I am sorry if I am repeating

[Imogen]

Hi all, I have been reading through various accounts and I just don’t know where to start or where I fit in. A couple of weeks ago I ended up blurting out everything that has been going on for a number of years to a colleague who immediately suggested I was in an abusive relationship. The reasoning being that a member of his family had gone through similar and in turn much worse. In all honesty I don’t know what is going on. I have read the book “why does he do that” and so much of it rang so many alarm bells and ticked to many boxes. It is all emotional bullying and guilt driven, but there is not any aggressive physical element; I’m made fun of in front of friends and family, put down, talked to like a pet, told I can’t ever leave him, made to appear anything I say is stupid or invalid and just feel so pointless and quite frankly that I don’t want to exist. Suicide is becoming a more rational thought, which both calms and scares me. I tried to go to my GP who just stated I had depression. I really want to vanish from the face of the earth and don’t really know where to start. Am I in the right place? Sorry to have gone on.

[Ayanna]

Hi, you are right here.
Emotional abuse is extremely damaging.

It is common that abused women are diagnosed with depression and get drugged up with no further questions. This is abuse in itself again.

Have you spoken to the Women’s Aid helpline?

You need to get out of this situation.
You are probably perfectly normal. All you need is to get your confidence and inner balance back.

Keep posting! x*x

[Imogen]

Hi Ayanna,

Thank you. I feel so messed up and confused and stupid. I’ve not spoken to anyone yet for fear of wasting people’s time.

In reading more, I have made peace with the realisation that I do need to get out of this situation. I’m so preoccupied with feeling bad if I do leave and how that would hurt and upset him. I can’t work out how start to think, worry or even care about myself, but that the easiest way out is not existing.

[Ayanna]

I know how hard that is. I have been there.
Severe trauma bonding, Stockholm Syndrome.
We are so worried how this will affect him.
Let him go to hell, hun!
Put your own needs first.
But be careful that he does not know you want to leave. Abuse becomes worse when the victim wants to leave.
Speak to Women’s Aid and make a plan. Speak to Rights of Women. Speak to the Women and Girl’s Network.
Hear what other women tell you.
It will make you stronger.

[Imogen]

Thank you for the advice. I honestly didn’t know what would happen on here, and I was nervous I may have sounded silly. The majority of those listed above I had no idea existed. I’ll get calling when I have a safe quiet time. I want to feel free and human again, like I did many, many years ago. Thank you so much for taking that little bit of time to point me in the right direction. This is indeed so very hard, as you have said, but already I feel a little braver to take the right steps x*x

[Serenity]

Bless you, Imogen.

I know how it is. The drip, drip effect of emotional abuse.

Keep posting: we are all here for you X

[Imogen]

I think I have been so oblivious to it all, accepting that it was normal to feel numb, voiceless, insignificant and that I’m just a body here. I spend all day with men at work and him at home, I’ve forgotten how to talk to women.

It is a phenomenal network here. I’m so happy to have been led here. Thank you x

[godschild]

Hi Imogen, welcome to the forum, do call WA they are very understanding and helpful, feeling suicidal is common for abused Women but there is hope for you. If WA are busy as they often are leave your number and you can request a suitable time for them to call you back.
There are lots of Women to talk to on her, share your experience, gain strength and validation for what you have gone though and read other ladies posts to see how common so many forms of abuse are x*x

[Imogen]

Hi Godschild,

That is something I am finding as I read, reassurance that I’m not alone but also being horrified at how commonplace it all is. It’s the first time I have actually felt heard, even on this small scale. Thank you so very much x*x

[Jennaflorrie]

That’s how I ended up staying so long with my hubby. Drip drip drip
Never a beating or dangerous assault….but the constant drip drip drip

Moaning, complaining, berating, blaming. If I did this or that then he would not be so unhappy.

I made him swear.

I made him get angry. I knew what buttons to push

Blaming.

You have to stand up for yourself and next time he berates you in front of family or friends…say “You know what you are an idiot” and walk off.

[Imogen]

Jennaflorie, that’s it. It saddens me to agree with what you are saying. I desperately want to say that, I can’t. He is so smart and clever, almost Machiavellian, I hope in the coming days/months I will start to believe in me and feel capable and strong enough to feel more like me, like who I was and be happy x*x

[KIP.]

Hi there ‘not any aggressive physical element’. That’s because he’s keeping control of the situation. The aggression comes when he thinks he’s losing control. Please don’t think your situation is less bad because this element doesn’t exist yet. My relationship began just like yours. The abuse always gets worse over time and my relationship ended with violence. I can honestly say that the emotional abuse was way way worse than the physical and years later im still dealing with the mental scars when I rarely think about the physical abuse. Try to get some space from him. Total no contact is what saved me. No mind games then x

[Imogen]

Hi KIP, Thank you for sharing this with me. It is no doubt naïve of me to think my relationship won’t go there. I have tried to start getting away from him but he manages to make me feel bad and guilty about being away and I have to report back to him all the time. On the other end of the scale, if I have an event (charity events like 10ks and half marathons) on and have to travel, there is zero support or help offered to be with me. It feels like a punishment. I am giving WA a call today based on the reassurance above that I am not losing my mind. I feel a little more present today rather than the hollow, empty and vacant sensations. Thank you x

[KIP.]

Women’s aid were fantastic at opening my eyes to the abuse. They didn’t pressure me to leave. They just educated me on the dysfunction and red flags in my relationship. I was with my abuser for decades and I had no idea he was abusive. You see it was always my fault, no matter what I did it was never right. The goal posts kept changing and I used up so much head space trying to avoid the next outburst from him that I had no head space left to think clearly. No contact is what saved me. Guilt is one very typical way they use to control us. They put all the guilt onto us so they don’t have to deal with it themselves. I was depressed for years and not one doctor mentioned domestic abuse. They just gave me drugs which made it easier for my abuser to continue his abuse. Then my ex would say, because I had a mental illness, he would take my son if I ever left. ‘Living with the Dominator’ by Pat Craven is also a great book. Keep posting and reading other posts. The funny thing is how they’re all the same. Use the same tactics. Even the same phrasing ‘fridgid’ ‘stupid’ ‘delusional’ ‘too sensitive’ ‘it was just a joke’? I too often though suicide was the easy option. That just goes to show how dangerous these men are x x stay strong and remember underneath all this there is the same strong happy confident woman you were before you met him.

[Imogen]

This feels so similar and I am scared about how trapped I am after a decade of this.

I’ve taken some MASSIVE steps today and don’t know whether to cry, scream or jump for joy! I spoke to WA, to a phenomenally wonderful lady who has pointed me in the direction of my local outreach centre and I have an appointment next week to start planning and just talk about it all. Baby steps, but it’s steps. I feel sick with nerves but remotely happy that something is happening. I am so scared but it is the support here that is helping me. It may not be the right thing at first, but I feel some sort of direction is being taken.

So much thanks for these initial steps xxxx

[KIP.]

Wow. Well done to you. All you are doing is educating yourself. There will be no pressure but Knowledge Is Power. Fear is normal, it’s because we feel guilty for keeping something from our abusers and the fear of his retribution should he find out. We are programmed and brainwashed to feel that way. That’s no way to live your life, your partner should be encouraging your growth, supporting and empowering you ❤️

[Imogen]

Thank you for this support. I am away with him and friends this weekend and already been put in my place. It’s funny that now I know I am starting to do something about it, I know this won’t last forever, maybe I can tollerate it a little longer. For a moment I felt a little stronger against the cutting remarks and belittling x*x

[Serenity]

You are so right, KIP.

My ex upped the physical element when he felt he was losing control.

[Imogen]

That is horrific. The WA lady said that there was a high chance of that even if he has never done it before. I’m scared of what is coming but I know and believe it will come to an end. I feel safer knowing the support is there, on this forum. Support I couldn’t remotely believe would ever be there before.

[Serenity]

Well done, Imogen X

[Imogen]

X*X

[Author]

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