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I caved in (detail removed by moderator) and messaged him. I was on holiday detail removed by moderator) and I was missing him so much. It was actually getting worse having no contact, not better being apart from him. He hasn’t replied. Yet he’s been on Facebook and the like posting comments to other people. How has it come to this. He has hurt me so much. People on the forum say he will pursue me but since he was spoken to by the police he has stayed away except to tell my friend and work colleague that he really loves me. Maybe he was just fishing to see if I’d told her anything that would affect his career. He said he was concerned about me and that he had had his help and was I sleeping. As if I have the problem. He hasn’t had his help or he must have had it in under a month then. I feel like such a fool. I feel used. I love him and yet I hate him and wish I’d made a statement because he isn’t speaking to me now anyway even though I tried to protect him and wouldn’t talk to the police and I agonised over that for weeks. I look in the mirror at myself and I look older with the stress and I’ve lost weight. I wish I could have made things better and not wound him up and we may still have what we had together. The pain is too much not being with him.
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I suspect that he knows just how much the unanswered message will hurt you, so that’s his current way of punishing you. Not all abusers pursue you full throttle. Mine didn’t really try once it was clear that I wasn’t going to crumble and go back. He made my life as difficult as possible when I was trying to sort out the legal stuff. He extracted as much money as he could from me. After that there were only a few “fishing” texts over the course of several months, before I finally blocked him and changed my number. I think in part this was because he had other victims lined up. He also abused his mother and his sister’s and had been online dating even while we were engaged, so there might well have been a new woman he was grooming as well.
Honestly, it doesn’t feel like it now, but it’s a lucky escape that he hasn’t replied. You are missing the “good” parts of being with him, i.e.the love bombing. You are forgetting the fear and the eggshells and the guilt.
Honestly, the first bit when you are out IS the worst. It’s scarier and more stressful and more anxiety inducing than being abused. Basically because when we are abused we shut down and don’t process what is happening to us. And once we are free your brains start to process and make us feel awful. And we are so used to the love bombing being the thing that lifts us out of the fear that we crave it really intensely. That’s why we want to get back with our abusers so much. But there is no guarantee that if we go back that we will get the love bombing. It is more likely that we will get more and worse abuse.
Try blocking him on social media and really focus on doing the things you want done for you. There are loads that you can actually do for yourself. Like I loved it when my boyfriend ran me a bath, or bought me flowers. So I started running myself nice baths, with bubble bath and something nice to drink by the side of the tub. And buying myself flowers, particularly when I could get them reduced. Is it as good as the high you get when abuser relents and does it for you? No. But on the plus side, it actually happens when you want and need it. And it helps you gradually heal and stop thinking that you abuser is the solution to your feelings or fear and anxiety. After that things get better. It took me about a year before the good bits consistently outweighed the bad (I think this is a timescale safe to write because there is no way I could be identified by how long I think my recovery took) but I think it would have been shorter if I had cut all contact earlier. It took me several months before I took the step of blocking him on everything, because he was pretty quiet. It wasn’t until I blocked him that I realised that it gave me much better peace of mind.
I know it is hard, but I would go back to no contact. Block him and then focus on looking after yourself. You can do this.
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Hi pth, gah, so he’s not responded then. Seems you have not got to the stage where you accept it needs to be done have you. Sadly, contacting him and not getting a response can feel awful hey, but part of it for you, sounds like you felt you needed to try, and now know how it is for him. This realisation is painful yes and reality bites for sure – but it is also needed.
I get that it can take a while to come to the end emotionally, to step away, to acknowledge it needs to be this way – took me a while too. Lots of people walk away beliveing they still love him – this is not unusual. I remember when it was over for me, I felt I loved him but I knew I couldnt be with him, couldnt put myself through it any longer – that changed eventually, as I started to live more and more in reality, once I’d removed the love filter, with reluctance at first like you, I could see it for what it was more and more. He was just a parasite really; nowadays I feel disgust.
You clealry went to the police because something happened or a string of things happened, you felt his behaviour was abusive. I think what is needed here is for you to spend time now recalling what it was really like to be with him and why the relationship really ended. It wasn’t because you went to the police, it was because of his behaviour, you didnt sign up for the abuse, but if you try to rekindle it, this is exactly what you would be signing up for – more of the same, infact it would probably get worse, as he would know he can do what he likes, treat you as he likes and you wouldn’t end it. This is an incredibly vulnerable position to place yourself.
As hard as it feels, it is about being with your heartbreak for a while and not acting on it. Do what you need to do to get through, except contact him. Can you get some counselling to help? Think you might have said previously you have? Use this space to talk about how you are feeling and work through it.
You haven’t come to terms with it yet being the end have you flower, this is a painful time but it will pass eventually. You don’t need this man, what you need is a wonderful life x
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Thank you so much ladies for your valuable words of wisdom. I will keep posting as it has helped so much. The difficulty is that he works in the same building as me and (detail removed by moderator) I saw him as I walked in reception and I got that churning feeling in my stomach. His parents have asked for things back from my house which I’ve ignored as they have emailed my work address which makes me suspicious. I am a good person and I know I don’t deserve this but it makes you start to doubt yourself because I can’t believe what has happened and trying to understand it is simply a mind f..k. I won’t be getting involved with anyone else after this as my heart wouldn’t be able to take it.
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He is going to make himself visible to you. Just like he spoke to your friend/boss about you. Knowing it would hook you back. They strut about like they have done nothing wrong. Acting like their behaviour is normal and we are the ones with the problem. It blew my mind and caused huge confusion because if I’d done what he did, I’d be running in the opposite direction, I’d be so ashamed and fearful of further consequences. It throws us off guard and makes us question our own truth. They simply do not function in our world. The words shame, empathy, guilt, compassion, truth, love, accountability, sorry etc simply don’t exist in their vocabulary. In the rare case where they do apologise you can be sure they don’t mean it and it’s just another tactic. He’s testing you. He’s in no rush, they can wait a life time to knock you down again. Time means nothing in their world. Just keep concentrating on your own recover and self esteem. You deserve so much more x
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When he sees me now he scuttles off or runs away. It’s embarrassing actually like he is the wounded party. After everything he has done to me and I am still standing. I know he is just a coward and a bully but I still love him at the moment and am still craving what we had which I know now isn’t real but I am still not there yet. People in work think we are still going out because it suits his purpose as I am well respected. I don’t want to go into details with people so I don’t mention it as I don’t want to open up any questions. I am still raw from it all. I’ve had nothing new from his mum and dad thankfully and I don’t intent to respond if I do. You would think he is the one that has been badly treated. I was the one held in a car and verbally abused and had my neck grabbed. It’s all so blurry as I go between great anger and then still loving him. Probably because he has normalised it and his parents have too. He’s broken they said before, he needs help. We all know he has issues they said…weekends are the worst for me when I crave him and what we used to do. I know it can never be the same again. I am on this new project in work so I have to concentrate on that and keep myself busy which I have been doing but at the weekends I feel lost without him. I find it all so very sad and confusing. If you love someone don’t torture them, why do you need all of the drama and chaos in your life. Why not want a happy loving relationship. I feel he has made a fool of me and used me and he does strut about in here like he’s the loveliest of people. To his family I am now the bad one and poor him for what I’ve done to their son. They forget easily how I helped to save his life and went through all the c..p when he was detoxing and giving up drinking. I feel like I was used to get him this far and start getting more work again through my rep and be sober. I supported him so much.
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I think his parents would just have been glad someone else took responsibility for him off their hands for a while. Men like him are parasites, he will have sucked you dry and will continue to do so if he can. My ex would play the victim. Not even looking at me when I saw him in the car. He would look straight ahead. Now he tries to stare me down but I force a wry smile. Even if I’m terrified underneath I refuse to let him see me intimidated. I’d definitely block him/unfollow him on all social media. Looking on their social media is torture and keeps you hooked in. Try to plan something nice for every weekend. Arrange to meet a friend. Book an appointment for your nails. Go see a movie. Just something nice to look forward to x
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He is probably terrified you’ll report him to the police. Keeping his head down may be his chosen strategy. He’s likely to be hoping you’ll let it slide until it’s too late.
Meanwhile, ignore the parents; that’s crazy mean of them but it’s easier to blame you than him. After all you did for their son, too! There’s literally nothing they can do, and if they email you at work you can easily divert it to spam.
Messaging him will only make it worse. You’re on the verge of freedom and that’s wonderful but scary, too, so you need to top up on strength and bravery for a short burst, that’s all. We’ll help!
Flower x
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Thank you all very much, I really appreciate all the advice. Some days, hours, minutes I feel better than others. Sometimes I crave him so much and other times I manage and feel more at peace. I am better during the week in work despite the fact that I see him in the building and he scuttles off now like a wounded victim that he’s not. A bullying coward is what comes to mind at the moment but I know come an hour or so I will miss him again hugely. I go from thinking of the good times to thinking of the bad times – back and forwards. I do wonder what he is doing most of the time and if he’s working his magic with someone else and turning on the charm like he did with me. I know it will pass but when it was there it was beautiful and so intense. I miss that and all that he did for me then before he started stripping it away. I am going to counselling through work just for a few sessions. To be honest I was a hell of a lot worse at the beginning of the year when he showed his true colours and I had just moved into a new home that didn’t even feel like home after his antics. I was working through the night to catch up with work as I was so behind, doing all nighters when I was exhausted anyway. My friend says I don’t look older but I look in the mirror and see a change in me since all of this began. I still feel exhausted and on edge but nothing compares to the beginning of the year. The other week he shouted (detail removed by moderator). So when he held me in the car a mentally abused me and physically at points it was all controlled. He hadn’t gone mad or off his head when he said he was going to run us into the central reservation – he said it all to scare me. (Detail removed by moderator).
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He would have scared the living daylights out of you that day no matter what. The (detail removed by moderator) was just an excuse to build himself up to a frenzied attack. I read once that the stress hormones we produce show in our skin. I remember looking quite grey for a while. My eyes looked sunken and quite haunted. I have a photo of myself a few days after the final assault. I look haunted. Huge black bags under my eyes. I remember too my hair was falling out. I’d wake to loads on my pillow and cry as I washed my hair in the shower and watch it stick to my body and wash down the plug hole, I remember the utter fear as I cleaned it from the plug hole, clumps after clumps. Anyway, it grew back thicker than ever! Good riddance to bad rubbish. You will get through this and be a stronger person for it. He will always be the coward he is. Can you imagine him doing that to someone you love. Look after yourself. Be very kind to yourself.
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Well he eventually after a few days of thinking about it or controlling the situation got back to me to meet up that evening when he was finished work on his time. I said I was busy which I was and the response came back ‘ok. will work something out’. Total control. Why not just be an adult and say well what about this day or that day. A line to keep me guessing and wondering what his next move will be. I am slowly getting sick of it.I just want to say f..k off then…you d…k. He just disrespects me. He should be on his hands and knees grovelling for forgiveness after what he’s done but hey look at the situation. Here is me trying to make amends and work things out after what he’s done. I must have no self respect. I don’t understand myself and why I would even try to smooth things over when he doesn’t give a s**t and he just wants to mess with my head. You would, as an ordinary human being, say well these are the other dates that I’m free but because I said I was busy on the night he wanted to meet and I refused to drop everything for him which I would have done in the past then I am left dangling…
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