- This topic has 7 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 7 years, 7 months ago by
.
-
Posts
-
-
I were kind of seeing someone but turns out he had been chatting to one or 2 other people. He had been in an abusive relationship himself we both hit it of so well too. But I can’t have someone I can’t trust. I’m just destined to be alone. I feel quite sad as I really cared bout him he tret me well. Feel at a loss now as me and the kids have nobody. Xx
-
Hi betterdays you’re wrong…….you have each other ☺️ This man just wasn’t meant to be, his loss!! You’ll find someone who will truly love you & your kids in time. So for now just remeber why you’re going through all this, for a better life for you & your children.
-
-
You have each other. Why do you need a romantic relationship with a man for you and your kids?
If you can’t trust him, then that is an abusive trait. See the Liar and the Sexual Controller in the Freedom Programme book : Living with the Dominator. https://www.amazon.co.uk/Living-Dominator-About-Freedom-Programme/dp/0955882702
Also DV/DA organisations recommend waiting 2 years after the last abusive behaviour/contact to start dating. One year to sort out your survival and one year to focus on your recovery.
They recommend this time so 1. we don’t run into another abusive relationship and 2. we don’t run into a toxic relationship like co-dependency or where we cannot contribute fully to the relationship because we are still healing.
There is nothing wrong with being alone. I intend to be alone for a very long time if not forever!
-
Dear Betterdays, i’m sorry its not worked out with this man. I know it gets lonely & difficult, especially as i’m sure its not easy for you managing as a single parent with 3 autistic sons & a family who doesn’t help you. I can understand sometimes we want a cuddle, company & to feel like a special woman as these men can make us feel. Maybe even its nice to have some of the physical action (sex!) occasionally, the men give you as distraction to normal life, i have been there. It gives us a lift compared to the doldrums & difficulty of everyday life. But personally (just my opinion) I am not sure if you are ready to be getting together with another man at the moment. You were still in two minds about whether to move or not. Your eldest was playing up, the ex has recently been spoken to by the police and you have been shunned by your family. Maybe it would be better for you to really get the foundations solid & secure before you get together with anybody, i.e the house move decided on and your boys happier in themselves. I am going to stick to what Sahara has said about the 2 year rule. You have the chance to build something solid and secure for the rest of your lives. You perfect man is there somewhere and he will love and encourage you and your boys. X*X
-
I think after all I’ve been through, a man who I can be really good friends with as part of the deal is important. This means openness and honesty.
I don’t think all men are bad. See the women here who have found good partners following abuse.
I read a quote today: ‘We attract what we are ready for.’ When the time is right, you will meet someone worthy of you.
-
What gives these arrogant users their confidence is hoodwinking people. Managing to fool people.
It used to confuse me as to why these abusers hated being outed or for us to tell them negative things about themselves- surely, if they were horrible and guilty of the a use, they wouldn’t care? Now I realise that vitamin a conscience thing or even an acceptance thing- they don’t feel bad, and they don’t need our love as such- they just need us to give our power away to them. They need us to acquiesce and to blame ourselves, as this way they have ultimate power and control over our head and emotions. They need to be in the driving seat, manipulating us. They rely on us continuing to be brainwashed. It’s what gives them their power.
What they hate more than anything- and what cuts down their confidence- is being outed for who they are.
After years of suffering bullying, and taking the blame for my ex’s abuse, I twigged who he was. I even told him he was a n********t. He couldn’t bear being outed. He couldn’t bear me having a negative opinion of him- he needed me to believe he was right and I was wrong.
He relied upon using me and our family as a mask. He used me by telling people what a moral job I had, just to make himself look normal. He hid behind us. Behind me. When he realised that I had worked out that he in fact was the abuser, and that he was in fact a horrible person, he ran for the hills.
There was a website I read some time ago written by a woman who experienced a use and is on a manic mission to expose abusers. She says the only way to cut them down is to expose them. Ne t time anyone mistreats you, Betterdsys, don’t shuffle away hurt and begin to think it’s a reflection on you. Face it head on: tell that person what they are. Bring it out into the public arena. Name and shame their abuse.
Tell your family they are being unkind. Tell your ex he is an abusive dad. Tell thusman you’ve been seeing that he is a player and a piece of rubbish. Name it, shame it.
Just don’t go away thinking it’s you. Allowing ourselves to be brainwashed is what gives them their power.
Like us, you gave too much credit to people who don’t deserve it.
There are people out there whose consciences won’t let them lie or be unkind. You will meet these people. You just need to save your previous time for those who deserve it. x*x
-
There is some excellent reading about this in Fuel by HG Tudor. It describes how the n********t feeds his needs & small ego i.e to slight,rip off or disrespect a colleague would satisfy & feed his ego somewhat. An ex partner grovelling would be the ultimate, like liquid gold powering him up fully. If this woman then committed suicide due to his rejection the sense of power he would feel would be his ultimate achievment. They need boosts to their ego like we need bread & water, these boosts come from positive & negative attention & make them feel normal & alive.
-
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.
