I am struggling inside

[Gemma]

It’s been a few months now since I found the courage to leave. It’s been a roller coaster ride of ups and downs. But on the whole I have surprised myself at how well I have coped. I honestly thought I would fall apart. So dependent on him did he make me.

In the beginning it was sheer euphoria . Being x me to spend time with my children and other family members. I hadn’t seen many for years. Not to live in fear, or under constant supervision was so liberating. But living out of a suitcase moving between my adult children for months was wearing. The lack of privacy and having no home of my own I felt in limbo. Very grateful for their support, but a bit lost.

Then I got a good job and because of that could finally afford a place of my own. And it is a lovely little 2 bed flat. I am really lucky. So everything should be wonderful. And on one hand it is. But on the other I am struggling. I live on adrenaline. The job, is hard. My first in a decade because ex Would not let me work. (Detail removed by moderator). My basic skills are still pretty good, but is in a specialised field. So, so much to learn. And my memory and ability to concentrate for long periods is a real struggle to maintain. I feel inadequate, and work hard not to show it or come over too needy or stupid. And st night when I go back to my lovely little flat, which is quiet, is beginning to get to me. At first the peace and quiet was nice after the noise of a household with very young children. But now I realise being with my adult children and their little ones helped to distract me from any negative thoughts. And now it is as if I have mentally caught my breath. And the thoughts and feelings are overwhelming. I don’t regret leaving for a second. I was dying inside. But I am damaged. I have lost years of my children’s lives, I will never get back, or will they. And the guilt is terrible. And I am having to learn to function properly as me. Not just an extension of him.

I don’t have a women’s aid support worker anymore. That stopped the minute I started work. Because I work 9 to 5 mon to fri. They don’t do weekends. The counselling I waited months for, I was only able to attend half the sessions because I got a job.

I feel in trying to help myself, I have lost all the support I had. And I am afraid. Afraid I won’t cope. That my new found independence and inner strength is too fragile. Each day I force myself to get up and get on with it because I have to work to keep my flat. There is only me to take care of me. It could do easily come tumbling down.

Thank you for listening.

[Iwantmeback]

Hi Gemma, must be womens intuition, but i was only thinking of you on Saturday, wondering how you’re job was going, how you were doing. I’m sorry i didn’t try to reach out but maybe you’ve not been on for a while and wouldn’t have seen the chat anyway. I’m glad you’re reaching out again. I can totally understand the loneliness, the overthinking being on your own is probably doing to you. Could you talk to your doctor, with our without meds, only you can decide. We all need is a wee crutch to hold us up sometimes.
You were one of the first ladies i spoke with on here, I’ll never forget your long reply to me. It was so appreciated💜
I hope someone has some better advice for you, just know you’re doing so well, getting up doing the daily grind is hard, it’s 100 x worse after going through what you have. Don’t be too hard on yourself, take time to heal, to grieve, get really angry. Whatever it takes to get through this downside. This is probably your adrenaline returning to a normal state now too i think. Best wishes Gemma, you can do this, you’re going to show that rat you are stronger than him and you’re going to have a great life without him in it.

IWMB 💕💕

[needingsupport]

I can relate to everything you wrote. I have been free from my abusive ex for (detail removed by moderator) years now and I am still struggling with the aftermath. Initially getting a new job, new home, peace and solitude was wonderful. When I left him, I didn’t go to a refuge and didn’t have any help from any agency/support available. So no counselling, like you I worked and couldn’t afford it for a long time.

Having been diagnosed with depression (it catches up with you in the end) this year I was given a 10 week group therapy treatment for low self esteem and have paid for some therapy sessions with someone from a local refuge, but couldn’t afford to carry on. I am still lost.

The last two years have been so hard, the isolation, the inability to move forward with my life. Too scared to fall in love or even date for fear of making the same mistake again, having been alone for (detail removed by moderator) years now, just me and my daughter, I am existing not living. If you don’t work, there is plenty of help, if you try and stand on your own two feet, there isn’t anything. Which is why I have joined this forum, I literally have no idea how to get help.

Any suggestions would be welcome!

[Gemma]

Needing support, I hear you. It’s not suprising that it takes so long for the affects of being in abusive relationship to lessen to the point where you can put it behind you.

My (detail removed by moderator) son was just short of his (detail removed by moderator) birthday when I started seeing my ex. He ended up living with his Dad. Only seeing me for the I occasional weekend and a few days in the holidays. I virtually abandoned him at a very vulnerable age. The guilt is terrible. But do you know what he said to me. Yeah mum it was hard, and I missed you. But if you let the guilt eat away at you, it will ruin what we have now, and we can’t move forward. How did he get so wise, bless him. I am very lucky. And I am trying to take my son’s advice.

When I find myself looking back, I force myself to look forward. Not just for my sake, but for my kids sake. My ex didn’t just taint my life, it’s the ripple affect on others. And I don’t want that for them anymore. So I rarely mention him now. But I still need some outlet. So will try writing it down. I have found keeping a journal/diary to be cathartic in the past.

[Iwantmeback]

Hi needingsupport, could you ask your gp to refer you for counselling, you dont have to pay for it, there is a waiting list but it could be a lifeline for you🤗
This forum is a godsend isn’t it. Crazy that total strangers give so much to others.💛💛
How have you been doing, I hope you’ve gotten some peace in your life.

IWMB 💕💕

[Twisted Sister]

Dear Gemma

I can’t believe how much you have achieved, and in such a short time!

I think you well deserve some time to catch up with yourself, and, yes though, its now you have the space that everything can hit you.

Are you able to reinstate your WA contact at a lunch time? Or go into work earlier one day a week and finish earlier to meet her at the end of the day?

You’re new at this, but you will get there. I think you are simply amazing for everything you have undertaken.

A new job, on its own, its always a bit of a confidence knock, and a struggle to get yourself into, feeling like you dont know everything, and you can’t! All you need is to show willing to learn and take it day by day. Get these first few months under your belt and you’ll be flying, wondering what you were worrying about.

All the best in your new job, and happiness in your new home! 💐🏡

[itwillbeokay]

Hello

We’ve never “met” before, I read on here every day since leaving with my two young children (detail removed by moderator) but I don’t write so much now as, like you, I have a new job too so life is busy.

But I just wanted to say I honestly could have written your post literally word for word sentence by sentence and I wanted you to know you’re not alone. Even the title.

I too lived temporarily somewhere but quickly got a lovely little two bed flat that I adore. I’m very proud of it, it’s peaceful cosy and all mine although I live here with my children too so slightly different on that front. However the feelings you speak of are identical. I love my new job but I feel like a different person on the inside (fragile broken overwhelmed) to the me on the outside (strong brave capable). I appear completely happy and joyful to the outside world and actually I am but there’s always this other part inside threatening to tear me down and simply flatten me and I feel constant anxiety and fear over it. And the guilt. The constant draining insidious gut wrenching guilt that isn’t even mine to feel and yet I do. My husband is currently not in touch with our children as I had to say he needed to organise safe contact due to behaviour over the months since I left and he’s gone no contact for now but I’m on edge constantly. He knows where we live and parcels and postcards arrive from my in laws which trigger me and my guilt.

I am obsessed with my appearance and looking perfect too which is draining and another chore but I think is a by product of the trauma and PTSD symptoms I am left with. People don’t understand, they try to but unless you’ve lived it you don’t really. I do, however, still see a counsellor weekly who is specifically trained in (removed by moderator) abuse and I find going to her invaluable. I will have seen her weekly for a year in the end. I hope you can make time for something like that. I also listen to life coaching on YouTube on the same subject as that is specific to me but there are lots out there on abuse of all kinds. I find that so so helpful too, I listen on my way to and from work to get me through the day.

I don’t really have the answers but I am still recovering daily and it’s tough. You’re not alone. Private message me if you ever want to xx

[Gemma]

Thank you to all of you for your replies. It truly does help. You make me feel less alone. Because even though I have adult children who have been very supportive, I do feel alone.

I am physically and mentally exhausted. As I mentioned before, my new job is extremely mentally demanding. I give it 110 percent, but still make mistakes. I may do 50 things right, but as I am still on probation, it’s as if only what I do wrong is highlighted, not what I do right. Sound familiar!!

I don’t even enjoy it, but I need this job, so I can keep my flat. I am feeling low tonight. I remind myself that even though things are hard, it’s me making my own choices. I am free. But mentally I am struggling every day to stay strong. My kids are happy I am working, have my own place. Success. And it is. But it’s only been (detail removed by moderator) months out of over a decade of living a unnatural life. I have living on adrenaline for months and I am exhausted. Sometimes I just want to go to sleep and not wake up. And theta selfish and cruel. And I won’t abandon them again. It’s just so hard. I am so tired.

Thank you for listening.
Xxxx

[Iwantmeback]

Hi Gemma, it’s so good to hear from you.🤗

(detail removed by moderator) mths already, where does the time go? I think a wee while on here even if it’s only over the Christmas period is what is in order. Only those of us who have gone on this road with you can really know how you feel. Even the most well intentioned of family drift away to their own lives. I thought I was doing better mentally, until the past few days. I’ve been forgetting things and just not on my game so to speak. You’re doing an intensive job now, don’t be so hard on yourself, though i know that you’ll be wanting to prove to yourself as well as your work colleague that you are more than capable at doing your job. 💜
You’re allowed to feel low, those in ordinary relationships get low too, go with it. Do you remember how you were after having your babies? the euphoria you felt at giving birth, then the incredible low days later. Try and imagine leaving him as giving birth to your new life, you’ve been on a high fir a while, this is just your adrenaline levels going back to normal. If it persists I’d go and see my doctor, it will put your mind at rest. 💛 you won’t be abandoning your children, but you’ll suffer burn out if you dont take time to listen to your body. Sorry for sounding clinical. I’m so so chuffed for you,I really am, you can do this @Gemma

IWMB 💕💕

[Apricotpoppy]

Hi Gemma, you are doing great.
I totally understand it is really hard to work and keep it together when you’re memory and concentration is shot. Somedays I have to go hour by hour. Luckily I can get evening counselling, would that be an option for you ? Xx

[Tiffany]

I’m not sure if this will help, but I thought it worth telling you that I spent around my first year in work after leaving my abuser terrifying, and I lived in perpetual fear of doing something wrong. It wasn’t helped by many changes in jobs (I had to leave my job of the time I left due to a lack of support), then had various temp jobs before finding the role I am currently in. My boss is a highly emotional person and was under a huge amount of strain when I started work, so I got a lot of criticism, and following the abuse it did make me feel truly worthless. I was terrified that I was going to lose this job too. It was only when I was handed increasing responsibility b- which took pressure off my boss thus reducing stress levels that I discovered that I was actually a hugely appreciated team member and that I was doing a great job.

I wonder is it possible that your anxiety about your performance at work is partially driven by the battering taken by your self esteem during the abusive relationship. You may be performing better than you think. And expectations may well not be as high as you think they are. Everyone messes up sometimes in a new job. If you ask questions when you are unsure and take on board the guidance you get when things aren’t right then you should get on ok! You can do this!

[Gemma]

I went to the doctors this morning. My repeat prescription was due. And as I am newly registered they wanted me to see a doctor before issuing it.

The lady doctor was concerned my heart rate is too fast, in spite of taking a beta blocker. I have to have an echo. I did tell her a bit about my background. Said in spite of that it’s concerning. I think it’s just everything being a challenge and I am constantly anxious. She never suggested any counselling, just congratulated me on getting on with my life.

And I am sat there thinking, well I am trying but my body and mind are struggling. I know it’s all still new, and yes I agree that my self esteem is low and confidence fragile. It’s so hard to keep things in proportion. My ex was very critical and I still self criticise a lot. Maybe I am doing better than I think, but it’s hard not to think differently. And the memory thing is a worry. I am constantly making notes, then told that I need to keep it brief.

(Detail removed by moderator). I just feel like a square peg trying to fit into a round hole. Still trying to please everyone but myself.

Thank you for listening xx

[Iwantmeback]

Hi Gemma, you’ve came so far, time to be kinder to yourself💛well done going to see the doctor in a roundabout way. I asked my doctor to put me forward for counselling, I think they wait till we ask rather than suggesting it something we could do with.
If it was me I’d find writing down how far I’ve come helpful, from getting out and leaving him to getting my flat, to getting a job. It could be the boost to your self esteem you’re needing. You’re putting one foot in front of the other and it’s early days yet. While you’re in your job, start looking at a job you’d prefer to do that’s more you. I’m a people person too, the job you’re in must be soul destroying, but it’s a means to an end that’s all. It’s giving you your independence again. You’re not stuck in the house, you are free my love.🤗🤗
I make notes all the time, texts become a book,I can’t help myself. I love writing, maybe I’ll write a book someday, I’ve always wanted to, so who knows. Plenty of life experience now😃😃 ive become so used to writing down things in case I forget them in order to prevent him shouting at me or getting angry and things escalating.
I hope I’ve helped a wee bit. Love to you sweetheart🤗

IWMB 💕💕

[Gemma]

Iwantmeback, you are very kind. I definitely think you should write your book 😊 I think ‘youhaveyouback’ 😊

the sad thing for all of us, is that we all found ourselves in this position through looking for love, only we didn’t find it, only a warped version of it. Now as in the words of Elizabeth Gilbert, I am looking forward to falling in love with myself 😊

[Gemma]

Thank you also Tiffany, Apricotpuppy, itwillbeok and twisted sister. You are all so lovely and kind. In spite of having to deal with your own struggles and challenges. Thank you all so much. Your words of encouragement and support help me get through when it’s been a really hard day.

[Iwantmeback]

Hi Gemma, thank you, yes I’m starting to see more and more of me again, and it’s thanks to every one on here who’s taken the time to reply and given me strength and the confidence and the information to do things. Yes, it’s still baby steps but I’m getting there. I see me getting out in the future now, once I know how I’ll manage financially, the world will be mine again. 🤗🤗 take care mo charaid (my friend)
Best wishes
IWMB 💕💕

[Tiffany]

I second the advice to ask for counselling. Unfortunately it is something which is chronically underfunded in the NHS and tends to have long waiting lists, so doctors tend not to put people on the waiting list unless they ask specifically.

Something I also found helpful in my early self critical days was to ask myself whose voice was criticising me. Basically, “is this something I truly believe, or is this something that my abuser told me?” A lot of the time it was just old echoes in my head. Once I realised that it made it easier to dismiss a lot of my concerns. I would argue with the ghost of my abuser, but because I had left I could actually win. It took practice – each time the thoughts arose like “no one likes me” I would tell myself ” that’s your abuser speaking, I have made new friends already and all our mutual friends have ditched the abuser, because it turns out I was the one they liked, not you.” It took practice, but I can honestly say that pretty much none of his criticisms arise in my mind anymore.

[Author]

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