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Really unsure how to even start this post, because I feel ridiculous being here. I feel over dramatic. He always tells me I act like a victim, as if I am not so am I or aren’t I? I just don’t know.
I’m sat here with a bruise on my head. Where I was smacked around the head three times last night whilst holding my baby. My baby is not even (detail removed by moderator) yet. Just for being unhappy with something and saying it.
And ever since I have asked myself why didn’t I just keep my mouth shut like he tells me too. Why have I always got to speak.
But the stuff he does hurts. He goes off for days and I know he is cheating and when confront him he can barely take the smile off his face while denying it…until he gets angry and then threatens me so I am quiet. We have 3 kids and the last two I didn’t want. I remember when I was pregnant with our second child him threatening to crash the car when with me and our 1st child in it when I suggested termination.
His behaviour had got better. He still had a bad temper but the cheating had seemed to stop. Shortly after our 3rd child was born it was like a switch and he went right back to being nasty. I got punched in the shoulder for having a panic attack when she a few weeks old.
He always says it’s my fault that we have issues.
Since having my last child I have felt very low and lonely and he knows this. Yet it’s like he gets some enjoyment out of making me feel worse. He says he’s not doing anything and it’s all in my head.
There’s so much that has happened and I’m too embarrassed to speak about it. I just know something has got to give as I can’t carry on like this. But I worry if I try and get help that actually he is right and it is my fault. -
It’s not all in your head and it is not your fault. Look up gaslighting – it’s a term used to describe the way that abusers mess with your head. Your partner is abusive, and if you can get help to leave things will get better. Try calling the helpline – it can take a while to get through, but they will be able to help you.
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Hi Idontknow, welcome to the forum.
You definitely are a victim, of his abuse. It is a classic abuser move to say you are acting like a victim and to blame it all on you. They love to cast us as the villains and play the victim themselves, making us feel confused and guilty. My ex called me hostile while I was cowering away from him in fear, it is called gaslighting, and they do it to keep us confused, stuck with them and compliant to their demands, blaming ourselves.
It sounds like the abuse has escalated to dangerous levels. To be hitting you, on top of that to be hitting you whilst you are holding your baby, is extremely serious physical abuse, and child abuse too.
In a healthy relationship you would be able to voice any complaints, problems etc and your partner would be able to discuss it in a calm, fair and rational way. You wouldn’t be told to ‘keep your mouth shut’ or feel any fear for your partner. The very fact that you are ‘not allowed to speak or raise any complaints’ is a marker of an abusive relationship. My ex was the same, he started to threaten me after I brought up one too many things he didn’t like which were very mild and minor things (he was cheating on me too, but I didn’t know it at the time). In their minds, they can do whatever they like – lie to us, hurt is emotionally and physically, bully us, cheat on us, take our money, destroy our belongings etc but we have to live by their rules, which they change all the time, and never tell us what these crazy rules are. They are delusional, entitled, cruel and have no empathy. Sadly it is impossible to have a healthy relationship with one of these types of men and the abuse always escalates.
If you read back what you have written, you are actually describing serious abuse and a very unhealthy relationship where he has all the power and control, and your feelings have been denied and minimised so you that the abuse and cheating seem normal. They aren’t, and you deserve so much more.
I got the exact same feeling about my ex, that he used to enjoy hurting me. I’d always see this slight flicker of a smile on his lips and in his eyes after he saw he had upset me in some way, then he would point on this little boy voice and profess his innocence and ‘comfort’ me.
Look up the Power and Control wheel in google and the Cycle of Abuse, it should help make sense of things.
I’m very sorry to hear you’re going through this. Ring the helpline and leave a voicemail for them to ring you back if you can’t get through (as long as it’s safe). Also do a search for your local women’s aid who are usually easier to get through to than the national number. And keep posting for support. No need to feel embarassed here, we all get it, and the shame is all his.
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Thank you for commenting. It’s nice to know it isn’t all in my head.
So (detail removed by Moderator) when he was at work I sent him a message to say that I wanted him to collect some stuff and leave. He did turn up (detail removed by Moderator) and collect some stuff and was walking around making as much mess as possible. I did not react. I did not speak to him at all, until he asked where something was and I asked him for my keys back but he refused.
But that’s all minor in the grand scheme of things.
It’s like an instant relief him not being here. But that was the easy part, I’ve done this bit before. Now I have to stick to it and not let him work his way back in.
It’s funny because even though I don’t want him here, even though I know deep down he is to blame for his own actions, that I couldn’t have done any more or loved him anymore and actually I was fighting a losing battle, I can shake off that sicky feeling I get when he is gonna and you think of nice things and I feel like it’s all my fault.
I am going to get professional help because I am determined this is the last time. Going to do one thing at a time as to not feel overwhelmed like I always do.
These forums are a comfort in away, reading people posts and realising I am not crazy after all. -
Change your locks. Today if you can. Don’t let him back in. Pack up all his stuff and get someone else to give it to him. Block all contact with him. And inform the police of what you are doing. This seems like an overreaction. But it isn’t. You know he is good at manipulating you, which is why you need no contact. And he has your keys, which means he intends to return. This is an opening for him to manipulate you, but also puts you in danger of escalating physical abuse – things very often get worse when you try to end the relationship. Which is why you need to change the locks. And inform the police if you feel like you can. Call the helpline for advice. If you don’t get through leave a message – just your phone number and the fact that you just asked him to leave should be enough to get them to call back fairly quickly I would hope.
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