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My life was actually easier where I was.
No one listens or appreciates me where I am now. The house is worse than where I was. My ex helped with things and as much as he was abusive, he wanted things to be nice. No one here does.
I like to eat well. Everyone here eats c**p all the time.
My pets are stressed. They weren’t before.
My travel to work was shorter.
I didn’t have to listen to the inssesant moaning. My ex was negative but everyone here is just plain miserable.
I could list more reasons but I’d be here all day.
Today I feel like maybe the abuse is the one negative in a mass of positives. The more days go by the closer I am to going back.
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It is always extremely hard when we first leave, that is why it takes women an average of 7 times to leave for good and due to this two women a week are killed by their partner or former partner.
When we first leave we have to deal with the loneliness, the isolation, trying to process the trauma, housing and all the other problems we usually have in life. It is really, really tough. However, it gets better, it really does. If you can keep going through this rubbish patch and out the other side you will be so, so, SO glad you did.
Did you write down a list of all of the abuse? If not, do that today and read it back. I ended up writing 12 pages! It really helped every time I felt sad and missed him and reminded me of the reality. I think you are looking back now with rose tinted glasses which is to be expected, we all do that. But it doesn’t mean it was the reality.
I would also put a plan together of how to move out from your friends as it sounds like it’s not a good option. If you had your own place for you and your pets would you realy want to go back to him? Read back your old posts of when you were with him and what he did. I know it is lovely to have someone listen about our day, but not for the price of being abused.
Remember how you were on the edge of the forest coming out of the fog. Right now the fog seems safe and familiar again and the outside of the forest looks cold and harsh and scary. But in time you will find your feet and make a life of your own. You’re going in the wrong direction if you return to the fog, even though right now it feels like the best option. Temporarily he would probably be all nice (look up the Cycle of Abuse and the honeymoon period) but then the abuse would start up again, it always does. And then you’re back in the fog, trapped again and wondering what happened.
Give the helpline a call, and your local DV service. Do you have an outreach worker? Ask for one if not, mine was excellent and helped me clear the fog. Keep going and don’t give up.
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I think I miss the nice side of my ex. The non moody, helpful, funny person.
I KNOW deep down I do not miss his anger. I realise daily how controlled I was but to the outside world I had “made it” and now I am back to square one.
Plus he has only contacted me twice, via email, as I requested. And only about practical things. Things to do with us seperating. So he’s accepted my wishes and left me alone. Only one hoovering email, then nothing. So a tiny tiny bit of me thinks…”maybe he could change”. Then I think a leopard never changes its spots!!
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Hi Janedoeissad
Where I live now I am lonely sometimes, especially at night. Leaving my abuser meant leaving the family I tried to make in this city. But now I am physically safe. I dont have to worry about him calling me bad names or hurting me in anyway. I don’t have to live in fear and illusions. Are you safe where you are now? It doesnt sound comfortable but are you at least safe? Can you protect yourself better there than you could living with your abuser? I agree with Sunshinerainflower- her advice may help bring some clarity to your situation.
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