I can’t believe I’m writing this…

[Supporteachother]

Hello, I wanted some advice about emotional abuse. The more I am in this relationship the more I feel that this is abusive and I am being shamed and blamed for anything that “goes wrong”. My partner is very controlling and has to have things completed in a certain way and what makes him comfortable-he often dismisses my suggestions.
When we have a disagreement he calls me very nasty names, swears at me, raises his voice even when I ask him not to, and blames me for his behaviours. If I raise an issue he always says “no” or more often than not tells me that I am wrong. I feel there is a massive blame game constantly and he makes his emotions a priority. (detail removed by moderator)
He calls me names, sometimes very nasty ones, idiot, stupid, rude, however if I call him something such as childish when I’ve reached my limit he forces me to apologise to him and tells me I’m out of order and I’m a horrible person.
He is a very angry person and if he is frustrated or annoyed with anything, including himself, he takes it out on me. There is no violence (physical) though.
He won’t acknowledge that this behaviour is not ok and I have tried on several occasions to make him aware of this and nothing really changes. He is so aggressive, and will not accept that his behaviour is not ok. He’s got no empathy for anyone but himself. I can’t believe that nobody else has noticed this about him in (detail removed by moderator) He’s been allowed to get away with his behaviour for so long he now thinks that it’s normal and refuses to see that he needs some help. Even when it’s come from a place of caring he tells me to shut up and it’s enough and he doesn’t want to hear it. I don’t think he’s dealt with issues from his past and he’s just very angry at the world.
I get the feeling that he doesn’t like it if other people talk to me, he wants to know exactly what they have said, even if it is something innocent and I can’t really remember.
He speaks to me rudely in front of other people or completely ignores me but then tells me my behaviour is unacceptable and asks why I’m quite offended it’s clear I feel a little upset by this.
He is incredibly selfish. His way is the only way that is “right” and he can’t take criticism or advice on anything. He wants to do everything his way even if it is clear to everyone else it’s the wrong course of action. Then gets angrier when it all goes wrong.
When he’s angry he completely loses his temper with everyone and everything around him and is completely out of control.
Additionally, I also have bouts of anxiety. If I don’t respond in a way he deems appropriate (detail removed by moderator) then he tells me I haven’t acknowledged his feelings at all and won’t accept that this is a side effect of my anxiety. I feel that he wants me to constantly be aware of his feelings whilst he doesn’t really want to be that bothered with mine. My anxiety is a huge part of my personality and I have spent a long time monitoring and managing it and he doesn’t really want to deal with it and tells me “it’s concerning” despite me saying this is the wrong terminology to use.
I try really hard to be loving and attentive and provide the best care I can and when for example I don’t hug him quick enough or I’m being a bit “silly” he completely loses his mind, shouts at me, tells me he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with me and tells me my actions are out of order.

Even after an argument when he’s said he will change he never does, he goes back to picking, answering back, always having to have the last word and then accuses me of being angry and shouting at him when I retaliate. He won’t accept that his behaviour towards me is why I get upset and angry, that emotion doesn’t come first. If I then say he’s behaving childishly or being pathetic (which I know isn’t probably the most appropriate response) he then says I’m horrible and nasty to him and if other people saw my behaviour they would feel sorry for him.

However this is not something that happens every day, but it is becoming more frequent, some days he is a completely different person and is very kind and loving. I feel like he has a complete split personality and I never know who or what I am going to wake up to and as a result my anxiety is out of control.
I have tried to explain this to him, but with disastrous consequences and he blames me for the issues I have raised.
I used to be very independent and quite feisty and not be afraid to say how I feel in many aspects of my life, but now I feel like a shadow of my former self and I just don’t say anything or challenge the behaviour anymore.
He argues with me a lot or says hurtful comments and if I go quiet for a minute to collect my thoughts, as I am now so exhausted and emotionally drained from constant nastiness, he accuses me of being arsey with him and tells me to get out of my mood.

I had a complete meltdown a few days ago because I really did hit my limit and he said that he would change, he promised all sorts of things and two days later he’s back to behaving the same way.
I want some advice with what I could do, or strategies I could use to help me cope during the days of frustration, or if in fact this is a clear cut case of emotional abuse. Thank you.

[Gerbil]

Hi.
I am sorry but I don’t have long to reply.
I think that you do already know the answer to your question. Generally if someone asks is this abuse, then it usually is abuse.
It sounds to me like he is emotionally abusive to you.
I have learnt so much about abuse from this group.
As a starting point I would read the Lundy Bancroft book and I think this would help you understand your situation a bit more.
Take care and keep posting ( everyone on here understands!)x

[Twisted Sister]

Hello Supporteachother

I think all any of us have ever wanted is for the abuse to stop. Sadly, its highly unlikely that it ever will. He’s exacerbating your anxieties, and showing zero regard for you. This is because its all about him.

There is nothing wrong in pointing out to someone when they are being childish, there is very much wrong with name-calling and raging at you. These things are worlds apart, but, as much as you try I’m afraid you will never get him to acknowledge his abuse, or change the way he is. It works for him, so he goes on doing it, and will only escalate the more he feels he’s losing control of you, and this, whilst maybe not physical now, can include violence at any point. Don’t underestimate what lengths he could go to in order to keep you under his domination.

Excellent recommendationg the Lundy Bancroft book, and it deal specifically whith this split personality syndrome that all of us seem to say about the abuser, and that its not real. There was a section from the book quoted on here recently on exactly that, and all its about is him manipulating you by using extremes in whatever direction to get you back under control. Its no way to live and is taking an untold toll on your mental health.

Do keep talking about it, you are not alone in this, and need to keep talking to anyone that you can trust to build your supports irl as well as here. Keep talking it through.

warmest wishes

ts

[Twisted Sister]

here’s the link to the ‘split personalities excerpt’ as addressed by Lundy Bancroft.

CLICK HERE

[RedStrawberry]

Hi supporteachother I could have written that almost word for word. The constant blame, the everything their way. The anger and frustration. The anxiety especially that part. My ex has been gone a while now and almost overnight the anxiety went. I’d had it on and off for years before I met him but I didn’t realise that it was his behaviour that was making it so much worse. In fact I think he used to enjoy doing things that would increase it so he had a reason to have a go at me. This went on for years and eventually I walked away from an argument instead of trying to stand my ground only for him to follow me and turn physical. I never thought he’d actually hurt me but I was wrong because the problem was him not me. Sending massive hugs and here to chat

[Supporteachother]

Thank you so much, I am realising that this isn’t normal m. I really appreciate the advice and guidance

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