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(Removed by moderator) years on and I have been called back to court after being assaulted again. (Removed by moderator). He’s applied to take them. I’m going to lose my babies.
I can’t live like this. I thought I was safe. Now he can do what he likes and I’m the one who gets into trouble.
I can’t cope with fighting anymore. -
No he cannot do what he likes. He is the one going to court for assaulting you. You are the victim. Have you spoken to the helpline. They can give you good contacts like rights for women. He’s doing the predictable abuser thing and trying to hurt you through the kids. Stay strong. It’s just another form of abuse. Did you have a restraing order in place? Do you now have good bail conditions against him? Be practical. Write down the things that you need to do. Free advice from a solicitor. Help from women’s aid and rights for women. A safety plan in place etc.
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Dear Weetabix,
He is a twisted abuser who is counting on you feeling this way. He thinks that by making you petrified and fearful, he can break you down and he can ‘win.’
He is hoping that you will lose so much faith in yourself, and believe that he is so much stronger, that you will be a quivering wreck and become a mess in front of those at court.
My ex was like this. He was doing things to try to drive me to madness when Cafcass were around, so that he could accuse me of EA. Luckily, someone pointed out what he was doing ( my brilliant DV worker) and I knew I had to fight against becoming the mess he wanted me to be.
Emotions are your enemy in this situation. Put your emotions on hold as much as you can in this situation. Please go all out to get all the advice and support you can- Women’s Aid, Family Lives, NSPCC- I rang them all. Their myriad bits of advice helped me to build up a strong moat and a fortress that he couldn’t pierce through. Because I felt strengthened by this help and support, I was able to live through the court experience and he wasn’t able to achieve all that he’d hoped in destroying me.
These abusers want us to believe that they are stronger than us. But it’s a lie. Under it all, they are weak cowards. They are terrified of the fa t that we might be stronger then them, so try to break us. But you are strong. You are stronger than him. Strong people don’t need to abuse,so you are by definition a stronger person than him.
Mental and emotional strength is needed here. Your children need you. Please tell yourself that you are strong. Follow the advice of the experts. Don’t get shaken by his lies : expect them. It’s who he is. Gather evidence that is concrete. In court, be a graceful swan, calm on the outside, paddling under the surface. Speak slowly and matter of factly. Off load to those you can trust- ladies here, DV support, trusted friends…
It’s an illusion that they are stronger than us.It’s what they want us to believe, but it’s not true.
You can do this. 💛
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I’ve rang all those people. The NSPCC called SS too as they were so concerned. He is using it all against me, saying I’m lying to every agency there is in desperation to get someone believe my lies which shows how abusive I am and how I’m a risk to the child.
I can’t do this!
I should be allowed to report and assault without fear of losing my babies. What is wrong with this system??
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Hi Weetabix,
Of course you should be able to report the abuse without fear of losing your children. Your feelings are completely understandable because this is the worst fear for mothers. I know it is easy for me to say and so hard to do, but please try not to believe that the worst will happen. You can get through this.
All that you can do is tell the truth and have faith that the truth will prevail. The abusive and threatening behaviour that you explain your ex is doing is a commonly used tactic by abusers, and often professionals do see through this.
It is good that you have spoken to all the helplines; could you ring them again and ask for a copy of your call record? You can use these to contribute to the evidence.
If you have ever spoken to your GP about the abuse you could ask them to write a letter to contribute to the evidence.If it has been a while since you called the 24 National Domestic Violence Helpline on 0808 2000 247, please consider calling again. You can talk through your current situation and your fears, it can really help. You could also try to get a one-to-one support worker from your local domestic abuse service.
Keep posting,
Lisa
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The important thing is to keep calm. Easier said than done, I know, but the court will be on the alert for you being emotionally unstable, due to his accusations.
You need, at the end of the day, to be in control of your emotions on the day. Have faith, and don’t let fear wreck this.
I was married to a truly evil n**********c psychopath. He is very clever, and believed he could take my kids, but he hasn’t been able to, because I was determined to play the game and not give anyone an ounce of ammunition.
You are clever enough to outwit them.
I believe in you.
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(Removed by moderator) But because they don’t believe me, they are treating it as if it didn’t happen, even though I still have some bruising and I am still in pain from my injuries. I even have victim support people involved from the police, the same police who have said it didn’t happen. It makes you feel like you are going mad.
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Weetabix, did you take photos of your injuries?
Have you been to A&E and do you have a medical report from the A&E doctor?
That counts at court.What does your local Women’s Aid say? Are you in close contact with them?
In court, force yourself to be calm. Listen very well to what you are asked. If you are not sure tell them to repeat the question!!!!
Even if they have to repeat it twice or three times, make sure you are fully aware of what you are asked. You can also repeat loud what they ask you if you want to ensure you really take in what they ask.
Your situation is very stressful and the brain does not work as it usually does when we are under enormous pressure. That’s why I tell you this.
Think carefully what you say.A good way of helping yourself to stay calm is to press the palms of your hands together whilst you speak.
Can you have legal aid? Find this out. If so, get a lawyer to help you at court.
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I have photos and medical records.
I don’t qualify for legal aid…he does, which makes me very angry. He even had it extended after the final hearing “just in case” and we are now just before when it would have ended if nothing else happened. Coincidence?!?
I can’t use my local women’s aid as I am also a professional and there are too many overlaps.
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The fact that he is taking you back to court just before his legal aid runs out is very telling. Make sure your solicitor knows this and makes the judge aware. It’s harrassment through the court and I think there is a law against that too. You can request he pays your costs too. You won’t get it all but talk to your solicitor about that too. Can you at least speak to your local WA. They will have more contacts and ideas for you. Even if you remain anonymous? The judge saw right through my abuser X
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Wow. That’s so like mine. Mirroring. You’re scared of him so now he’s scared of you. You’re the victim. Now he’s the victim. Why is he unemployed and getting legal aid when you’re working? Surely they can see it’s a ploy. How is he providing for his children! Is your solicitor any good? Rights for Women have experienced solicitors who deal with this day in and out? Try to contact them for advice.
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My ex tried that too. I was before him to request a video link and separate entrance in the family court. Had I been later he would have got it and I would have lost out.
It is all on a first come first serve basis in the family court.
They do not care whether the abuser has a conviction.
They judge people how they like them, how they find them sympathetic.
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