I am staying no contact but I am starting to miss him :(

[Anabela]

It’s not that long since my no contact started and I called him my ex. And I know I made the right decision. The only right decision I could make. But Im starting to miss him. Missing the intimacy, the romance. Missing the person I thought I fell in love with. I am worried if he is okay. I am missing his voice. I wish I could call him to say I love him. But i know i cant. I made steps that cannot be undone and by contacting him I would put myself in danger. If I saw him on a street, I would probably scream out of fear. So I am not breaking my no contact. But how to stop missing him?

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi Anabela,

It’s totally normal to miss them, and often only other abuse-survivors can understand because logically it makes no sense to miss someone you are terrified of! I have regularly felt exactly the same. The feeling comes and goes.

One thing that helps is writing down all the things you liked about being in a relationship. Someone in a good youtube video said that ‘we miss ourselves in love’ ie. we miss how we were when we thought we had a happy relationship. So for example this could be wearing nice dresses, wearing nice fancy underwear, painting our nails, treating ourselves to delicious dinners and deserts, going to the cinema, lighting candles etc etc. It’s the romance of it. There is a good book called Romancing the Ordinary by Sarah Ban Breathnach you might like, all about this sort of thing.

If you can reconnect with yourself and what brings you joy you will start to feel better. But also just let yourself cry buckets if you need to and feel all those painful feelings, it is important to let them come up, feel the pain and grieve the relationship.

[Anabela]

Hi SunshineRainflower,

Thank you for your reply!!! It is such a wonderful idea!! It’s like starting to date yourself. Doing things that makes you feel like a woman. With my next pay check I will treat myself to some nice underwear even though nobody else but me will see that 🙂 even the thought of it makes me smile :)))

I find that weekends and evenings are the worst part.. As its monday i am back to my busy routine where my main need is sleep. I hope this will keep me distracted….

[KIP.]

What a great idea. I’m going to start dating myself and I’m choosing the movie I see and what presents I buy myself lol. Pamela Anderson did a great advert last year at Valentine’s Day for the range of underwear she promotes. She was on her own and romanced herself lol.
On another note, try to educate yourself on the Psycological side of things. How as human beings we crave what is our normal, even if it’s a dysfunctional violent relationship. Trauma bonding. Domestic abuse messes with our heads. Even if you feel you still love him, no amount of loving him is going to stop him hurting you badly again or worse. I promise you it gets better and better. Hang in there x

[Anabela]

Thank you for your reply, KIP. It is as always straight the point. It seems I know these things but every time I feel like this I need to be told them over and over again and that gives me comfort.❤
Im glad there are bail conditions in place. There are as much for me as it is for him. While I used to give in during such moments in a past and make a call, now I have to wait for it to pass…
And I must be treating myself on Valentines day. We never used to celebrate, so I should celebrate it when I am single 😍 👠

[KIP.]

I totally relate to the bail conditions being for me as much as him. I had to get a civil restraining order too and I’m glad I did as he was creeping closer. Trying to make me break that no contact rule which is so vital. Do what you have to do to stay no contact and not be dragged back into that dysfunctional world. The safe place is outside that relationship in the outside world. This site is great for support so when you feel weak it’s good to come here instead of breaking no contact. Because of the trauma, things do take a while to sink in but until they do, stay no contact. I used to take screen shots of responses that kept me thinking straight. I also kept a notes page on my iPad full of good advice x

[SunshineRainflower]

I’m glad it helped Anabela, it has definitely helped me to make these small changes. There is no one quick fix for dealing with what we have been through but each little step helps. I too am planning on treating myself to my best ever Valentines day! It was an idea I got from someone on another support forum. I thought ‘why don’t I really celebrate my awesomeness this year and romance myself!’ I am basically being my own wonderful partner.

Thinking back, my exes all mostly disappointed me on Valentines day anyway making me realise I am a much better partner to myself than anyone I’ve actually dated. They made some effort but it always felt a bit ‘I suppose I have to do this’ rather than them wanting to express their love and gratitude for me and our partnership, which is really what it should be about, however that looks for each couple (doesn’t have to be the traditional romance stuff for example). Last year I bought some lovely new underwear and felt excited and happy to show my ex. He mostly made some ‘joke’ about how he was just going to take it off anyway. Then a few weeks later he made some awful thinly veiled criticisms about how I looked better in clothes than naked, to try to make me feel bad about myself. I work hard to look after my body well and nobody had ever said anything bad about my body before so his comments really stuck with me and made me feel self conscious and ugly, who needs that in a partner eh.

So this year, I am also going to treat myself to some pretty underwear, just for me to feel fabulous in 🙂 And in future only someone who cares for and appreciates me is going to get to see it!!

I can also relate to how the police/legal intervention helps you stay away, I felt myself weakening and could see myself getting dragged back in by his relentless hoovering. When the police issued him with a warning he stopped and it really helped to stop ME from breaking no contact which I am so grateful for, we really are not safe if we keep in touch and/or return to these men.

[IrisAtwood]

I like the idea of romancing myself!
I am clinging to NC and desperately hoping that, as promised, my missing him will get better. I still occasionally get a stab of physical pain when triggered. This morning it was finding a towel that he always used.
Anyway, I hear you and like so many others on this forum, I understand.
We’ll get better together.

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi Iris, can you throw away the towel or give it to charity? I recently gave a favourite old jumper to charity that was very warm but had started to depress me because I used to wear it at his house a lot. It was beautiful initially, good quality but it had got tainted by him. It was such a relief to see it go and it’s nice to think it will keep someone else warm this winter, meanwhile I found another nice jumper in my wardrobe I’d forgotten about 🙂

[Sunshine]

Hi Anabea
I still get days like this non harassment order is in place for me. I find around the dreaded monthly period I miss him go quiet and struggle. Most days I still think of him and I have no idea why. It’s like sunshine rain flower has said above and kip there advice is so true. I am in the matrimonial Home and slowly I when I can afford it am changing the house even if it is replacing a lamp etc so it’s turning into my home not what was our home. Hope you feel better today x*x

[Anabela]

I was feeling kind of okay this week. And quite positive. And then got to know from a mutual friend that he tried to kill himself and now a friend cannot get in touch with him anymore…. it has shaken my peace of mind…… i hope he is okay….. i want him to take responsibilieties for his actions but also get back on his feet and have a good life…
Or maybe he is trying to make me contact him ehich i am not intending to do…..

[starryeyed]

I’m really sorry to hear that you have had news that your ex tried to kill himself and this impacting you Anabela. Maybe he is trying to make you contact him – who knows? I am finding it impossible to be able to second guess actions of my ex and can drive myself round and round in circles and feel physically sick to try and figure out why he did things or his motives behind stuff.

I think that after his suicide attempt, he will have professionals around him that will be making sure he is okay. You can’t support him with this, as difficult as that is. Does your mutual friend share much information about yours/his lives? Because that can’t be easy for you to hear and I would be worried about him knowing about you?

I wanted to respond to your post because I’ve been back and forth with no contact with my ex over the past few weeks and I have found it excruciating. I go through waves of realising what happened and how dangerous is was or could become – to deeply, deeply missing him and reminiscing about the good memories and little details. I am not used to being single and it feels even harder because I have been so depressed for so long. I don’t know myself anymore. I’m used to thinking about him in every aspect of my life – thinking about his needs first, if I should do things, what to tell him, where to be, checking my clock for the time. My friends and family who know about the situation are very frustrated, understandably, and I don’t think they fully understand how I could love someone who has treated me this way. I’ve been doing some reading and research on personality types and also stockholm syndrome and trauma bonding, and I honestly feel that I believe in the reality of this. It really scares me.

I’m not sure how to start feeling better, but I did want to say that the no contact and missing him is so so so hard and you aren’t alone in this. I’ve deleted my social media which is also a scary thing as I was so dependent on this for such a long time and it was so addictive. Reading this forum helps me. I made a list of things that make me feel good – so I can do these if I feel low/missing him .etc. – things are like so some breathing exercises, make a cup of tea, go for a walk, paint my nails…I guess anything that you find pleasure in that doesn’t feel like it is too much effort? Because at the moment I find I’m struggling with lots of things. I can’t bring myself to listen to music for example.

I’ve also just started a journal. I couldn’t write down anything I was concerned about because I was scared he would find my writing. But I thought if I could write down my thoughts and things like that then it may help process stuff a bit better? Because I keep going round and round in circles. I’m trying to write down the negative things too that he did and stuff police and professionals have said to me. I’m making lists of things I am thankful for.

Also, the underwear for yourself is the best thing ever! My ex started off caring about this but then soon became jealous about it and ignored it. So now, I can wear whatever I like whenever I like and that is a beautiful thing. You are very much worth it.

[Anabela]

Thank you for your reply Starryeyed. I am sorry to hear about your experience. Ut is such a rollecoaster of emotions. I also noticed that not everyone has the capacity to understand me and my experience and might say some comments which i personally find offensive. I do have some friends who actualky can understand or at least word their thoughts carefully.
I keep thinking to start making a journal of the bad things he did but I cant make myself yet.
Btw now i really doubt about the suicide attempt…

[starryeyed]

I also wanted to add…I don’t know if you have experienced this, but I feel really sad and jealous about my ex meeting someone new? I should feel sad for the next person really, and I know it is none of my business but I still feel so awful about it. Sometimes I even wonder if I knew him actually, which messes with my head even further. I don’t know if he was cheating on me, as he was so quick to accuse me of cheating all the time – and you know that professionals say it can be common for abusers to project. Really confusing.

[Anabela]

I dont think i care about cheating right now as while in relationship i got experience and get used to such things….it was polygamous relationship which is not in my culture. So i went through her gettibg pregnant, being upset about that, adjusting to that, falling in love with a child and now missing him. Not even talking about getting used to idea i am not the only one. Although seeing him being nasty to her opened my eyes slowly. It still hurts though never to have been the only one.
I have a feeling he cheated too.. but my main fear is that i should check from STD…..

[Anabela]

Although if I am honest with myself, I am jealous… i am i am i am. I am so used to denying to myself that i am jealous…so my first response is always that i am not.
Because I still love him……
And I also feel that i dont really know him. So many things he accused me of felt like he was talking about himself… and he accused me of cheating very often……….

[KIP.]

It’s very common for abusers to cheat. Mine cheated. When you think of all the nasty horrible hurtful behaviour including the physical stuff, it was that breach of trust that probably hurt most which once again shows the mindblowing dysfunction of abuse. That being raped, witnessing a pet killed just to wipe the smile off my face yet cheating with someone on more than one occasion I later found out was a real blow. If it helps I now look at his cheating as just another form of abuse. It wasn’t personal. He would cheat on anyone. In fact he did with his first wife. It does get much easier with time and no contact and eventually when the FOG clears you will realise you actually had a very lucky escape x I had to get an STI test because of him. When I got the result back (negative) my first thought was how wonderful he was not to give me an infection! I actually felt closer to him. It took me about half an hour to realise how twisted my thinking still was. How dare he expose me to this kind of thing. The nasty cheating dysfunctional violent lowlife. It’s like the man who pushes us off the cliff then runs down to save us. Just be careful of this kind of twisted reasoning.

[starryeyed]

The man who pushes us off the cliff then runs down to save us! This makes so much sense and a really good way of describing it. Mine accused me of cheating all the time too. I have no evidence that he actually cheated on me, and he was always with me – we spent every day together aside when we were at work…well, he would go out and do his own thing and want me to stay in the house or where he knew I was and he started trying to get me not to come out with him. I do wonder about online cheating though…he played mind games with me, that I still don’t know if I am overreacting about or are true…following and unfollowing, liking photos of girls online who were naked and stuff. Knowing how it made me feel and that I would compare myself to them if I found out. It made me feel like I had made it all up!
Anabela, it is so hard being honest to our feelings…I sometimes feel like I have absolutely no idea who I am or what I feel or want. I feel the same about him too, sometimes I feel like I never really knew him but he was or is my soulmate?
Sorry if this has just been about me, just wanting to say you aren’t alone.

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