I am struggling with Guilr

[Gemma]

I left my children behind to go and live with a man that was abusive and controlling. One of my sons was (detail removed by Moderator), the other (detail removed by Moderator). I didn’t see my eldest son for nearly (detail removed by Moderator) years, because he would not come and see me while I was with this man. And the man would not let me go to my son and see him. His paranoia about me bumping into the father of my children and his fear that if we visited where I was from, I would not return with him was too strong.

The guilt I feel for leaving it so long before escaping from this relationship is tearing me apart. No amount of excuses I give myself.. I.e the fear of what he would do to me if he even suspected I wanted to leave can justify what I did. I was completely infatuated in the beginning. I thought he was the love of my life. Even when he started to hurt me, I made excuses to myself. It was my fault. I make him jealous and suspicious by running away from him. And then believed his promises to change and I would return. I left and returned (detail removed by Moderator) times, turning by boys world upside down again and again. Then the final time I retains it was as if a prison door slammed shut.

He took away my phone. I was not allowed any contact without supervision. Phone calls only made using his phone and in his presence. I could not work. I was allowed to carry or have any money. He would terrorise me in the night with his ranting and raging. He would hurt me. I had no friends. Only him. We were together 24/7. He never left me alone. I couldn’t sleep or go to bed unless he said so. If I did what he wanted, life was calm. If I rebelled or tried to stand up for myself life was hell. And yet when my adult daughter and my youngest son visited, I would smile and pretend everything was ok.

This went on for nearly (detail removed by Moderator). I finally left (detail removed by Moderator). And though my sons have been there, they are not there, if that makes sense. They are happy to have me back in there lives, but there is a wall I can’t get through. I have tried to explain what it was like. Why I was so afraid to leave and how hard it was to reach out for help. But they don’t really understand. How could they! How can anyone, who has not experienced it.

I feel I have lost them. I lost them the minute I left them. And I am now beginning to see it. I grieve for my children who are now men. I feel the pain of a thousand knives in my heart for what I put them through. I am a selfish cruel woman who abandoned her own children for a man. What kind of a despicable creature am I. They and the hope one day we would be reunited was often the only thing that stopped me from ending my life while I was away from rhem.

When I came back, getting a place of my own, holding down a job after not working for do long, the desire to prove to them I was home for good was what kept me going, because god it’s been so hard. But I don’t think it’s made any difference. I know I need to do this for me. But I don’t know if I keep going. I am do, so tired. I keep having flash backs if the times I left them . The guilt and pain is terrible. I am not sleeping. I don’t feel safe at night in my flat. Even though it’s securely locked. Sometimes I will see a man in the distance and I think my ex has found me and I panic. I still live in fear, and at times I still feel I am in prison. Will it ever get better.

[diymum@1]

for an outsider they would say ‘but you had the choice to leave,so why didnt you’ for me who has been through the same i can see why – its simple – you did not have that choice. when your controlled by a partner you act through fear and all sorts of horrible turmoil and emotions. the problem we face is people ‘outsiders’ dont understand the dynamics of this – we are often made to feel guilty time and time again, but its not our fault. circumstances and impossible obstacles have led us into these situations with our kids. i dont have the answers and i am very much in the same boat with my eldest child. it eats me up every day and i think of her often wishing everything could be different. i dont have the answers but i know we shouldnt be the ones carrying this guilt – abusive men undermine mother/children relationships and society just doesnt get that xx heart felt hugs love diymum xx with you in this one x

[Iwantmeback]

I too struggle with guilt at times, I’m learning slowly that I couldn’t control what was going on, I thought at the time I was doing the right thing, my children both eventually went to live with their dad. All it did was isolate me more, gave him more time to whisper poison into my ears. I used to think he wouldn’t be happy until he had me all to himself and all my baggage was gone(children, family)but they can never be gone. I’ve lost so much time, missed out on important times in their lives, why because I was afraid to have a relationship with them, by keeping them apart I thought there would be some sort of relationship but there wasn’t, only when it suited him. I’ve forgotten how to be their mum all I can do is be my adult children’s mum in time. They have their walls up have train wrecks of lives, all because my oh chose to abuse us and I did what I did to survive. Pretended it didn’t hurt when it tore my heart every day. My daughter sees things in black and white, she’s in denial that her last relationship was abusive, she doesn’t get why I don’t just leave even after all he’s done, but she’s tougher than I am and she’s grateful for that, because she wouldn’t be so tough if it hadn’t been for him coming into our lives. Her words.
Once we learn to be at peace with what happened, I believe we will have a relationship with them, what I won’t allow is for them to abuse me because of the hurt and anger they carry. I’ve had enough of that directed at me to last a lifetime. I won’t take any more of it.
Best wishes IWMB 💕💕

[freedomtochoose]

Hello there,

I am so grateful for this thread today.

I have only recently understood – that some of the ‘symptoms’ I am experiencing are linked to what I believe is called ‘toxic shame and guilt’. I am really shocked by this, as I kind of believed I had got to the point where I was more self-aware than that, and right now, I am realising, slowly that actually I have
much more work to do (on myself) – or indeed ‘play’…

It all sounds so basic. I feel like I should know better, knowing especially all that I know about psychology and therapy etc, but there you go, guess the learning journey never ends.

So, I too would say, I struggle with guilt.

Maybe on this thread it might help to try to say what I feel ‘guilty’ about…

‘yes, not leaving before…I did’

‘yes, getting into that situation in the first place…’….(?)

‘yes, ‘losing’ my birth family so apparently careflessly and becoming estranged from them…’

the list goes on, and it is/has caused me much stress and difficulties and basically has led me into behaviours that have little to do with self-care, self-compassion and self-nurturing…

And I really need self-care and the other things…

It sounds so simple, doesn’t it. But I believe it is far from that for the likes of us survivors and I feel it is something I need to return to and practice…

Have picked up some things to read:

“…if you are susceptible to shame and toxic guilt you need to learn to be more nurturing towards yourself and more realistic about whawt you can and can’t control, and what is and isn’t your responsibility…in order to heal your childhood (and other things) and become whole…’

This sounds such an easy thing and even trite or a platitude, but I don’t belive it is easy, right now for me it feels like hard work, but I liked also

‘keep paying attention to your life..’

Sometimes I don’t even know where the toxic guilt comes from..and whawt it iis I feel guilty about, it comes and goes and sometimes in waves….

I am glad to read this, maybe we can help each other on this journey…

all best
ftc
x

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