13th September 2021 at 6:27 pm #131423
Yep yet again its me.
(detail removed by Moderator) new job loved it was so happy but no good luck no you look nice from him. I cone home and he starts moaning picking fault telling me i cant work i cant do it. Hes now tajen to ignoring me i feel like c**p. I feel so bad so guilty he is so unhapoy and thats my fault i feel selfish for wanting this when it makes him so low.
I love what Im doing its so rewarding makes me feel good about myself for the first time in so so long but he just hates it and i hate coming home to nastyness and then silence.
I just dont know if I can do this, if im string enough to cope with his moods.
Why is this so hard?
13th September 2021 at 8:15 pm #131424BananaboatParticipant
It’s not YOUR fault he’s unhappy and it’s not your actions that make him low. Your actions make YOU happy and you proud, rightly so, massive well done (detail removed by Moderator). Don’t give the job up. Can you treat yourself to an early night or a bath for some space from him?
14th September 2021 at 8:49 am #131438
He stormed out i have no idea why so i had a bit of time to chill although my mind kept racing wondering why hes so nasty. Thank you for your words x
13th September 2021 at 10:00 pm #131426
It’s just another manipulation trick to keep you down and prevent you from doing what makes you happy.
13th September 2021 at 11:19 pm #131428Wants To HelpParticipant
It is not you that is making this man unhappy, he is making himself unhappy because he is not getting what he wants. It’s his choice whether to be happy or not, and if HE’S not happy, what’s stopping him from leaving? His behaviour is deliberate and orchestrated, he’s manipulating you to make you feel guilty, and it is clearly working… so remember everything you have read up on and learned, remember this is part of the cycle of abuse.
Why are you feeling selfish? Is he feeling guilty and selfish for making you unhappy? No? I thought not.
Let’s look at the positives here and what this job has brought to you and focus on those.
You’re loving it
You find it rewarding
You feel good about yourself
I bet you feel valued?
I bet your day feels happy when you are there?
Lots of reasons there to carry this on and have a work life that is for YOU.
What sort of man would NOT want his wife/partner to have this sort of job? Oh yes, an abusive man.
Put yourself first nbumblebee, not him. You are not responsible for his happiness.
Remember the quote – “We are not responsible for what breaks us, but we can be responsible for what puts us back together again.”
You’ve started this job, enjoy it and fly high 🙂 x
14th September 2021 at 8:47 am #131436
Thank you I often ask myself why hes like this why cant he just be happy for me i just dont understand how things have gotten this bad.
Im miserable utterly miserabke nothing I do seems to be right.
14th September 2021 at 6:09 am #131429
It’s not about the job. It’s about him controlling you and it doesn’t matter what you do he will use anything as an excuse to abuse x always moving the goal posts keeps you spinning
14th September 2021 at 8:48 am #131437
Yes I think im beginning to see that now. I dont work he moans i work he moans its all just so hard isnt it? I just dont know where to go from here. X
14th September 2021 at 9:12 am #131440EyesopeningParticipant
The job sounds great, keep focusing on you and your progress, on your happiness, on your future, on what makes YOU happy.
He is responsible for himself (Something that took me a long time to learn)
I think what helped me is starting to separate myself from my ex.
If he was in a bad mood, that’s wasn’t my problem and I was not going to let him get me down.
I deserved to be happy, so I was not going to let him take me down with him.
Any issues he has are his issues.
It’s really hard detaching, I think the more you learn about how these men work, the easier it gets, because you don’t fall for their games anymore. You stop reacting to them. You stop trying to figure out what you did/said. It’s ALL on them.
Keep working, keep feeling great about yourself. That’s all that matters. x*x
14th September 2021 at 9:58 am #131443SecretlifeParticipant
My husband hates me going to work. I do as many hours as I can just to get away from him. Work is my salvation, my sanctuary, and a place where I can truly feel and be myself. What Eyesopening says above about the more you learn about why and how they behave does make things easier. I’ve stopped playing his silly games now and although I do find things hard sometimes, I don’t show this anymore and as a result things are definitely easier. He knows he has to accept me working because it is NOT going to change.
Stick with the job, the pleasure you will get from going to work and getting out the house will be worth it, it really will xx 🤗
14th September 2021 at 11:05 am #131449
14th September 2021 at 11:25 am #131451
Thank you again everyone your responce as always holds me up. Ive tried to talk to him today to explain why I want to work he sees it as selfish self centered and that im putting everything else in danger his work our business etc. And hes right (detail removed by Moderator) I lost a big client. Husband says its cause im being selfish concentrating on myself and my new work. Maybe it was my fault some days im so stressed I can barely function. I just wish it would all just go away.
He cant see or understand how much I love it helping others makes me feel good why is that so hard to see? Im going to try and stand firm I am but I dont know for how long I can continue fighting. Sending you all hugs and thanks x
14th September 2021 at 3:48 pm #131455SecretlifeParticipant
Nbumblebee, having my job as saved my sanity. I honestly feel I might have had a breakdown otherwise. Indirectly, it has also given me inner strength to stand my ground with him. It’s so true what the ladies say above, don’t waste your energy trying to explain and reason with him, he will never see your point of view, understand your needs or appreciate your feelings. He will also never encourage or congratulate you on anything. I have found that accepting this and no longer wasting my energy on trying to explain things has helped me enormously. My happiness no longer depends on his happiness. Things are still tough at times, but, overall, I’m coping much better than I was before I joined this forum. Stay strong Nbumblebee, you can do this! Xx
15th September 2021 at 8:13 pm #131496
14th September 2021 at 7:41 pm #131458EggshellsParticipant
Are you paid to keep his clients? Do you have the rewards that come with that responsibility? The pay, the Freedom to make important decisions, the recognition?
If not, then you didn’t loose the client, that’s not your job!
Your job is one that you got all by yourself, it’s one you love, the one you should be focused on.
I’d be interested to know when his business suddenly became something that you were an equal partner in. My betting is never. He’s blaming you as part of his manipulation. He will blame you for everything that goes wrong; your new job is just a convenient peg to hang the blame on.
Stand strong on this my lovely. If he needs help with the business, he can advertise – like normal employers do. That’s what a normal person would have done in the first place.
You have every right to do your own thing, that’s normal!
15th September 2021 at 8:16 pm #131497
@eggsshells wow i had never thought about this. When we moved in together well actually when he oacked up my things and told me i was moving in with him skmehow i just took over his paperwork and ive been doing it ever since. I dont even enjoy it. (Detail removed by moderator) not his but still I never wanted a business.
I want and love this job so much I will do my best to hang onto it but hes making it so hard.
Thank you for opening my eyes further xx
17th September 2021 at 12:40 pm #131564
Nbumblebee, he probably sees your getting your pride and happiness and he’s obviously threatened by it because he’s losing control, we can’t understand sometimes how other people can’t see or feel the way we would about other people and just be happy for them but abusers can’t they just can’t, I had a job once in (detail removed by moderator) and my ex pestered me regularly, what I was wearing asking about my male coworkers + implications/innuendos and accusations till I just gave in and left 🙄 then my not being in work was wrong, I couldn’t win ( I wasn’t meant to win) it wasn’t the job I should have left it was him! , wish I had sooner but you live you learn part of life hun, keeps throwing lessons at us till we ‘get it’ and favour our best interests over someone who has none for us 🌺🐝💛
17th September 2021 at 4:05 pm #131572
Thank you. Ive had the most amazing week at work and have been offered more hours next month i feel really good at work. But wow when i get home that all goes as he is so so nasty worse than he has ever been. Im trying so hard not to let his behaviour ruin this for me but gosh its hard and so upsetting isnt it? I hate this fight i really do i just wish with all my heart he could just be happy for me. X
17th September 2021 at 4:30 pm #131573
Nbumblebee it’s just like he knows, you know and we know (the forum members) that this could be a new start for you, on the way to getting out of it getting a fresh start, choosing your life, your, self esteem + your future instead of being dragged down and getting caught up in guilt, manipulation and emotion contagion, his reactions should be identical to ours (and we don’t spend time with you or know you on a daily basis)as yours would be to us and it would be to him too ( if it was the way around pretty sure you would be really happy for him)healthy partners would be happy for eachother, you’ve had a lovely taste of the outside where your valued and liked for you where your worth has been recognised, it’s a choice only you can make if you want to take the road where your being emotionally flattened and guilted or thriving to be the person that you really are 💫🌸💫
17th September 2021 at 6:54 pm #131578
I know what i should do i know but its just so hard iys the nice times the times when hes loving and caring that i think no its me over thinking and i know deep down its all part of the cycle i know that tomorrow or the next day he will start again and i will feel like pants again but for some reason i keep hanging on to these good days i keep wishing and hoping he will see what he is doing is wrong and change I still with all my heart hope for that. I guess until I stop wishing and hoping that I will be stuck here fighting.
Thank you so much for your kind words xx
17th September 2021 at 8:05 pm #131582
He probably does know it’s wrong but he’s hoping you won’t have figured it out, it a cycle that’s not going to end, ending it for him will mean ending manipulation and it’s not something they do easily if at all, your not happy N🐝 and you’ve got a chance to be, it is really hard to get out of these things and the more down they keep you the harder it is to leave, but you could be a really big asset to people away from it, but I do know how hard it is + if I could have my time back I would, but I wouldn’t have learned then and I needed to learn for myself 💛🧡💛
18th September 2021 at 8:58 am #131596
Thank you. I know what I should do what I need to do but im just too scared too chicken to do it.
I cant ever see a way out so i try and see a way to live with it. Xx
18th September 2021 at 1:17 pm #131606
If you ever did nbumblebee, everyone one here and at women’s aid will give you all the advice+ support you’ll ever need, it’s just quite heartbreaking such a lovely feels that Can’t see a way out or that the person they are with is keeping them, anyone coercive controlling, blackmailing or threatening or belittling their partner to keep them with them isn’t a strong man it’s a very very weak one, also the mindset you have (I’m gonna mess things up) are the product and undermining of someone else, what they think + what they’d prefer you to think/ feel, i was told constantly you always have to spoil everything or you think your sooo special with such vitriol while in my good moods or through my achievements by my sibling growing up it let me to self sabotage/underachieve and unconsciously do just that! 😞 now I’m away from them for life I’m back in my own mindset and space and I can see what it was, bitter attempts at brainwashing, you can get out nbumblebee we are all living proof, still living with him is going to make it 1000,000 times more difficult, no one can/or should push you to leave until your ready and you know you’ve got a huge amount of support when and if that day ever comes 🍯🐝🌝
18th September 2021 at 1:34 pm #131607
Thank you so very much. I just dont feel like I deserve or need help I feel like Ive got to just cope. My life my mess. So much to get my messed up head around opening my eyes to all this has shaken me to the core and I just dont know how to feel how to respond or how to cope i guess.
The job I think is the breaking point for me his reaction so volatile and explosive shoke me.
Thanks again for all your advice it helps so much x
18th September 2021 at 2:21 pm #131609
Becoming aware of it is a horrible thing but it’s also good your seeing things for the way they are no one should have to just cope in these things and you’ve done nothing to be underserved of support, we’re all a collective of the same thing, I never see abuse victims/survivors as just a one ( even though the actions/words of their abuse may differ) people aren’t born thinking they deserve terrible treatments or don’t deserve better or that they can’t do this/that, that’s a learned process off someone else, we’ve got your back anyway x x x
19th September 2021 at 8:23 am #131626
19th September 2021 at 8:09 pm #131654
😢 🤗 🤗 💋 💗 💞 💗
17th September 2021 at 8:15 pm #131584Wants To HelpParticipant
I read something the other day that says we often stay stuck in a situation because we wish for a better past and hope for a better future. Wishing for a better past is futile, and hoping for a better future is never going to happen unless you put your ‘hope’ in to an action. x
18th September 2021 at 8:59 am #131597
Thank you. Stupid arent I for hoping and wishing. I just cant see a way out so hoping he will chamge is all ive got. X*x
18th September 2021 at 10:27 am #131602EggshellsParticipant
You’re not stupid for hoping and wishing at all. Many of us have been there.
My guess is that you’ve invested many, many years in trying to make this relationship work and you feel as though you have seen glimpses of progress. It’s those glimpses that give you hope that you will one day be that happy and devoted couple who have been through the mill together and come out the other side totally devoted, with a deep understanding of eachother.
Forgive me if I’ve jumped to incorrect conclusions; I’ve based that purely on the future I used to hope for.
It didn’t matter how many people told me that wouldn’t happen; I needed to see it for myself to believe it.
It may be a slow dawning on you or it might come suddenly to you after a specific event. Until that happens, please be kind to yourself. Please don’t call yourself stupid or chicken. You are quite the opposite. You are intelligent and courageous to face up to your current reality in the way that you are doing now.
We will keep telling you that the “Happily ever after” will never happen and at some level, you are processing that. You are processing it in a way and a time frame that feels safe for you. This is a journey and you take it at your own pace.
Along that journey, please be kind to yourself. Dump the negative narrative about yourself and replace it with affirmations. (There’s a thread on the forum about this).
I see a strong and successful lady who has started working despite the obstacles. I see a courageous lady who is facing up to the scarey reality of her relationship with her partner. I see a hopeful lady who really wants to make that relationship better and I see a determined lady who is continuing along the road of discovery, even though she doesn’t like what she is finding.
Just an amazing lady all around really. Look closely, you might see it too. xx
18th September 2021 at 4:06 pm #131611roadtohealingParticipant
I’m sorry to hear about your experiences, I can really relate to the horrid ‘silent treatment’. My husband too has been doing the same to me for many years and while I’ve always hoped things would have gotten better, in actual fact they have got worse over time.. I often find myself walking on egg shells around Him, always tense that I will say or do something that will trigger him off, and no matter what I do, or even don’t do there always will be an outburst in the end. I know it’s all part of His control tactics, it’s to keep my feeling uneasy and off balance, a horrible cruel tactic but unfortunately it works, because I am no longer me anymore, He has taken away my confidence, my self belief, my hopes for the future and so much more. I am His puppet, and He is my Puppet Master..
Over the years I’ve developed my own ways of coping, and recently joining this group has enabled me to read about other woman’s stories and know that I’m not alone, and certainly not to blame for His actions, it’s helped me realise that I am not making things up in my head as He often tells me. I hope that by you too sharing you thoughts and feeling here, that you will also get the support you need, because none of us deserve to be treated like this.
I hope you will find the strength to do whatever you feel is right for your future well being and happiness. Suggesting that someone should simply just end their relationship is not that straight forward, I know this from my own experience. So stay strong, and keep well, I wish I could say something to make things better for you, but unfortunately I am unable to for both myself or anyone else.
Keep posting and stay safe.
18th September 2021 at 7:31 pm #131613
19th September 2021 at 8:57 am #131627
Be careful using grey rock while still with an abuser. It could very well antagonise him further. It’s a great method when you don’t need to be near him or have contact with him, you’re basically ignoring him and not giving him a response to fuel his fire, but living together he may well resort to violence to get your attention x
19th September 2021 at 4:04 pm #131642
19th September 2021 at 10:39 am #131630WaterspriteParticipant
Hello nbumblebee –
Re grey rock – this is certainly something I couldn’t have done when I lived with my husband it would have been too dangerous. Maybe just try and let his words and BS flow over you like water over a rock and not allow it to work it’s way into you. But true grey rock is only something I have done since I left.
You are on a journey and you are making enormous strides please don’t underestimate how far you are travelling so proud of you for getting a job. As control slips he will react when I got a job kids and I had to flee for our lives.
The confusion you describe so many of us can relate to try and think about how the loveliest man you knows treats his partner how he speaks to her RESPECTS her VALUES her… start looking at it with those eyes and believe what your gut is screaming to you. But just like water you will find your way like so many of us have please don’t pressurise yourself too much you already have wayyyy too much of that from him. Xx
19th September 2021 at 4:06 pm #131643
14th September 2021 at 11:25 am #131450HawthornParticipant
Stay strong Nbumblebee but please try to hold onto your strength for yourself, don’t waste hit trying to reason with him. You can’t reason someone out of a position they haven’t reasoned themselves into and he is incredibly unreasonable. You can’t win an argument with an abuser, they will simply grind you down, so your only option is to stop engaging with it and go grey rock as much as it is safe for you to do so. He will never see it from your position no matter how much you go round in circles explaining because he doesn’t want to understand. Abusers project what their behaviours onto us- the only person being selfish and self-centered here is him. He doesn’t care about all the good things this job means for you, he only cares about himself and that you do what you’re told. You are an adult and have the right to make choices for yourself.
Stay strong and maybe try reading up about grey rock. This is hard but you are strong xx
15th September 2021 at 8:18 pm #131498
Thank you. I did take a look at grey rock im not sure how that will go down with him but yeah maybe i should give it a try cant make things any worse right now 🙄
Thank you xxxxx
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