I am scared for my boys – help gratefully received

[Horcrux]

I left him, bin liners. I am now renting . He has the house , my stuff, our possessions even though they are all jointly owned. He lives in our house. I had a bad solicitor who took my money (Detail removed by Moderator) I now have two terrified boys spending (Detail removed by Moderator) with him. The eldest is depressed tonight as he’s been emotionally and verbally abused for the past (Detail removed by Moderator) days. The youngest soils himself and bed wets after every visit. Social services have said they can’t help. The boys won’t speak to anyone as they are scared. They have to spend (Detail removed by Moderator) with him. (Detail removed by Moderator) not to drink ( alcoholic) , he slates me continuously to the boys. My eldest has asked if he can be ill so he doesn’t have to go next week but that would be me breaking the law.
My ex doesn’t buy food, so my eldest has to go shopping and look after his sibling. My eldest washes the urine soaked bedding . They both come back to me miserable and filthy. Neither is 13 , even if they were they would be too scared to speak up. It’s my word against his and so far the law has been on his side even though he admitted to abuse and alcoholism (Detail removed by Moderator).
If anyone has any ideas I would be so grateful.

[Twisted Sister]

Oh my love how awfl!

Sit on the phone to Rights of Women till you get thro.

If they don’t want to go don’t force them, then you are listening to them, and if you need to gen go int refuge. It’s disgusting that they have ignores his breaches but certainly not surprising; he could do no wrong it seemed when we wen thro the same. Write to the court no holds barred and lay it on the line that you have to protect your children and will no allow further abuse to them.

No court will expect you to allow your children to be abused and you can demand another judge and you no longer have to appear with him.

Make a safe arrangement for them in supervised and protected situation, but speak to RoW they can best advise and it can take a long time to get through but sit on the phone till you get thro and get what you need.

Warmest wishes and do keep posting to let us know how else we can help and support.

Ts

[she-ra]

Oh my lovely, big hugs to you. We leave to protect them and then things like this happen. really feel for you, I have no experience of this but couldn’t read and not post. Definitely get some legal advice, I can ask what age 13 means? Do the courts only listen to them at this age? x*x

[KIP.]

Make an official complaint about your solicitor and ask the court for another hearing stating why the first one was unfair. Get the police to do a welfare check when they are with their father if you suspect him of drinking. Keep a detailed journal of events. Go to your GP and tell them your children are being mistreated and it’s affecting their mental and physical health. Keep trying different solicitors. You can usually get the first half hour free. So try a few just to pick their brains. Do you have legal aid? It’s worth looking into. (Detail removed by Moderator)You could ask him for the overnights to be cut back and for access only during the day. If their visitations are affecting their school on the Monday make a note of that and ask for teachers help and support. Ask for another social worker. It’s their job to help. The NSPCC have a helpline they may have more avenues for you to pursue. It sounds as if he doesn’t really want them there so hopefully he will get fed up. I’ve read lots of stories on here when the father fights tooth and nail for access just to spite the mother, then becomes bored when he sees his attempts to upset her are failing so he just stops seeing the kids. Try not to let him see your distress. It will just give him fuel. Work away behind the scene gathering evidence against him x

[Twisted Sister]

If a teacher or other professional is told by a child of an abusive experience that teacher must act.

Unfortunately it seems that what a mother says has far less weight and impact even tho they know the most about how and why the child suffers. It’s often ignored and judged to be bad blood when its just the TRUTH!

Even GP backing seems to be of little value at times sadly, but get it recorded anyway, like KIP says. Maybe the GP could ask the children separately, but they certainly have to do a referral for their protection.

Warmest wishes ts

[Twisted Sister]

No court order can or should over-rule a child in fear and refusing to go.

[Shipoffools]

Hi Horcrux

I am so sorry to hear the problems u are having. I definitely wouldn’t send yr boys off to be with their dad if he isn’t looking after them properly.

Help me here pls but if u stop sending them and go against the court order contact arrangements isn’t it up to yr ex to take u bck to court? If so he might not bother? Definitely write down all dates and details as it’s easy to get muddled when yr minds all over….i feel for u, good luck

[Confused123]

hey hun

sending u massive hug, i hate how these solicitors take our money , their really is no justice in the system . I agree get some legal advice again from rights of women, they are a free legal line, it is hard to get through but they give endless advice , also log how your kids are feeling b4 and after visits, i would let your child say he is ill if that gets him out of going ,and if they refuse to go, don’t send them , my son would hide in room and refuse to come down and i refused to let him in . Log with the school too that u and partner have seperated, these are issues kids are having and if they could keep an eye on them incase are upset.build your record up for evidence, he cant do nothing if your kids refuse to go and dont get scared if he says will call police, police cant force your children to go either.Not sure of the age of your children but after 11 or 12 they cant be forced to go

[Iwon]

Hi there really feel for you. I had a rubbish solicitor too. No understanding and just took my money. Why are you and kids not living in house and hum renting. I would call rights for women and get advice on that. When money is settled it’s easier to settle.

I went thru this with my son. Not wanting to go. Crying etc. I hated it but was so brainwashed and scared of him wasting my money dragging me to court I let him dominate me and control visitation and make unreasonable demands like your ex which were more about upsetting us and asserting his control.

I decided no more a few years ago because I felt anxious and so did my son. Next time he threatened me with court I said I will await the papers. They never came.

Please keep records of everything regarding kids with him. How much visitation he has bothered with or tried to have, his unrealistic demands as this one regarding your young child. Back up all abusive messages. He never took me to court or even threatened it again. There all tactics to control.

I believed all he said and was constantly scared. Now I look back and realise how rediculous it was. Why would a selfish alcoholic gambling addict waste money to bring me to court.

That said even if he brings you to court (I did bring him to court to establish I was the resident parent) what court in England are going to take a child as at from his mother to give to a man who is a drunk, has no car it sounds like and does not have the resources to bring children up.

If he did bring you to court in a way your position is more solid to legally be recognized as resident parent. All court is about is playing the game and saying I support them seeing there father in a safe way for everyone. I didn’t bother with solicitor for that as I was so used to his tactics by then and also courts are reasonable when you can show you have been reasonable.

(Detail removed by moderator). 

I know a woman who stopped her ex seeing her child for ten years from when she split from him. He kept bringing her to court every few years and she woukd sit and be nice and say yes certainly judge and she didn’t ever follow through. He gave up in the end. There is more than one way to skin a cat.

I see now a bug part of why he got away with scaring me and forcing control with visitation was I backed down thinking it would make him amenable….. it made him worse because he enjoyed the control.

I do what suits me and child now. I ignore his demands. (Detail removed by moderator). 

I actually would like him to disappear but he won’t. In the meantime in my head I ignore him and his efforts to control. My situation only changed when I was so sick of his demands I thought do what you want I will look after my kid. Just my thoughts. God bless you x

[Anonymous]

Im (detail removed by moderator) so I guess the law is different.I asked for a contact centre for handover because my ex would be abusive towards me in front of my daughter. This was the catalyst toward light at the end of the tunnel. Eventually my daughter said to the staff there that she was refusing to go through to be collected.They were then unable to force her afterall she has rights too. (Detail removed by moderator). I kept a diary of everything that had gone before and of her refusal to go. He eventually started to cancel. I got the GP involved, a women’s aid support worker for my daughter and a psychologist to assess my child by this point she had told the therapist she had thought about harming herself. I documented her bed wetting, nightmares breathlessness due to anxiety. (Detail removed by moderator). I couldn’t believe. In all this took three years it was nerve wracking and hard but stay focussed and all of the above advice from the ladies above is amazing. I wish you luck and I just wanted to share my experience and give you some support as I know how awful this experience can be. I actually resorted to praying ! Apparently it worked. Hugs

[Horcrux]

UPDATE: Thank you for all your words of kindness. I haven’t been on here in a while. It’s been awful. I am now officially giving up the fight. The police won’t help me get my stuff from my house.
Social services have now reported the children should live with him so back in court I shall lose them. My ex has now fully divorced me , he did not do a settlement.
I am in a job and will survive. At least I am alive.
My ex has a new woman and moved her into my home by law I cannot come off the mortgage without his agreement and he was very clear if I left he would keep my kids, the house and all my things. I am going to build myself a new life now accepting the fact that women have very few rights in the British Court system. I am now single, divorced, penniless and about to be separated from my own children. I will hug them goodbye next week as they go to school and will be unlikely to see them again. He doesn’t allow them to contact me when they are with him now. The schools, the law, social services all rallied to my abuser and have helped him with his goal. My baby will cry for me every night and no one will ever know. My eldest has been twisted into a teenage perpetrator.

[lover of no contact]

Hi Horcrux,

This is really so awful. But you can’t let your youngest go to him. This is not in your youngest best interests. Even when your youngest was just staying over with him he was bed-wetting he was in so much distress. You have to fight for your youngest. You have to fight for your youngest’ life, mental health and well being. All is not lost yet. You have not yet had the court decide. Social services being duped by your ex can be shown up in court. Social services are just another one of the professionals who can be taken in (manipulated) by the abuser. Another poster on here just posted this morning about the Police being taken in by the abuser’s false portrayal of reality. The judge at the court hearing may not be taken in by the abuser/social services/your older son. This was my experience. The judge in my case was not taken in by the abuser. An eminent psychologist who did court assessments for the court (a court assessor) who my ex husband (abuser paid!!) said in the repost my abuser should get the day to day care of our children (custody). I went through hell emotionally fearing the worst after this report for the court which might as well have been my abuser who had written it. This court assessor had interviews with me, the abuser and all my children and then made his recommendations. His recommendations were all for the abuser and for him to keep the children, the house etc. I prayed like mad all the months waiting for the court case that I would have the care of my children, I went to a support group where I could vent, I found a Forum like this one ‘hidden hurt.’ After this ‘professional report for the court’ against me (my oldest child had aligned themselves with the abuser also and the youngest ones then followed suit) my barrister (who luckily could see through my abuser having working with Women’s Aid) said she held out very little hope for me but she would fight it ‘tooth and nail.’ I prayed and prayed and got support and got my fear feelings out with my supports and my supports kept me strong despite all the odds stacked against me. Also I had no family support due to being estranged from them due to abuse (and my abuser was using this against me). I had good friends luckily.

The court day came. Everyday for the previous months I had prayed ‘Holy Spirit guide, direct and enlighten me (x10 times), my barristers (x10 times), his barristers(x10 times) and the judge(x10 times)’. I had then taken the actions that I had been guided into even if it was just posting or reading the posts (can’t stress how important this is in guiding and directing and strengthening us). I kept up self-care. I dressed the part on the day, I kept my mouth shut (so hard not to react to abusers’ lies and twisting of the truth) and looked dignified. I took 3 friends with me to the court for support.

The miracle happened that day in the court and I learnt that the abuser is not as powerful as they or we think. The court assessor left the court with his tail between his legs, it became very apparent that he had aligned himself with the abuser, my abuser showed himself up (helped by my brilliant barrister putting him on the stand for 3 days so he tripped himself up big-time with his lies, his demeanor and abusiveness came through with time..his false charm didn’t work on the judge. She saw through him! And she saw me, what I truly was despite my abuser, the court assessor psychologist and my eldest child’s portrayal of me). Nothing is stronger than the truth.

If you feel you can’t get the full day to day care of your youngest, you are entitled to share the care of your youngest. Your ex could care for him for a week and then you care for him for the next week. your ex is not entitled to keeping the house, all the house contents and the day to day care of the children. Why do Social Services agree this is fair. On what basis.

Keep posting. Keep reading the posts. You will get the strength to fight for the day-to-day care of your youngest child. If worst comes to worst you can care for him on a week on, week off basis and this will be decreed by the court so your ex will have to adhere to this.

We are with you every step of the way.

[lover of no contact]

Horcrux,

“Surviving’s ” post ‘Now I know why my girl’s afraid of the dark” will help you. Its posted down a few inches from your post. It shows how Social Service’s are lacking when dealing with abusers. Some of the replies to ‘surviving’ may help you.

You will have to not just take Social Service’s opinion on what’s best for your youngest. Let them have their opinion or recommendation but you as a loving mum know what’s the best for your youngest child and that is you rearing and caring for him.

Let them voice their opinions in court but you voice yours too and voice it loudly and strongly , calmly and dignified via a good barrister who understands DA .

[Twisted Sister]

Oh my love, this is awful news!

Please appeal this, and keep lodging concerns with their teachers and GPs

Get support as soon as absolutely possible for yourself and your children.

Ring Rights of Women, get legal aid and a solicitor/barrister for court. Did you claim the domestic abuse in the divorce?

Are you in contact with WA, locally? And Family Rights Group?

Lisa: is there any chance FRG could do another q&a on here? It helps so many that have no direction for help and vital advice?

You can keep fighting this, your kids deserve their mum not an abusive controlling father.

You all need each other; we know why he needs them, to hurt you. He doesn’t care th damage that causes them.

How can they be removed from you,and given to him!

Warmest wishes

TS

[diymum@1]

i know someone who is appealing a social work decision – her family member is primary age and has been sexually abused by her mothers partner – he is physically and emotionally abusive also to both of them. she has been given an alternative social worker since and they are making progress. she has had to fight tooth and nail because i know this has taken months. in the mean time this little girl is left in this situation – i just dont understand how this can be in this day and age – its is truly disgusting. i just wanted to say and i know this is a horrific exanple it can be done much love diymum

[Apricotpoppy]

Dear Horcrux , this is terrible. I am so sorry for you and your boys. Please keep strong, please don’t give up.
Your baby needs you and your eldest is still a child, an abused child. He needs you to help undo the damage because not long ago he was a caring boy. I don’t have experience with the legal situation you are describing, but I am trying to deal with the aftermath and my children, and surely there is still hope.
There are lots of women here to guide and support you. I know you must be exhausted but there must be a way.
Someone needs to refer this abuser to Children Services or the police for neglect and emotional abuse.
Can you talk to the School safeguarding person or nurse, or can your GP help ?
Thinking of you
Apricotpoppy

[Lisa]

Hi Horcrux

Sorry to hear about your situation, it’s good to see you’ve had really supportive replies.

If you haven’t already, please call the 24hr helpline to get some advice or get in touch with your local service to make a plan of what the next step is. As already mentioned, Family Rights Group, Rights of women and Coram Children’s Legal Centre would all be helpful services to speak to.

Twisted Sister, thank you for your suggestion, we will certainly keep this in mind and consider for the future as we are always looking for ways to improve the forum.

Take care and keep posting

Lisa

[Author]

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