Viewing 19 reply threads
  • Author
    Posts
    • #133554
      nbumblebee
      Participant

      I know i said id stop posting i post way too much but I really needed to talk today.
      My week has been horrible. Non stop nastyness from being made to look at old pictures and told i was better looking fat more attractive then and how now i never make an effort. How he asked me to dress up so he could have sex.
      How he refused to eat dinner as i had been to work.
      How he makes it impossible every single day for me to work.
      How he is now watching every penny i spend telling me now i work i have to use my own money on bills not his. I earn pennies compared to him oh and we have had 2 days of silent treatment tok and then the one day of nice as he wanted sex. Small tiny things I know but add them all together and its been a hellish week.
      Ive cried non stop all week.
      But I still cant leave him still cant admit that this is abuse its just nastyness in my eyes hes just trying to make me quit my job he admitted that himself he says he hates life now he hates not knowing where i am and who i am with he believes and accuses me every day of having an affair. He is getting nastier each and every day. Im barely standing but and here is the but I am standing and I am still going to work putting on a smile and getting there and doing my job. It hurts so much but I am determined to not let him see how much it hurts and I am determined to not let him make me quit this job.
      So i have a little fire burning inside me I just gotta make sure he doesnt put it out.
      I am hoping by standing my ground he will eventually see how much this means to me and stop and support me love me like a husband should yes I still am hanging on to that hope.
      Ive been reading books youve suggested talking to some of you who have given me amazing advise that I just cant yet take im angry cause the same part of me knows all this hope is in vain he wont ever change there will be something else wrong next week I know that but I just keep trying anyway ridiculous arent I?
      Theres no point to my post at all Im just feeling so alone so low I needed to just talk.
      Thank you again for letting me winge on.
      Sending you all hugs stay safe xx

    • #133559
      Lifebegins
      Participant

      Hi nbumblebee,

      I don’t think there is a woman that has got out that hasn’t been where you are now so don’t be hard on yourself. It’s a journey. And you’ve taken the first steps. You and only you will know if/when it’s the right time.

      There was a great topic on here about getting to your red line- the point where you can take no more and you finally leave. If I remember rightly the reaching of the red line is a very individual thing and can take a long time and many failed attempts to leave to get there. I can’t find it though. Any of the other ladies know where it is???

      I’ll keep looking. Don’t worry about posting/whinging. You are not all. This is exactly the right place to come to vent.

      Stay strong 💪 xx

    • #133566
      Bananaboat
      Participant

      Please don’t stop posting. I often think the same, especially when times are bad but posting helps us know we’re not alone. I’m bang in the middle of a bad week too, mass drinking, verbal abuse, he’s destroyed our Ring doorbell saying it’s for spying on him, been ignored, had kids used as weapons, hasn’t paid any bill money so I can’t pay the rent, has let down kids on bonfire night, been trapped in my room until lunchtime today. I wish it was easy to leave, we could just walk to our new front door and start a better life. One day bumblebee, you love your job and know his abuse won’t stop if you quit it.

    • #133571
      Lifebegins
      Participant

      I agree with Bananaboat. He doesn’t want you to work so you’re completely dependent on him. When you work, you’re doing something for yourself that he’s not the focus of. You’re in contact with other people and can make friends so you’re not so isolated. You also gain some financial independence. It’s a win/win for you but a lose/lose for him.

      Doing a job I enjoy, having the support of my colleagues and employer when I finally left and told them of the abuse, and being financially independent were huge factors in my not returning.

      Don’t let him put you off working. As Bananaboat says the abuse won’t stop if you quit xx

      • #133636
        nbumblebee
        Participant

        @lifebegins Thank you i know you are right I do I gotta start to believe it for real xx

    • #133574
      Eggshells
      Participant

      Ditto to everything that’s already been said.

      He wants you to pay the bills so that you have no money of your own. He needs you to be dependent on him. I hope you are not going to pay. You need to be squirreling that money away!

      I abit worried to hear that his behaviour is getting worse. I’m concerned about how much he is prepared to escalate his abuse. It might be worth keeping a bag packed and hidden just incase you need to leave in a hurry. xx

      • #133576
        nbumblebee
        Participant

        @eggshells, Thank you, this worries me too ive seen such anger and hate in his eyes. My counsellor bas been advising me to do this for a while now as she knew he would get worse i cant seem to do it.
        Makes all this real makes it more than nastiness makes it abuse i guess and im not ready to face that.

    • #133577
      KIP.
      Participant

      You’re looking to an abuser for your own self worth and validation and you will never find it there. Won’t be long before he gets physical so keep your phone on you at all times, fully charged and ring 999 when it happens x I know how frozen you are and I’ve been there and I just froze till he assaulted me but at least the police removed him because I couldn’t. Try looking elsewhere for help to get you out of this x

      • #133679
        nbumblebee
        Participant

        Thank you Kip frozen now thats a really good way to describe this feeling. Thank you xx

    • #133586
      Lifebegins
      Participant

      I don’t know if this is an actual thing or not but I could’ve sworn in the last few months when I felt strongly that I was finally going to leave him and was on this forum and doing some ‘just in case’ prep work, that he could sense it. It was like he was so attuned to me, he could see inside my head.

      Don’t know if anyone else had this?

      this was when things escalated for me though so I feel for you nbumblebee with the week you’ve had but perhaps he’s sensing it too?

      Don’t want to scare you but forewarned is forearmed. You say he’s watching every penny you spend? Any chance you could squirrel a little to buy a change of clothes that you could leave in a bag at work or at family/friends? And a spare phone charger? And a little cash? Or a spare bank card? You may never use it but ‘just in case’ xx

      • #133588
        gettingtired
        Participant

        I haven’t left yet so haven’t had that experience but I’ve certainly been astonished at times by how much he is able to read me. Especially when I try to keep things as ‘grey rock’ as I possibly can whilst still being with him.
        I think I heard Dr Ramani talking about n********t’s abilities of picking up on things before in one of her videos though xx

      • #133617
        nbumblebee
        Participant

        Oh he definatly knows i am trying to be stronger which is why he is getting nastier trying harder to beat me down. Xx

    • #133612
      Eggshells
      Participant

      @Lifebegins Yes, it’s an actual thing. They sense that they are loosing control as you gain confidence.

      Nbumblebee is demonstrably taking control so her partner will go to greater extremes to try to wrestle control back.


      @nbumblebee
      , please try to pack a bag, this is important. Try to imagine that it’s just be a weekend bag for a quick stay away.

      • #133616
        nbumblebee
        Participant

        I hear you I really do but packing a bag feels wrong feels like ive given up on him on us.

      • #133624
        Bananaboat
        Participant

        What is your ideal outcome, what does good look like for you?

        Then, on a scale of 1-10, ten being it will definitely happen, knowing you, him and your circumstances how likely do you think the ideal is? xx

      • #133626
        nbumblebee
        Participant

        @Bananaboat I want him to learn that being abusive hurtful nasty is wrong its not the way to treat someone you love. I want him to see me getting stronger and love me more not hate me more. I am hoping that by being strong trying to gain my life back he will see what hes been doing and stop and just love ME.
        1-10 chances on good days id say 8 when hes nasty 0 realisically honestly its a 0 isnt it? It wont happen will it?

      • #133638
        Eyesopening
        Participant

        I just saw this part, I have to be brutally honest and I learnt after many years as I’m sure many others have. That people just don’t change. Especially these types of men as they do not hold themselves accountable or have any reflection skills or any ability to look at their behavior and change. They do whatever they want to get what they want and care nothing for anyone else or for morally doing whats right or wrong.
        You will realize it in time. The more he hurts you, the more he fails you. The more you will see, this man wont ever change.
        And actually he will only get worse which seems to be the standard, abuse always gets worse, it never stays the same.
        X*x

      • #133661
        nbumblebee
        Participant

        @eyesopening, Thank you for your honesty, sometimes what we need to hear is what we dont want to hear. I really do appreciate it.
        Xxxxxx

      • #133641
        Bananaboat
        Participant

        And if the 0 times were the real him, what advice would be giving yourself? I know it’s so incredibly tough isn’t it, we live for those 8’s but that’s the hook, the trauma bonding, the slot machine that keeps you playing hoping you’ll win again. It’s so hard isn’t it

      • #133642
        nbumblebee
        Participant

        Gosh its so hard right? Ive been on here for months learning all I can so I can see and believe reading, listening really trying so so hard but yeah to really admit it means to me that im ready to give up on a marriage thats lasted decades it cant have all been bad right?
        Some days i wanna hit my own head against a wall and shout run you idiot run but then others its hey its ok we can work this out.
        Maybe im just crazy. Xxxxxxx

      • #133648
        Bananaboat
        Participant

        You’re not crazy, you’re a good person with a kind heart, who just wants him to feel the same.x

      • #133666
        Eyesopening
        Participant

        Hey, hope your ok today,
        You are not crazy, we all are going through this or went through it.
        It took me 2 years and 2months to finally leave after first realizing my ex was abusive. I even stopped thinking he was abusive for long periods of time within that time. I was in and out of wanting to leave even after I left.
        It’s so painful to to come to terms that the person who should love us and be our best friend, our partner in life. Does not have our best interest at heart.
        I try to just think of me, not focus that he wasn’t a good person.
        What did I need? What did I deserve? It was nothing he could give me.
        It can be so heartbreaking to just think about them and what they are doing to us. So shift the focus to your self xx

      • #133674
        nbumblebee
        Participant

        Thank you and no I am not ok.
        Ive not gone into work today as i just dont have the energy to fight him today and even then he rang me making sure i wasnt at work i didnt answer at first and when i did he just hurled abuse at me for not answering straight away. Hes gonna be horrible when he gets home im dreading it already. Theres always something i do wrong always. I wish with all my heart i could just run. Xx

      • #133680
        Eyesopening
        Participant

        I’m so sorry 🙁
        Some people leave when there are no big incidents, they just had enough. Some people leave with the assistance of a bad incidence. I worry about you and your safety if you wait for the latter option. But I believe you will do the right thing when you are ready.
        We all leave in different ways. But to me, I would suggest just doing whatever he wants to appease him, to make life easier for yourself. You are not doing it for him, you are doing it to protect yourself. There is no point standing up to him. He will punish you for it. You need to gain a bit of strength to leave and by not having to deal with him in a bad state, you can grow a bit of that strength. I let my ex think everything was fine and I was being the perfect women for him. So he would leave me alone. So secretly I had an easy life whilst i was preparing to leave.
        Can you get some unpaid leave at work? Or holiday, I took off two weeks of leave when I escaped.
        x*x

      • #133681
        nbumblebee
        Participant

        Thank you. Ive only just started working after (detail removed by Moderator) years of not being allowed too which js why hes being nastier so i cant take time off just took a sick day today i just didnt have it in me to fight him today. But I do love that idea of yours of pretending all is fine whilst planning an escape made me smile that good for you.
        Thank you xxxxxx

    • #133614
      Eyesopening
      Participant

      Hang in there, don’t stop posting and don’t apologize for posting. We want to hear from you and we all learn from eachothers posts.
      Your on the right path. Be kind to yourself and reassuring to yourself. You are doing amazingly in the situation that you are in xx

    • #133656
      Darknessallaround
      Participant

      @nbumblebee you are not crazy, not at all. It’s good to read up on this abuse stuff and learn about other people’s experiences, but until you are ready to accept deep down that it’s over and nothing is going to change, then all the advice in the world probably isn’t going to make any difference.

      I can really relate to the difficulty of giving up on a relationship that’s lasted for decades. I hear the conflict within you, between the rational side saying ‘run’ and the emotional side saying ‘we can work this out’. It’s like I’m reading my story.

      I don’t have any answers because I haven’t figured it out yet either – I left and went back more than once. The situation wears us down and the more years go by, the harder it is to leave. It’s easier to stay than it is to go, even if staying is bad for us, at least that’s what I’ve found.

      • #133675
        nbumblebee
        Participant

        Thank you for sharing bless your heart are you still with him now or have you managed to leave?

      • #133975
        Darknessallaround
        Participant

        @nbumblebee – I left, was away for a long long time (but made the mistake of not breaking all contact), then stupidly went back. Haven’t managed to leave again since, not sure I’ll be able to.

        Codependency screws with your head.

        I know that feeling of dreading waking up because you don’t know what mood he’s going to be in. Trying to anticipate the moods and the silences. Walking on eggshells trying not to trigger anything. Constantly failing because whatever you do will never be good enough.

        I hope you’ve been able to go back to work.

    • #133677
      nbumblebee
      Participant

      Today i feel like a failure as ive given in and not gone to work. I am behind on his paperwork and i am exhausted trying and fighting so i did what he wanted and havent gone in. But he rang me and qhwn i didnt answer straight away he just went crazy shouting and moaning at me down the phone. Accusing me of all sorts questioning where i was what i was doing. Hes going to be horrible whwn he gets home and i feel sick already. Nothing i do is ever gonna be right is it? This is just an impossible life. X*x

    • #133688
      Lifebegins
      Participant

      @nbumblebee, you’re not a failure. You are doing what you have to do to get by when living with an abuser. Plain and simple. We’ve all been there. We all understand. Please don’t be so hard on yourself.

      Unfortunately, no, nothing you’ll ever do will be right. If you were the most perfect partner in the world, he’d still find something to berate you or have a go at you about. The problem is with him not you. And that’s why you can’t ever fix it.

      Please take care of yourself and we’re always here to share with xx

      • #133704
        nbumblebee
        Participant

        Thank you Ive had my moan and im ready to face him again later weve just gotta be strong and hang on right. Thanks @lifebegins xxxx

      • #133960
        Gazebo
        Participant

        Sending hugs I’m useless at any advice as I’m still stuck i have been getting some advice this week but to be honest it’s making me feel more scared and guilty:-( x*x stay strong x*x

    • #133731
      Whyohwhy
      Participant

      I also lived with my ex for decades, which can make it harder to leave as we tend to build a facade of a normal couple and we don’t want to ruin that. For me my strength came when we had a daughter and I started thinking about what she was witnessing and I didn’t want her growing up to think his behaviour was ok or normal. It also made me pray that she would never find herself in a similar position. It made me start to realise if I wouldn’t want that life for her then I shouldn’t want it for me. So start looking at your life from a different perspective if you had a friend living your life what would you tell her? You don’t even need to accept that it’s an abusive relationship you are perfectly in your rights to end a relationship because of nastiness. For me it was the silliest of disagreements about shopping that made me go, it was the final straw. It’s only recently over a year after I left that I have finally (mostly!) realised it was an abusive relationship. No violence, but isolation, controlling, constantly monitoring my weight and stalking (still). Keep imagining what sort of life you would have if it was all your choice. I still have to see my ex, which is a pain but my life is my own now and I finally have friends and a social life for the first time since I was a teenager. Be strong and be safe.

      • #133959
        Gazebo
        Participant

        Can i ask how you left? How long did it take you. How did he react xx glad your doing OK now zx

    • #133961
      nbumblebee
      Participant

      Sorry ive only just seen tbis thank you for sharing. I wish with all my heart I could find a way out I do its just not got any better and I am a mess I really am. I just wouldnt know where to start where to go how to go what to say what to do and on and on my list of excuses go.
      I dont want to wake up anymore not with that feeling of dread wondering what mood he is in.
      Whats gonna tip him over today im tired of it all but I am not brave enough to leave.
      I am stupid i am weak as now I am wondering if the person who first helped me in this is also maybe a bit of a narc. He seems to pick me up and help me then ignore me when he wants too and im lwft seeing red flags there now but doubting my own mind yet again as i just dont trust myself i cant seem to trust anyone.
      Im going to sit and read all your replies again and really try and work out my next move.
      Thank you all means so much all this is so lonley isnt it? This forum makes it that little less lonley x*x

      • #133976
        Auriel
        Participant

        Nbumlebee your on an abuse forum for abused women past and present, so there must be some part of your being that knows this is abuse, you could be experiencing cognitive dissonance or even learned helplessness, your the only one trying to make it work, there are two of you in this and he’s making it impossible for you, the times he’s being nice are the times he’s gaining from the situation abusers are their true selves when they are abusing the kindness they show to they’re partners and the outside are manipulation tactics to make people think they are nice, kind, understanding people but they’re not, what he’s doing is using negative male retaining tactics just as my ex did and I adapted and got comfy with the misery for a while, you are being abused that doesn’t mean you deserve it or that your wrong or defective in some way it just means that someone has decided to treat you in ways they see fit, you don’t have to put up with it, we knew he was gonna cause problems when you started work, there are ways out, the forum is for people who are struggling with domestic abuse (which you are) so you don’t need to apologise, this forum is for you (and others obviously)💛🧡💛

    • #133991
      nbumblebee
      Participant

      Thanks @Auriel Your words hit home. You are right a d I know you are right my husband is nasty he is controlling and loves nothing more than grinding ne down day after day.
      (detail removed by Moderator) after i refused sex as I am having lroblems with my periods he said that he was going to give it until (detail removed by Moderator) then see how I am a d if its not changed he “is off to find a new challenge” when i asked him what he meant he just said things need to change. He keeps thretening to sell up move far away I believe this is beciase he is worried I have a job I could find friends that maybe I could talk too maybe hes worried what I may say? I never would tell anyone ever I just cant.
      Every day he moans and shouts and picks fault every day when i try and go to work he tries to stop me every day is a fight and it shouldnt be this is not how marriage is right? I know that.
      I do my counsellor tells me that after such an abusive past I wont accept its happeneing still now that I believe I deserve all i get and I guess I do. I have some serious work to do on myself then maybe I can look at how and if I want to get away from him.
      Your words were so true and I needed to hear them Thank you. Xxxxxxxx

      • #134121
        Auriel
        Participant

        They will never see or be able to properly empathise, he only sees your rejections as a being cruel to him and purposely rejecting and not the fact your having issues in that area (just as I did) shall we make a pact to both work or our self esteem? The only thing I can think of is to play them at their own game (which I did)but know the truth, know the facts and don’t get genuinely caught up. As the other members have said he’s clamping down on you (or trying to) because there’s a part of your life he can’t control (your work) and it’s making him bitter and twisted, if you feel like your on your own and uncared for, know that’s not true cos we do, take care, 💛💛💛

    • #134123
      nbumblebee
      Participant

      @auriel Thank you again. That sounds like a good plan working on our self esteme together I like that. Someone suggested that i wrote a positive list of things i like about myself hand on heart i couldnt do it and do you know what that really upset me. Hes/theyve made me feel that bad i couldnt do that one thing.
      I know only I can do this I know that I have to face up to what he is doing and who he is and then work out what the hell im gonna do about it because I cant just sit here and cry right?
      Sending you hugs and a big thank you xx

      • #134140
        Auriel
        Participant

        You welcome angel, at some point you will (I hope) be able to see all the good we do about you 💝🤗💝

    • #134146
      LozzyX
      Participant

      Bumblebee I am going through some awful self doubt, regret and a whole mix of emotions like what you have described in your posts here…this post has helped me so much through what has been a very dark night/early morning. So thank you. You are so strong and determined, and some times there are moments you are having to take things easier /slower …as part of your survival. Thank you again ,you will perhaps never have any idea just how much this post has helped me and I’m sure many others.

      • #134158
        nbumblebee
        Participant

        Ahhh wow i never expected to hear this Thank you so much for saying it.
        I hooe you arw feeling better sweetie stay strong x

    • #134148
      Lifebegins
      Participant

      Hi nbumblebee

      things I like about you are that you are caring, supportive and giving to others on this forum, despite your own troubles. Just to start your list off…..xx

      I felt like this too whilst I was in it and even for quite a while after I left but my list of my positives is quite big now!!! You will get there. One day at a time. You are here and you’re on the journey. That in itself is a massive step, even if you don’t realise it now xx

    • #134149
      Lifebegins
      Participant

      Hi nbumblebee

      things I like about you are that you are caring, supportive and giving to others on this forum, despite your own troubles. Just to start your list off…..xx

      I felt like this too whilst I was in it and even for quite a while after I left but my list of my positives is quite big now!!! You will get there. One day at a time. You are here and you’re on the journey. That in itself is a massive step, even if you don’t realise it now xx

    • #134163
      nbumblebee
      Participant

      @Lifebegins ahhh bless your heart thank you so much for such kind words made my day.
      I just love the fact that your list of positives is growing thats fantastic and something i will aim to have.
      I really do appreciate the kindness thank you xx

Viewing 19 reply threads
  • You must be logged in to reply to this topic.

© 2015 Women's Aid Federation of England – Women’s Aid is a company limited by guarantee registered in England No: 3171880.

Women’s Aid is a registered charity in England No. 1054154

Terms & conditionsPrivacy & cookie policySite mapProtect yourself onlineMedia │ Jobs

EXIT SITE

Log in with your credentials

or    

Forgot your details?

Create Account

Skip to content