I am so low

[Buddy]

Hi , I am just walking around in a sog and I can’t pick myself up !
Partly because the guy I mentioned about in previous messages who I have been talking to on and off for years and he has been helping me , has gone off the radar , I write him a message yesterday saying , sorry if it’s too much and I shouldn’t ever have confided in you ( as there is an attraction there) he has just stopped contact completley .. I feel all alone now . I am not sure why he has done this .
Today my husband went food shopping and he said , I thought you were going to do it but never mind it’s me again ( it’s because I am so low I am not thinking straight atm )
He then proceeds to (detail removed by moderator) and is in a bad mood .. I have done lunch for the children .
He is then shouting at me about (detail removed by moderator) etc ..
I feel so alone without my male friend to talk to and my says , I don’t know what to say I am not there , but you need to buck yourself up !
I am talking to someone on Wednesday from WA so holding out for this

[Lostmonkey]

Maybe he felt he was not helping your situation. I would talk it through with WA and that may really help you to work out where you are and what you need to do.

[Chestnut]

Hi Buddy, try not to worry about your male friend. I know easier said than done. Sometimes people just need time to think things through their end. If you were getting close maybe he thinks he doesn’t want to complicate things for you or he just doesn’t know how to respond. I am certain male brains are wired differently in that respect as sometimes just good to acknowledge rather than go quiet. I know the feeling of someone going off radar and the panic it can bring. Give it some time and try and focus on you here. You are able to do this! If you have been friends with this guy for years and he is a true friend he will make contact. I am totally not an expert but when this happened to me I eventually text and he was very supportive and had been thinking about how I was doing..very very supportive but had gone quiet which I found out was to give me space. I was a bit miffed afterwards, very upset during but actually I think I said in a post before this really helped me, I reached out to some other friends who didn’t have the emotional complication, told myself there was no relationship potential and got the strength to leave and knew it was the right thing for me. Only you will know deep down what you want to do, but don’t panic you have totally got this! X

[Buddy]

Thank you chestnut , it is such a relief to have you fabulous ladies on here , advice is fantastic and certainly gives me a boost x

[Camel]

Hi Buddy

I’ve had a friend (genuinely just a mate) completely ghost me too and over a decade later there’s been no reply. I thought perhaps my abuser had said something that had sent him scurrying. I spent a long time blaming myself (too needy, too much drama, too selfish). I apologised and begged him to tell me what I’d done. I thought I really needed him at the time. Eventually I accepted that a genuine friend just wouldn’t behave the way he did. It’s so god d**n controlling for him to ignore every one of my texts and emails. Basically, it’s just more abuse – from someone you thought was in your corner. It’s natural to lean heavily on anyone who is sympathetic to the situation we’re in. But trust me, genuine friends will pop up where you least expect them. While those you thought you could rely on will turn out flaky. It’s nothing you’ve done. Believe me when I say people are just weird. x

[Wants To Help]

Hi Buddy,

I can maybe guess how you are feeling, could be wrong, but here goes.

When you had your male friend around he provided the comfort and niceness that your abuser can’t, and whilst your friend was on the scene providing these nice things it helped you cope with the unhappiness of your situation with your abuser. In some way, it may have helped ‘balance’ out the awful relationship at home because there was some comfort and happiness you found when speaking to someone else. Now that he has gone, all you are left with now is the awfulness of your situation all of the time with no respite from it.

Those little pieces of respite you had were very important to you. In some ways, it was one of your lifelines that you could cling on to, but that lifeline has now been snatched away and you are stuck back with your abuser again and searching for another way out. There is nothing left to ‘balance’ out the abuse now, and that is all that you are left with at the moment.

So this makes perfect sense why you are feeling so low, some of your support system has gone. Whilst support is in place, abuse is sometimes ‘bearable’. When support has gone, abuse is too much to bear and we have to face the stark reality of our situation again. We have to face the truth and reassess where we are in our life.

How is your escape plan going at the moment?

[Buddy]

Thanks ladies , my escape plan atm is non existent .. I am not feeling in a place of strength to do anything .. I am currently not working due to covid ( plan on going back in couple of weeks)
I am (detail removed by Moderator) so I am starting to look at how many hrs I need to work and looking at rented properties at present !
I am sleeping a lot and grieving over the loss of contact over my male friend .. I will get there though .
I woke this am to more abuse , I couldn’t find a (detail removed by Moderator) and he said some in drawer , I mentioned I had ordered some aswell and in return shouted at me Thank you would be nice ( I had just woken up ) then proceeded to tell me how lazy I have been during lockdown .. I stated if you were nicer to me I wouldn’t be so anxious and I would be doing more I stood up for myself stating everything I have done during lockdown .. he replied stop bringing up the past and blaming me for your issues .. I now feel even lower !
My next step is speaking to someone from WA on Wednesday .. but I am now thinking maybe he is finding me lazy and frustrating and maybe he is right 😬

[iliketea]

OMG I get that stop bringing up the past BS! “This is now, that was then”! It is exhausting. Have you had a chance to do any reading or listening to anything? Healing from Hidden Abuse is really good at explaining that tactic where they change the conversation to something else completely.
You are not lazy and frustrating, honestly I don’t even know you but I can tell you you are not! Really, if you were, why would he be there still? He’s free to go…you’re not holding him prisoner…You don’t sound lazy to me. Your job shows you are not! You wouldn’t last 10 seconds in that environment if you were either of those things. So put that way way out in the rubbish bin, set fire to that thought and let it fly away.
(detail removed by Moderator) An abusive **** – sorry, that’s a bit rude, but these men, they are getting to me today.
Keep going, you’ll get there, small steps, just concentrate on finding your feet first, wiggle your toes, and then slowly move them, just one step at a time, that’s all it takes… we’re here for you to hold you up if you take a tumble. Right, Im stopping with that analogy as it could run and run…. 😉
xx

[Buddy]

Thank you iliketea , Nice to have reassurance .. I haven’t read any books as I can’t have them sent through the post as obviously I can’t let him see what I am reading ..
I hate being in the house with him .. i can’t stand the sight of him

[Buddy]

If you tell your husband point blank that you are anxious and low and they still have a pop at you for things they think you should be doing .. am I being overly sensitive or is he lacking empathy .. or do all men lack empathy 😳

[Wants To Help]

Buddy, you are seeking some support and understanding from the man who is making you feel so low. He is never going to show you that support or empathy that you need, quite frankly, he doesn’t care about you or how you feel. You serve him no purpose when you are like this, so he just wants you to get back to a state of mind where you can serve him a purpose. It’s all about him remember, not you.

Many men have empathy, but abusers don’t. They don’t care about anyone but themselves.

[iliketea]

Could you sign up for a free trial of audible if you don’t have it? You get a free credit. The Hidden Abuse one is on there. Then you could listen without him knowing.

[Eggshells]

Hi Buddy, it could be something as simple as his phone has broken or been stolen. If he has gone off the radar, it is likely to be because he is not sure what to say, do or think or it could be controlling behaviour. What’s certain is that you can’t assume that it is about you. It is most likely about him.

I recently sent a text to some of my friends who I had confided in. I asked them how they felt about me confiding in them. One of them had said something that made me realise that I had just told them stuff without giving them the option of knowing that stuff. 3 of my closest friends came back to me saying that they felt uncomfortable with me telling them this stuff.

I spoke to my sister about it. She had been in a lecture by a psychologist who dealt purely with victims of torture. She said, Listening to the experiences of people who have been tortured is like walking through a haunted house. Are you ready to be haunted? It helped me to understand how people felt when I confided in them.

It feels disappointing and personally, I felt let down by my friends but to be honest, it sorted my friends into very clear categories and clarified what type of friendship, if any, I could continue to have with them. I know which of my friendships are conditional now and I have much less to do with those people.

If this man has let you down I am so sorry for your feeling of loss. But it’s better to know now. You need to surround yourself with strong people right now.

[Author]

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