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I left him & his controlling ways behind a few years ago now, & the new contact I put in place on advice from my solicitor has been running for a few months….not entirely without him showing his usual ways but I’m just about managing it, standing my ground. My visit to a local womens centre brought some of the confirmation (along with the advice from tjis site) that he is a (removed by moderator) emotional abuser. It’s a hard lesson to learn that you’ve been subjected to such underhand & sneaky tactics.
My achilles heel is Christmas. I haven’t truly enjoyed one because he seems intent on making it as awkward as possible. Making me feel grateful because he allowed me to have our DD for a whole christmas a couple years back, & because of that he wouldn’t give her back at the time we’d agreed this past year. The stress I feel has been awful, trying to make it so it’s split as equally as possible so he doesn’t kick off or play his underhand mind games….making it out that I’m to blame….that this is all my doing. So this year, on advice of my solicitor I’m doing alternate. I can’t carry on putting myself through it & he’s not capable of being reasonable…I’m missing out on enjoying such a precious time with DD. I guess I’m just looking for words of kindness & encouragement, some help to make me feel brave because I know he wont like it one bit. I’ll be the awful evil one and he’ll be the victim….I’m just so tired of feeling this way.
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Make your own Xmas with her. Maybe the day before she goes to her fathers. Get a solid court order in place for access so if he deviates you can ring the police. It’s quite a while away. Try not to dwell on it. Pick your day. Say 20th Dec. That’s your Xmas day with her and family x take back control and keep contact with him to a minimum x hang in there.
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I will do my very best to take that control & learn….finally after being told by both my solicitor and womens centre that I have a right to say no. I can say no. I am allowed to say no. I always felt I had to please him first and me last. I’d be in tears at the thought of approaching him how to split it. I’d always be asking his permission. This year DD will be with me this Christmas & he can have her for New Year…next year I accept it will be vica versa. He wont like it however because he absolutely hates not being in control. He hates the thought of me saying no. He hates the idea that he may have to follow my lead. How do I not take on board all the guilt trips, verbal and such like, on board? How do I not listen to him & the abuse I’ll know will be coming my way? I even missed out on mothers day this year because it fell on his weekend and I was too afraid to ask him to swap.
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I get this.
One way round it is to return to the true meaning and spirit of Christmas.Child and I since primary school give ourselves permission to celebrate in small ways at the start of advent 1st December, taking the focus off one particular day seems to help. There are so many people out there who find the actual day stressful.
Maybe that is one way forward.
We too do alternate for contact arrangments. Sometimes I feel ambivalent about the contact order (Detail removed by moderator), years ago, I experienced couples arguing about Christmas a few days before, and realised that we had chosen the best/least worst option.
Also although it is hard, if you make plans for yourself and your children are not with you, it helps.
(spa weekend?) visiting friends (?) creating a new thread here re Christmas for solidarity?
Even helping out with a homeless initiative or a women’s refuge may be the thing (?)
all best
ftc
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You do not have to see him or hear from him. You can block him on everything and ask a friend or relative to act as a go between using texts. If access is sorted then there needs to be no communication. A contact book can go with the child for anything important that needs to be communicated. I know it’s hard and brings a different kind of anxiety but zero contact is how to handle an abuser. Give him nothing to fuel his fire. Zero tolerance. You are no longer his verbal or physical punch bag. No more fear Obligation or guilt.
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Abusers, especially seek to use the holidays for their enjoyment and control tactics as it is an enhanced time to play upon their victim’s emotions thereby getting a bigger power kick for the abuser.
You should be able to specifically set up instructions for the holidays in your legal work. People that work in legal and understand his control and the difficulties with him due to it, can assist in getting it accomplished. A mediator may serve as well to thwart his control.
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