by moderator)
I was accused of:
everything i say it worthless
Gets really really angry if i withhold intimacy, seriously angry
Being Greedy ( i just wanted to pay the house bills)
Materialistic
Money grabbing
Useless
Waste of space
Pointless
Lazy
Accused of sucking **** at work (although this was apparently meant as sucking up)
Washing I do is sh*t
My dad and I are liars
I will be a sad lonely b*tch living with my dad
Everything I do is for myself and not him
I don’t care and have never done anything good for him ( I promise I have supported him all the way)if he rings me or whatsapps me at work he has told me i have to answer it no matter what because our relationship is more important than my work (i wouldn’t mind if i was a workaholic,i work normal hours, done the same job for (detail removed by moderator) too)
he has to see what I am doing on my phone, so I have to show him “just show me the phone then and it solves the problem”he wants to know why I’ve been on social media or whats app at particular times and who am i talking to so I have to show him to shut him up
he has control of the TV etc
He hadn’t been able to work initially as he was taken ill however he has improved and can work again but thinks he can just do what he likes.
Due to severe money problems from lack of work over this (detail removed by moderator) period, my father has helped us out to the tune of about (detail removed by moderator) (all bills, extra tools to help husband work, a car for him to take to work) and husband has basically completely taken the mickey.
but when I would pull him up about it he would go berserk. I have tried every way to speak to him about this insane possessiveness, I feel like I can’t breathe, He wasn’t happy about me going to a yoga class because they may be men there.
On Friday this escalated into something I never anticipated, please understand I have had all sorts of emotional heartache from him, I don’t even kill spiders in the bath but on Friday he said something incredibly derogatory and disgusting about myself and my dad (I admit i’m a daddy’s girl,my mum died when i was a kid so of course we are close!) and i slapped him round the back of the head.
Something just snapped, i have never done anything like that in my life to anyone, he has brought me to my knees over the things he has said and i just snapped. I shouldn’t even be here really,so i understand if I am removed.Consequently, he attacked me, he grabbed me by the arms and threw me against the wall, grabbed my arms again and dragged me through the house trying to get me out of the door, he grabbed me and threw me down on the sofa and then pulled me off of the sofa by my ankles and across the living room floor and then pinned me down, got my trainers and smashed them down on to my bare feet. this is just physical aspect of it. I keep getting flashbacks of it and remember things so i am sorry if this is jumbled.
I did apologise for my behavior, I had no right to do what i did but I just broke. I am covered from neck to foot in bruises.
The worse thing is, that guy is not the gut I married or who I have know for all this years. these last 2 have been unbearable. Everyone (even his mum) has told me to leave him but i thought it was because he’d been ill and he was feeling down about not working, because it was such a dramatic change. he says sly things others can’t hear, i can’t explain it.He confirmed to me last night that he would have/wanted to batter me to death.
I have managed to calm things as i need to make an escape plan because we cannot go back from this.I am sorry this is jumbled and I am sorry if I shouldn’t be here. I didn’t know I was being emotionally manipulated.
I have no friends anymore. I’m sorry. -
You are definitely in the right place and he is a very dangerous abuser. Please go to your GP and have your Injuries noted and checked out. Ring the helpline number on here or find your local women’s aid. I would also call the domestic abuse police on 101. Abuse always always gets worse. You did nothing wrong. He chose to behave this way. And he can control his temper when there are witnesses. None of this is your fault and nobody deserves to be treated this was. It’s illegal. Abuse always gets worse. Google the cycle of abuse. Please speak out. Abusers thrive on our silence. You are not to blame x
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Hi Hollycat,
Welcome to the forum.
Of course you should be here, and I am sure you will find lots of advice and support.Of course you feel terrible about slapping him, because that’s not who you are generally. You snapped, and whilst it’s not ideal, I can imagine how you did it automatically without thinking, as he was being so disgustingly horrible to you. You saw red, and you apologised.
Now turning to your partner: the problem seems to be far more entrenched and rooted in his personality. It’s a pattern of abuse: that is, the behaviour is repetitive and regular.
Your partner sounds very abusive and controlling, on every level: verbally, mentally, emotionally, financially, sexually and now physically.
Physical abuse is often the last form of abuse to appear, if the abuser has managed to be controlling in other ways before.
You say he’s been abusive for two years, but did this happen overnight? You may see a pattern of control and manipulation that was there before.
The best thing I ever did was to phone Women’s Aid, who directed me to local support. I then attended a support group. I realised that I had been the victim of his abuse from day one, but he’d cleverly masked the abuse as something else.
Like all abusers, it seems he was trying his best to trigger a reaction in you, and unfortunately it worked, but I think you need to look at this objectively. Just because you did something once that you are not proud of, that doesn’t make you an abuser. An abuser is someone who repeats a pattern of behaviour and their motives are control. Your reaction was not premeditated, and you realise it’s not who you normally are. I would say – though not ideal- it was your way of fighting back. But that’s what he wants: so he can blame you. The violence that he showed you afterwards was extreme. I would say this man is dangerous.
Please try to call the helpline. It’s often busy, but they will call you back in a day or two normally. Or you could look and eee if you have a local branch.
Please don’t doubt that you belong here. Your partner is very abusive. We are all human and have behaved in ways that aren’t ideal, but entrenched, daily abuse is something different altogether. Hugs x
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Thank you, I have honestly no idea what happened to make him hate me so much, I’ve tried so hard to get the old him back but after Friday I can see that that man has gone now. I can see it in his eyes if that makes sense at all.
He is carrying on as if its all normal but still sly digging me, He is in area where I work right now and has just hung up on me because I am a bit to busy to come out and meet him.
I have started to discreetly box and sort through my stuff, I did it under the guise of tidying up Saturday and Sunday, I am ordering some storage boxes which again i have said its for tidying up.
Its very difficult at the moment as I don’t have anywhere to go (dads house too small, which is fine) and neither does he. we have 20 yrs worth of stuff as well as pets. I am not worried for the animals they will never be hurt. He loves them more then me (and I love them more than him!) which works out fine for me as long as they are safe. no kids involved again which is great.
I can’t have children due to a condition so i have been blamed for that also but he knew that before we married.
It’s weird because for so long I didn’t believe what he was/is doing was abuse, I’m such a passive person I’ve just sat there and took it.
I feel scared of him, for the first time ever
thank you so much for your kind replies -
I read something the other day that was an analogy about controlling and reactive abuse. It was saying that if a cat is startled it will start hissing or scratch or jump away automatically. However, if it is stalking prey then it will stay still and low to the ground, quiet with its claws out. They compared the first situation to “reactive abuse” and the second to actual controlling abuse. At least that’s what I remember of it. I found it helpful. Not that I’m comparing you to a cat… but I hope that helps somehow.
He sounds really scary and controlling so I hope you manage to get a safety plan sorted with Women’s Aid. They’re really patient and understanding so if you don’t get through I recommend leaving them a voicemail to ring you back.
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Hollycat, I am so so sorry you are having to go through this. Unfortunately yes you are definitely meant to be on here. What he is doing is abuse. Physical and emotional. Definitely ring 101 and log it with them, going to the GP to check you over would also be good, that way you will be able to tell them as well. Please don’t feel you are to blame. My partner had a major major meltdown last year and went completely crazy, trashing the house, smashing things to bits, scaring the life out of me with what he would do so I saw red and snapped and hit him on the arm. For ages he used it against me, saying he would tell everyone what I had done so that made me keep quiet even longer. But speaking to the guys on here has made me see that you can only take so much before you snap. It wasn’t intended and was a one off so we are not to blame. They on the other hand do know what they are doing, the plot and scheme and use everything they can to keep us down. Please try call the helpline, they will be able to advise you. You’re doing so well making a plan to leave. Stay safe x
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Rock ‘n Roll, you’ve described it so well.
My ex tried his best to make me retaliate all the time!
My ex, before he ‘left’ ( for the upreenth time), set up a situation where he tried to get me to retaliate.
I saw through it and told him he was doing it on purpose. He looked mortified that I had seen through it x
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Serenity, glad you saw through him and his devious plans! They usually are shocked when we do something that doesn’t fit in with their ore meditated version of how things will pan out don’t they! Glad you’ve got away from him now! Its horrible how scared they can make us feel about something they’ve done! X
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Hi. This is very similar to my situation except we have a child together and i am now walking on eggshells for both myself and my son.
I can’t go out and leave them alone together so i dont. Not been out for over a decade. Will only let him have him in public places for a very short time.
He lives in my rented house but pays no rent. I’ve asked him to leave and he just laughs and says no chance! But it’s difficult for me and a child and my (detail removed by moderator)year old from a previous relationship, not to mention the pets, to just up and leave with no money.He runs me and my family down almost daily. Calls me names. Flips and smashes stuff up. So many broken item and furniture in this house!
Been together (detail removed by moderator) years and got worse since having our son, although he made me clean the mess he threw on the floor when i was (detail removed by moderator) pregnant and clapped while i did it.
Had police out when baby was (age removed by moderator) cos he had me against a wall by my throat. Had to meet with social services after this as they were worried about our son but i literally guard him with my life. So this puts me off ringing them again.
He calls our son a c*nt, little s**t, its all your fault etc.
I spend most of the evening with my son in the bedroom just to keep him out the way.
All our friends think hes wonderful. Have even said they wish they had a relationship like ours!! Thats how he works. Even his family would never believe it.
We have blazing rows at least a few times a week because of his lack of patience towards our son.
He was an awful child himself, rude, violent, too streetwise etc but expects our son to be a robot.
He just wont leave!
Im ill and tired.
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