I am used to it (detail removed by moderator) yrs how can I deal with it in a new way

[PUG67]

Hello there I dont realy know if im abused or just in a bad place emotionally My husband of (detail removed by moderator) yrs well his behaviour feels inappropriate and unfair he talks to and texts woman withe (detail removed by moderator) chat on his ppone all of the woman (detail removed by moderator) woman so far are known to him to him and i have found as many as (detail removed by moderator) texts a day to one woman in the past and his mood goes up and down alot dependung on if he heres from them I guess since we were married there have as i know been over (detail removed by moderator) woman hes Been flirty text too
fahe allways knows them from work and ect .
I know of the (detail removed by moderator) so far there may be more
he gets to know them and ha he seems to become obsessed and laughs texts chats with them and leaves me with no talks or interaction apart from hi whats for tea ect .
He just becomes withdrawn and doesn’t talk with me
if i say anything about th he just says its in my head hes not doing nothing wrong i feel like a nasty mother figur he answers in one word to me and avoids m steers clear.
(detail removed by moderator) weeks ago he hit me full on forehead tried to say he had not done anything but push me infact i had hit him he was stopping me i didnt hit him .
then it came out in bruises he could no longer deny his responce was to be cold and not acknolge my bruised fore head head . He didn’t speak or say a thing i just want validation that he hurt me so I said you must get help he shrugged said ok so I got the number in (detail removed by moderator) for (detail removed by moderator) to get help his mood swings and temper he could reach out email them he didn’t email . If i as he says nag about it He just says i need to behave and then goes all moody cuts off however i said i may have to go if he doesn’t get help I am trying to give him a chance all he says is hes been to busy. yesterday I found more text and money sent to a girl in (detail removed by moderator) he him sending sexual videos to her . I know im sad and stupid but I’m stuck in the house only got morgage in (detail removed by moderator) I dont know how to feel and if i even am in a abusive reltionship h he says hes doing nothing wrong then i sent the screen shots and he couldnt say anything however dismissed me with have to go busy at work . I (detail removed by moderator) stay out of the way in my room and make tea therhere and watch Tv the bed is (detail removed by moderator) so he’s in there a sleep now I have various physical illnesses (detail removed by moderator) I can tell he hates this and I’m not pretty and very over weight these woman are tiny framed when i sent in with screen shots that I had caught him still he said I’ve done nothing wrong He blanks me alot if I ask for anything he tuts rolls his eyes ect x
He runs alot and likes that to stay fit he never hugs me but will only if I ask I feel so disconnected and in a non communication I am lonley and sad if i try to chat its as if I talk to myself and he just sits listening not communicating.
you can see him thinking she will finish and be gone soon to her room.. This latest girl who hes been sending (detail removed by moderator) cards to I found it on his phone I checked phone because after (detail removed by moderator) plus times you get a feeling so he was asleep and somehow password was off .
This latest one looks about (detail removed by moderator) yrs old if not younger (detail removed by moderator) girls can look small .
ive been abused as a child I feel uneasy about her this the age its obviously a scam set up hes hooked into After he hit me (detail removed by moderator) weeks back I sai you better get help in the end sent him a counselling link info he still hasn’t contacted it is excuse not had time however can email organisation 24 hours a day i feel so disrespected and worth little . He now says he will tomorrow i won’t hold breath I am just so overwelmed and dont know if i am being realy abused as it is rare to raise his fist .why not just say i dont want to be with you and i dont love you I dont get it feel alone and stuck

[fizzylem]

Hi P, sorry to say but reading your post it is so glaring obvious to me this man is abusing you.

1. He hit you, even once is once too much.

2. He’s never asked if it is ok with you, how you feel about these interactions with other women – I dont know many women that would tolerate this behaviour apart from the polyamerous, however, these folk operate with full respect for one another – consent – otherwise it doesnt work – no respect here is there and most women dont wnat to share their man either. Its ok to have a few female friends of course, but the way he is behaving, sending sex videos, gifts and money is not being a friend is it – he sounds like a sick, creepy perve to me.

3. He doesnt engage with you and only asks for his tea. He sees you as the woman in his life there to look after him, cushion his life, deal with the mundane stuff he doesnt want to. He wants to avoid conflict as this causes hassle for him and he likes having you there to serve him. He just wants you to say nothing and get on with your job.

It sounds to me like you are leading seperate lives, there is no real intimacy at all, what I mean by that is there is no two way open and honest communication, that he is fine with this, he has a roof over his head and his maid, seeks other women for fun, sexual pleasure, chat, female interaction – when you actually feel differently and long for him to change / things to change – want interaction. In fact it wouldnt suprise me if this is how he controls you, how he keeps you there, he throws a bone now and again and starts a conversation?

Please leave. Start gathering the info you need by reading the posts on here, posting and calling the helpline. This man is vile. You dont need him. Dont think (detail removed by moderator) years mean the same to him as they do to you, youve been loyal and committed to him and the marriage only in his mind he probably hasnt been married, loyal or committed for years – only he never told you.

Do you have any family support? I imagine they have all felt for a long time how the hell do you keep limping along in this misery with him, and so will be only too willing to help you, all you need to do is ask / say. I know if you were my mum I’d be saying this and thinking thank god she’s seen the light. Keep posting and start building some support in others x

[PUG67]

Thank you your post and validation have shone a light x I dont have nirth family i spoke out about sexual child abuse and lost them easier to belive theres a lier in family rather than a monster pediphile x i dont have parents passed away and i am isolated from friends he has discoraged me to have anuone in and ive been unwell for 3 years . I am working on myself thats why i came here . I dont feel like a moaning mini now you have written back bless you

[KIP.]

Can you contact your local women’s aid for help?

[Iwantmeback]

Hi there and welcome to the forum. You have taken your first brave step on your road away from his abuse. He’s taken your love and trampled all over it, made you feel worthless,less than nothing. Really these men are so delusional, the women they interact with are pie in the sky. My oh would watch porn EVERY DAY. In the beginning I thought it was harmless, thought it was something all men did/do. But the longer I was with him, the more I realised that what he saw, how these women were treated and acted was how he thought all women should be treated in a ‘loving’ relationship. Nearer the end of our relationship I couldn’t perform fir him anymore. Without true loving actions you begin to feel used.
Your oh is treating you despicably, you are with more then he deserves. Most of us have health issues, whether severe or not, we feel we need them, as no one else will ‘love’ us. But how they treat us isn’t with love.
Please reach out,talk to your gp, contact your local WA if you can’t get through on the national helpline.
These men are emotional vampires, they will suck all your emotions from you, leave you a shell of who you were. There’s life after abuse and I’ve posted in that section a few times now.never thinking when I came on here a year ago they I’d ever leave him.
Keep posting and reading others posts, the more you learn about abuse, its complexities, how they’ll NEVER change, oh they’ll promise you anything say and do anything but they’ll NEVER change.
Best wishes IWMB 💞💞

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