I am so confused

[Walking on eggshells]

I am so confused and need help in finding clarity on whether how my fiancé behaves is justified or if it is emotional abuse.
We spent Christmas with my family and we invited (detail removed by Moderator) over too was a lovely day. (detail removed by Moderator). The following day from the moment I got up until the early hours of the morning my boyfriend was ranting and raving about how he dislikes my (detail removed by Moderator) and that I am not allowed to visit on my own anymore and that he must accompany me. I ended up just nodding in agreement because he wouldn’t stop and I was exhausted by this point. The next day he carried on doing the same thing. This has carried on for (detail removed by Moderator) now. He thinks my (detail removed by Moderator) has (detail removed by Moderator) and that I should just stop speaking to him and cut him off he even went as far as saying it would be better if he died. When I try to voice how I feel and my opinion he just shuts me down and says I am weak and that if he had another girlfriend they would do what he said straight away and be grateful. He says I am delusional and then started saying I’m evil and being horrible to him and that he wishes he was with a (detail removed by Moderator) woman. He said he hated me and then even knocked down (detail removed by Moderator) that was in the room I had to calm him down because he nearly smashed (detail removed by Moderator) and curled up into a ball crying. This was very overwhelming for me and I actually got quite scared. Have I done something wrong? He said I did this to him it’s my fault and I’m ruining our relationship. I don’t think it is right for him to say I can’t visit my family when my (detail removed by Moderator) is there without him being present. I said it’s fine for you to not like my (detail removed by Moderator), and that he doesn’t have to see him if he doesn’t want to but that he shouldn’t be trying to stop me from seeing him. I don’t think this is right. I am exhausted from all of this I don’t know if this is normal. He then also apologised for saying he didn’t want to be with me but then later says things like if you can’t do this then we might as well break up and I can go sleep with lots of other women. This is very hurtful.
I have supported him always, recently he hasn’t had a job for the past (detail removed by Moderator) I have been paying the mortgage and bills also I’ve been giving him money cos he was and still is in debt. He has a good job now but only just started. He does nothing around the house to help. I do everything (change light bulbs, clean, gardening, etc) He just plays video games all day. Even when he was suppose to be finding a job he was playing video games the whole time hence why it took so long and I never nagged him because I knew he’d probably start being horrible to me. We were also hoping to have children (detail removed by Moderator) but his behaviour is very worrying. I have tried to get him counselling previously, he says ok but then never follows through. My brain is scrambled I don’t know what to do anymore.

[Strongenough]

Hi Walking on Eggshells,

All what you describe here is textbook abusive behaviours. He is trying to isolate you from your family and turn you against them, it a classis abusers tactic to separate you from any supportive relationships you have. You really don’t sound happy and your not being treated how you should be. You do not deserve any of this treatment. I would urge you to get counselling for yourself, he isn’t following through with getting help but you should. You are the important one.

[tiredofitall]

Hi, from everything you have said I think you are right to have concerns. This sounds very similar to my marriage. My ex didn’t like any of my family, was always trying to make me not want to spend time with them. Making up his own version of who they are like I didn’t know.
He also spent most of our years together in and out of work, was terrible with money. We got in debt, i worked and got us out. He complained we never had money!
He always told me I wasn’t very sexual, there was something wrong with me because I didn’t want to do things that he wanted.
He spent a long time courting me and convincing me how much he loved me and then once we were together things changed. Arguments more frequent. They went know for hours, like he didn’t want to resolve just wanted to go on until I accepted he was right. Throwing and smashing up furniture. Sometimes physically restraining me – holding me down by my arms, a couple of times hands around my throat.
He always had a reason and justified. We talked about counselling but he never went. He didn’t think there is anything wrong with him.
Your instincts are telling you this isn’t right so I’d really give yourself some space and time to think about what a future might be like with him.

[Eggshells]

Oh my lovely. Yes, this sounds like abuse and it’s serious.

You avoided discussions about him getting a job because you were scared of his reaction.

He is deliberately breaking things – this is physical violence which may well be directed at you once you are tied to him through marriage/children.

He is demeaning you.

He is trying to isolate you – starting with your (detail removed by Moderator) but other family and friends will also be criticised and distanced from you in the future.

He is saying and doing things to manipulate you. Curling up in a ball is an experiment at this stage. If it works and he gets his way, he’ll do it again. If it doesn’t work, he’ll try something else next time.

You could try a Clares Law check but if previous partners have never reported (and most dont) then it won’t show anything up.

Clares Law check or not, this sounds like a very dangerous man who will break your mind and spirit and possibly your body. Your instincts have brought you yo the WA forum and, sadly, I’d say your instinct are right.

Abuse often creeps in slowly and really escalates after you are trapped in the relationship through children, marriage, joint home ownership etc. But this is already sounding like really serious abuse. If he’s doing this before he’s got you trapped, I am really concerned about what comes next for you. If you feel able, please leave ASAP. If you are still not convinced, please read “Living with the Dominator” by Pat Craven. I think it’ll answer your questions about abuse in very certain terms.

Whatever you do, please don’t make any further commitment to this relationship until you have a better understanding of what is happening to you and what your future might hold if you stay with this man.

[Hereforhelp]

Hi, yes your partner is abusing you as outlined by other members… well done for posting on here, that’s a positive step, even though it may not feel like it. Also, in my experience, once you see the abuse (even if you are unsure) you cannot unsee it.
Keep posting ❤️

[Twisted Sister]

Heloo Walking on Eggshells

You have got some good thoughts here regarding your situation. I just wanted to add that he sounds a tad psychotic, and that adds a whole other level of risk to you.

Is this something you want to stay around? You said you have always supported him, but this is not a requirement just because you are together or in a committed relationship, it is not demand that you always support him 100%, in fact thats something that takes away your independence, you won’t always support and agree with a partner.

he wants a ‘(detail removed by Moderator) woman’, so clearly believes you to be somehow less than a woman, which its not possible to be. He sees you as evil and hates you. This very shocking for you to hear and accept, but it is important to hear him and what he’s saying, and makes your decisions about this. There are ways of dealing with a partners family where there’s conflict, and this isn’t it.

Please prioritise your needs, and support yourself, your instincts are good and they are telling you that what you are experiencing is wrong, all kinds of wrong.

So sorry you are going through this, keep talking here and to others irl who you can trust to understand and not talk with others.

warmest wishes

ts

[Walking on eggshells]

Dear all of you, thank you so much for your replies. I have been with this man for (detail removed by Moderator) years and honestly have felt alone for so long, I try to keep this all in as I have felt I must be doing something wrong for him to act like this. Reading your replies this morning is really helping me to try to see things a bit more rationally. It also made me cry as it is confirming what I think is happening to be true.

I left this morning saying I’ve gone for a walk before he got up otherwise I know he’ll be annoyed if I say I want some time to myself and I don’t want him to come with me. I just needed to have time to myself and just try to think but it’s like I still can’t think clearly. I know something is wrong but at the same time I can’t help feeling I must have done something. He’s messaged me with heart emoji’s just now and I can feel myself thinking oh ok maybe he’s calmed down maybe he will be nice today as in the past when he has had outbursts he then goes out of his way to be nice to me telling me I’m the love of his life and he only acted like that because he is stressed.

The other day he told me nobody loves me and that my family have never loved me and that he felt so bad for me because I am the perfect daughter, if I was his daughter he would of treated me like a princess and that only he truly loves me and has my best interest at heart. Hearing this is what really made me feel like something is seriously wrong as I have a great relationship with my family and I fear, like some of you have mentioned, that he is slowly trying to isolate me as he also often says we should have moved really far away from my family and away from everyone because generally everyone is s**m and selfish

[Eggshells]

OK. So he would treat you like a princess if you were his daughter but as his partner he is not treating you like a princess.

Please Google the cycle of abuse. His nice periods will suddenly make alot of sense to you.

It can be really hard to accept that you are in an abusive relationship so take it at your own pace. However, in this particular instance I would issue a caveat. If things are escalating then you may need to confront this head on.

You should have a local domestic violence charity who can risk assess you. It is definitely worth giving them a call. They can support you in many different ways but a risk assessment would be a good idea right now.

I suspect that if you go on the WA chat line, they may also be able to risk assess you if you ask them. xx

[Reallyconfused]

Hi walking on eggshells like everyone has said this is serious abuse. I too have suffered for years and years.
I was stopped from seeing my supportive family for at least (detail removed by Moderator) years and he stopped my children for longer. Yet his family came and went and abused me too.
He threatened to kill my (detail removed by Moderator) and have my (detail removed by Moderator) killed by (detail removed by Moderator). He loved the look of horror on my face.
The whole abusive relationship was normalised and every day was just about getting through the day and surviving. I couldn’t see how wrong it was. I still don’t know what it’s like to have a caring partner as all I’ve ever known is abuse.
However I now recognise the situation, I am reading the books that these lovely courageous women on this site have encouraged us to read.
So now it’s as if I’m looking into the situation, rather than feeling disempowered. When he swears and shouts I don’t get involved ( I can see that it’s just a technique to get control, he’s actually not that angry in reality ).

I saw a counsellor at work years ago and she told me to to tell him that evening that I was going to see my (detail removed by Moderator) ( I had been stopped ). She said his reaction might be interesting.
I’ve never been so scared in my life.
My heart was beating so fast and I was prepared to call the police.
Do you know what – he started to cry. I have never seen him cry. But they were not tears of sadness but tears at a loss of control as well as tears to control me.
We cannot make sense if their behaviour which is why we end up so confused.

It’s still not good at home but I understand it and know it’s not right. I am making plans , slow as they are.
The swearing, shouting and physical assaults , I’ve too had it all.
I was never (detail removed by Moderator) either, according to him, but was told incessantly how ugly I was and how other women were so interested in him.
My worry is that at the moment you are only engaged but once you are married it will only get worse as he has a greater control.
The realisation of truth and reality that yes, this is abuse , is really difficult. I couldn’t see it, was in denial , because he was hot and cold constantly. And I thought he would change and understand how I’m feeling. I even went to my doctor for antidepressants and was off sick from work (detail removed by Moderator) and he just called me weak.
These men really don’t care. They only know that they want control. We struggle to make sense of them because we don’t think like them.
Please don’t get isolated.
You are not alone and everyone on this forum understands.

[Walking on eggshells]

I don’t know what to do. I feel like my head is going to explode, I feel very anxious. (detailed removed by Moderator) he apologised for being so harsh on me and said it won’t happen again. He hates to upset me and that I can sometimes go over to see my (detailed removed by Moderator) without him but that I have to sort out the issues he’s mentioned before he leaves. He said we need to communicate better because there is a lot of misunderstanding. I said this is true about communication and that I feel he never lets me speak without cutting me off or accepting my opinion or what I say. He said he has been stressed about his new job and felt that I am not helping him to do well and that he knows that he can get really angry but that he loves me so much. He said if he could do well without my help he wouldn’t care about my (detailed removed by Moderator) but he can’t do it on his own so he needs me. (To me I don’t understand what my (detailed removed by Moderator) even has to do with our relationship). He said I’m the only person that can hurt him and sometime I hurt him a lot. He doesn’t want to break up with me. He loves me so much.
He said he sacrifices for me but I don’t. He never asks me for anything and this is one thing he’s asked(for me to not see my (detailed removed by Moderator) without him being there and that it’s not even a big deal). He said he doesn’t understand why I want to have kids but he’s willing to have them for me because he loves me so much and trusts my reasons for wanting kids. He then said the same way he is trusting me I should trust him and listen to him about my (detailed removed by Moderator). He said I need to grow up and put our relationship above everything and stop pandering to my family as they have never done anything to help us. He keeps suggesting we go over together to see my family but to be honest after all he’s said I don’t really want him to see them.

[Marmalade]

I am afraid this sounds a classic abuser tactic.
He tries to bully you with aggression to get his way. If that doesn’t work he tries the manipulative way, trying to persuade you by making you feel guilty and pretending to be reasonable and giving you hope for the future to keep you hooked. This is distorting your reality. It is designed to make you feel bad, as though he is the injured party. He is not.
This is very clear. He is making a concerted effort to isolate you from your (detailed removed by Moderator) and he has no right to do so. You have the right to see any member of your family when you wish and you have the right to choose whether you see them on your own or with your boyfriend.
This is the start of a slippery slope. An abuser frequently tries to isolate a victim from means of support. It makes it far easier for them to exert control.
Please reach out for help to a local DA charity or Womens Aid Live chat who can let you know about local support for you.
Please do not let this man distort your reality and control you.

[Iwantmeback]

This man is so dangerous!! You are not to blame for any of his behaviour, he chooses to behaviour and treat you like this.
Please make sure you have birth control, preferably something he can’t control or see like the pill/implants. A baby will not change him. He’s already asking you not to see a certain family member, probably because he knows that person sees him for who he is, could you imagine him telling you not to tend to your baby’s needs cos his are more important. I have to agree with @TwistedSister, he sounds psychopathic. Please learn as much as you can about the cycle of abuse and the techniques they use to gain power and control in the relationship. He’s using triangulation with previous girlfriends when he said they did as he said. So what he’s doing here is making you think to stop his behaviour from escalating, if you do as he says(and this will be in every part of your life) then you won’t see his bad behaviour. He’s a grown man acting like a toddler, throwing himself on the ground and crying. But it’s 100 x more frightening when an adult man acts like that. He’s threatening to leave you and see other women. My ex used this every time with me for decades, for whatever he wanted from me, in the bedroom to begin with then in every day situations. Near the end, I’d tell him to go as I no longer cared what he did. Once you no longer feel trauma bonded(like Stockholm Syndrome)to him and that will only come about when you leave him, you’ll start to see his behaviour for what it is.
Keep posting and reading others posts, you’ll start to see so many similarities in others stories and your own.
Stay safe and take care
IWMB 💞 💞

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