I can't avoid it any more

[LaPetite]

My husband has been emotionally, psychologically, financially and verbally abusive for years. It is very subtle and constant. Lots of gaslighting and intermittent reward. He can be very volatile and I feel like I’m always walking on eggshells. It is affecting our children and I know I will need to leave at some point, or keep standing up to him until he leaves. When I’ve tried to leave in the past he emotionally blackmails me and threatens suicide. I recently took a course in overcoming n**********c abuse and now I’m reading a book about it. I didn’t know what it was until a few years ago when I discovered why my mother is so casually abusive, it has taken this long to really see what is happening in my marriage as well. I’m being systematically broken down and there isn’t much of me left. I have constant anxiety, can’t think straight and he doesn’t let me get enough sleep so I am always tired. I have no support from anywhere else, he has isolated me from my friends, we live near his large family and a long way from my small one. I’m worried he will refuse to leave if I ask him to, or he’ll leave and label me unstable. The course and the book I’m reading have made me realise the situation is much more serious than I had allowed myself to believe. I am waiting for the next outburst or scary financial letter and then I will have a reason to ask him to go. I’ve been saying that for years but now I have a better understanding of the situation and realise it/he will never change. It is still pretty devastating though and I am struggling to get my head around it and keep doubting that it is really happening.

[Scapegoat]

Hi LaPetite, I can relate to your experience and believe my oh is a na********* too and threatens that if I leave he will destroy me and lose me my job, which he hates. However now he has decided I need to leave as he cannot put up with my controlling, selfish behaviour any longer because I don’t pay him enough attention or compliments?!
Would you mind sharing the name of the course and book you used please, it sounds interesting. It is really scary isn’t it as you feel like your life is being taken out of your hands, and keeping it together on a daily basis is overwhelming and exhausting, not much energy or confidence left to evolve anything then. I’ve been saying I need to get out for years too, that much I feel like a whiny so and so. Now he is actually working I feel I have to act before if it is too late again.
Stay strong and lots of love your way 💕

[Anonymous]

Hi Lapetite, I can relate to everything you have just posted. My ex has been abusing me the same way for some years. I say he hasn’t been physical but he has spat, thrown things at me, kicked, pinched, smashed and broken my property. He started off being controlling, then that gradually built up to being verbal and emotionally abusive. And the final was the physical side.

I tolerated his behavior for a while and did think it could be the stress of children & work etc. Then I started to see patterns forming that were becoming very regular. I noticed he’d always start picking on things the way before pay day, so this would end up with me trying to explain myself and him going on a full rant telling me he wasn’t paying a penny and leaving for the weekend. He did this alot and seemed like I was forever borrowing money off my family. Then he’d go on a full rant about someone moving or touching something and would explode,then the next day he’d tell me how I behaved wasn’t okay and I shouldn’t touch his things because it makes him angry! The list could go on, but he has caused alot of emotional upset to myself. And if I ever questioned him over his behavior, he’d tell me he’s concerned for my mental state and if I talk like that around people, they’d take my children off me and give them to him.

It’s the under handed things that they do that we know aren’t right, but it’s proving it. Towards the end I started recording everything.

I think if he will go willingly then let him go but apply for an injunction as soon as he leaves, also be careful when approaching him. Because he’s lost control over you, he’ll be feeling very angry. I know how you feel I really do, but just know you’re not alone. Hug xx

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