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Where do I start. I feel like I have brought this on myself as all the signs where there before we got married, and I’m not even sure if its abuse as i know I’m not the easiest person to live with either and he constantly tell me that, it’s me that made him get so angry. It no question that I love him and things are great most of the time but it’s the arguing that’s getting out if hand. He has pushed and called me awful things before but I know because of his temper he just lashes out and at the time he is just saying the most awful things. I know that if we didn’t have two beautiful children I would probably have gone by now. Last night we started with a stupid argument that I even regret fighting over but it built and built until he exploded into another one of his rages where he had his hand cocked back to threaten to hit me. He was pulling me to get out of the house and there was no way I was leaving without my kids. In the end I was terrified I was losing everything. All this was being witnessed in front of my two toddlers. Now that things have calmed down. I’m thinking is it me. Do I push things too far, why do I argue with him when I know he has anger issue. My father was the same with me so I’m more convinced than ever it me and not them. Am I being silly or should I seek help before I completely ruin everything….
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Please seek help – and it’s not you ruining anything. If you had a daughter this this kind of relationship what would you say? Someone asked me this question and it made me feel sick, but it made me (start to) see things differently. I’m not quite there yet, takes some time, and it’s easier for people outside to have a strong opinion. But please, this is not you.
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It’s because you have two beautiful children that you need to leave. This kind of abuse is child abuse and it can damage them for life, also making them feel this is normal behaviour. Talk to your local women’s aid about a safe exit plan. You have minimised his behaviour as a way to cope. No amount of loving this man will prevent the abuse or the terrible toll on your children. Google trauma bonding. It’s much more likely than love and much more powerful. You should seek help to escape from this abusive relationship. Read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven and keep reaching out. I bet he can control himself when there are witnesses or around other people. He chooses to abuse you. He enjoys seeing you broken. Is how he makes himself feel big. Abuse always gets worse and when you try to appease him he simply changes the goal posts leaving you spinning again. He is an abuser.
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Having a temper isn’t an excuse or a justification for abusive behaviour. An adult is responsible for their behaviour, and an adult with a temper needs to learn to control it and not take it out on others. He’s an adult so he should be doing just that. Seek help. People who don’t want to take responsibility for their own behaviour and their own situation are very keen to push that on others I think, and I wonder if that was the same with your dad, it certainly looks like that’s what’s happening with your partner. You don’t have to live like this, you don’t deserve it and it’s not your fault.
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