I am suffocating..Was it real for him or it was real only for me?

[Windy]

We started (detail removed by moderator) before the pandemic. At first I was not interested but he was so “addicted” to me. After (detail removed by moderator) he wanted to come to my country but he could not because of covid. During quarantine we became closer. Texting, calling every day for hours, gift exchange (detail removed by moderator), cooking, watching movies, eating, laughing together. We continued with all that for days, months, more than (detail removed by moderator)…
When we had argue for the first time he said that he usually blocks the person because he is sure that the same fight will happen again. Every time we argue he will just stop talking with me for (detail removed by moderator) and after that everything will be amazing like at the beggining.. Thats how i found out that he uses pushh and pull tactics. Recently he was more distant, he had some problems at work and not enough time for us like before… The last time we argued out of nowhere I refused to fight. Anyway he said “I don’t want to talk anymore” and he stopped.
3 days later he texted me that I need to go to a (detail removed by moderator) to take a gift from (detail removed by moderator) for me.
He was that gift and I was stressed (because he made me cry for 2 days) but the most happy person in the world…
He asked me if I can travel with him and be together (we already planned our (detail removed by moderator) trip for the day we can meet). I needed 2, 3 days to organize everything.
Then suddenly he said he wants to travel with me for (detail removed by moderator) and after that to be alone for week and then again together (detail removed by moderator). He said that this is HIS plan from the beginning. Its always “I” for him and “we” for me.. I was super confused and he tried to comfort me that he traveled (detail removed by moderator) because of me, I am everything for him and etc.
During our trip everything was amazing, happy moments, holding hands and at the same time confusing again..
He will call me “(detail removed by moderator)” but will comment how sexy other girls are.
He is here because of me but he should plan his one week without me. I asked him to travel more with me (our plan actually) he rejected me and said that I don’ t understand him and he was mad and annoyed. When I cried, he comforted me how everything will be good when he returns to me and we can be happy and he needs only his time alone.
I could not understand why if you traveled (detail removed by moderator) to see the person you love you will want to travel alone?
My inner talk was all about how I am not enough for him, how he is disapointed, how he will meet other girls in other cities and everything is just one big illusion. ((detail removed by moderator) ago he met other girl/s in other country but past is in the past right?)
I returned to my hometown and he continued with his travel asking why I was so cold when we said goodbye. I wanted to stay with him but he rejected me.. I waited to meet this guy for (detail removed by moderator) and we talked almost every day how much we want that and then when it was real he runs away?
He called me every day and he looked happy. So I calmed down and decided to accept his decision and that maybe he needs time.
The (detail removed by moderator) he didn’t answered my texts, my calls all night… and I went crazier than ever. Because he uses his phone for navigation, I knew he is ignoring my calls. So I doubted him and asked if he is with someone. Because if you can see my call you can answer it for one minute and then do whatever you want… He got mad and said that I am not respecting him and his time alone and he is not sure if we will talk again.
The next day he logged in the app we used to chat searching for girls and adding them in Instagram.
Even tho I apologized a few times and begged him to meet again so we could have good memories- one week later he returned back home without any word… I blame myself even now for everything..
Because I never received any text from him I made a fake profile pretending that I am another girl. Lets say – Summer.
He talked with Summer for (detail removed by moderator) like I never existed in his life. He said to Summer that he traveled in my country and met a girl who was (detail removed by moderator).. Summer asked him if she was his girlfriend and he said that (detail removed by moderator). He told Summer that this girl (me) was just a friend, but she had feelings for him. He told Summer that he (detail removed by moderator). And he started calling her everything he called me, he wanted to send her giftbox like he send to me. The most strange thing was that he asked Summer (detail removed by moderator).
He said he loves ME and he came in my country for me, because of me, that he have only me… (detail removed by moderator) earlier.
I told him who I am in real and he said that HIS plan was to (detail removed by moderator). He accused me that I destroyed our happy memories and made him stressed! Everytime was my fault for everything. My opinion was never important.
I know that it’s wrong to pretend to be someone else.. like I did, but I think I met another person… I don’t know who was that man??
I still love someone that maybe never existed? What is all that.. I don’t know what was real and what was not anymore… Almost (detail removed by moderator) .. hours of talking and good emotions
Also I haven’t been in love for 10 years maybe.. i was more fearfull avoidant all my life… and that hit me hard. Any suggestions how to shutdownt this love button :))))

[Lisa]

Hi Windy

Welcome to the forum!

Well done for opening up and reaching out for some support. It is clear that he takes no responsibility for his own actions and blames you which is not fair. He doesn’t listen to how you feel or hear your opinions so he is not a supportive partner. He is also manipulative and emotionally abusive to you, you don’t deserve to be treated like this.

It may help to get some more support in place, there are local domestic abuse services who sometimes offer some counselling, you can find your local service here;https://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/

Take care and please keep posting.

Lisa

[Camel]

Hi Windy

I think you were very clever to pretend to be someone else. When you were ‘Summer’ you found out exactly who he was – a nasty liar and manipulator. He didn’t like being found out which is why he lashed out and blamed you for destroying everything.

You wouldn’t have thought about ‘catching him out’ if it was a healthy relationship. In time you’ll hopefully realise you had a very lucky escape. In the meantime don’t punish yourself for falling for his charms. He made you fall in love with him. Even though you probably felt more miserable than you had for years. Even though he made you cry.

[Windy]

Thank you for your support! I really needed a reality check, because so many days i was torturing myself that i was the bad one, I did the mistake.. that I made him run away…
I still think sometimes that maybe he was not a lier and i was overreacting. I still don’t know. And sadly I will never know the truth.

[Anonymous]

Windy he does sound like he’s got addictive tendencies and the love bombing and ghosting are tactics to get you hooked on him and make you insecure, these kinds of people are emotionally and sexually dangerous, they are risk takers, please don’t let his behaviour reflect on you as these are his temperaments and issues, these kinds of people are sometimes addicted to sex/drugs and mind game all the time and like to try to make you feel like they are a prize you could win if you try hard enough, his all around behaviour is unhealthy and extremely immature , block him have no contact, get your happy back before it turns into serious self esteem issues and depression for yourself, as you said your a happy naturally and since knowing this guy he’s twisted you all kinds of ways make it stop now before serious psychological trauma starts, 🧡💜💛

[Author]

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