I can't believe

[hop]

I split up with my kids dad the best part of a decade ago. The Dr told me he was abusive. He used to go out and take the keys to the house so I was locked in and the pram and stuff so I couldn’t go out. He wouldn’t eat or use anything I bought or cooked. He constantly told me i was lazy but at the same time whatever housework I did wasn’t good enough. If he said he liked something I’d buy him it for presents but he changed his mind about what he liked. He used to throw anything that my family and friends had bought in the bin saying we had too much stuff and I was isolated from my family and lost friends because he’d say we’d go to weddings/christenings/parties but I’d get ready have the kids sorted then he’d just refuse to go. I couldn’t drive so he’d leave it until he knew I definitely wouldn’t have time to go before he said he wouldn’t go. I couldn’t believe this was abuse. It was awful living conditions but I thought he was a grump. He never hit me but he grabbed me and stood over me full of aggression and scared me a lot. I’d just had a baby and was seeing someone and I kept seeing in the boot of his car a rusty machete, a screwdriver and rope. He’d go out late at night and come back saying he’d been to buy drugs, which he did get, but when I asked him to take those items out the car he point blank refused. He thought it was funny that it scared me. That was until I told the woman I was seeing and suddenly it wasn’t funny I was accusing him of something all of a sudden. They thought I had psychosis because of what I’d said and was downgraded and couldn’t ever tell anyone again what he was doing. Before I even saw the stuff he had in his car I used to scour the Internet for missing women. Now I just think he deliberately made me look like a complete headcase. It’s taken me many, many years of work to go beyond the mental torment but sometimes when I’m anxious I still search the Web for missing women. It’s awful. He told me once I was the type of person who would kill him and my children then myself. I was devastated that I come across that way. I hurt myself pretty badly and nearly killed myself a few times but I’ve never raised my hands to my kids. I feel worried he’ll hurt my child who has to see him. I’m a mess every time they go there.
Sorry this is long but that’s only the tip of the iceberg

[KIP.]

You’re right to be worried. Are you in touch with your local women’s aid? Can you get them to support you? Do you have a court order in place for access? Start keeping all the evidence you can of his behaviour. Start a journal and write down everything you can remember x speak to your GP? Get a support network round you. Ring the helpline number on here for more advice x keep going x trust your gut…

[hop]

He keeps taking me to court (court detail removed by moderator). I go to my drs at least twice a month more at the moment because I’m not coping. My lawyer’s are so supportive and so is my Dr. I can’t bear to tell my family the ins and outs. My family knows he was coersive and emotionally abusive but I’ve been quite evasive about the sex stuff because it’s so shameful that I let him and stayed with him. I didn’t really know it was abuse I just knew I didn’t like it and didn’t want to do things he did.

[KIP.]

Yep, I was abused for decades and didn’t realise. It was women’s aid who helped me. You’re not responsible for your actions when you’re being abuse. Abuse leaves us vulnerable and confused. The shame is all his x

[hop]

I know that’s true for other people but I find it impossible to see that for myself. He says I lie. I’m a liar and the psych thought I was psychotic. M I do ask my therapist how she knows I’m telling the truth. She keeps telling me that she believes me and that she knows when someone is in front of her that has been through the stuff I’ve been through from professional and personal experience. It doesn’t help me when I know he’d say I was lying. He still controls me in that way after all these years. She also says we don’t care what he thinks because he’s a bad man but I worry he’ll find out what I’ve told them. He would never be able to hear or know but I feel like he does. I know it’s stupid but I panic during the sessions that he knows what we’re doing.

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