I am triggered

[Shocknawe]

I thought I was doing ok and better – moving forward and less anxious. However a stressful situation happened at work and a colleague sent me an email in what I perceived a demeaning tone. I went to my boss and while she agreed with me that the email was rude she said that this man had treated others like that before and that it was “his personality”. Well – I’m sick of these “personalities” which go around demeaning, patronising and abusing women and no one does anything because they are men with power. I got very worked up and I’m again feeling very anxious. I told my boss that I’ll not work with him anymore. Am I exaggerating? I really feel I do not have the bandwidth or mental strength to deal with these type of people anymore.

[Livinginhope]

I completely get where you are coming from and I’m finding myself triggered by these personalities, most recently through work. I wish I could avoid these people but if you have the option to put distance between you and them then that’s the best thing and if not then go as grey rock as possible. Some people really don’t seem to be unsettled by these types though… I’m not sure why not. You’re not exaggerating and you are taking steps to protect yourself from for taking a someone who you have identified has a pattern of behaviour that has a negative impact on colleagues well-being.

[Shocknawe]

Thank you Livinginhope. I’m just upset to be back to that feeling of anxiety, vulnerability and fright. It’s like taking several steps back and has reminded me that this will be a long journey to healing.

[cakepops]

I was really triggered by a manager quite a while after leaving my abusive relationship. She had similar personality traits – really nice sometimes and horrible other times with no way of knowing what sort of mood she would be in at any moment. She was horrible to me in a review meeting and I ended up in tears and leaving the room. I’ve never cried at work before, and it was a total shock. It was all made worse by her telling HR she had no idea why I was upset, lying about what had been said at the meeting, and implying I just don’t know how to take constructive criticism because I’m inexperienced (which is ridiculous as I have more experience and qualifications in the area than she does). Also she was quite new as a manager at the company and told me in all her years at other organisations she had never dealt with someone as unprofessional me, which was mortifying in front of HR.

For me the trigger was the sense of unfairness, of gaslighting and someone trying to have control over me. Then suddenly it was like nothing had happened and she was trying to chat to me about holidays. So much like my ex with her ability to turn on and off the anger at will.

What I found was that people like these thrive on creating drama as a way of detracting from their own issues – can be men or women. In her case she was truly a terrible and rather useless manager, and her whole team hated her. Similar to you a couple of us spoke up but were ignored, then one person quit as they couldn’t cope with her but the manager told everyone that they had mental health issues which is why they quit. I am thankfully in a new job now, but I gather she is still the same.

So no advice sorry, just bucketloads of sympathy.

[Shocknawe]

I take buckets of sympathy – thanks! I am introspectively curious as I don’t know if it had affected me so much had I not come out of an abusive relationship. Again, it is the question: is it me? but I know the answer is: no, it is not me as he has done it to others. Have I become too sensitive? I am now worried that I’ll be hurting for a long time.

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