I can’t face reading my old posts on the forum

[gettingtired]

It’s occured to me that I actively avoid reading my old posts I’ve written on the forum. Especially the ones where I know I’ve posted because of a bad episode of abuse from him. It’s like I’m trying to separate myself from those episodes. I’m the same with any videos I’ve got on my phone where I’ve managed to secretly film/record him, any really nasty texts from him or old emails I’ve sent to myself documenting bad episodes. I just don’t want to see or read them.

Is this because I’m preferring to stay in denial and not be reminded of his nasty, bullying, abusive behaviour?
Despite knowing he’ll never change I still find myself tip toeing around him and people pleasing to avoid a bad episode. It’s like I just want to stay in his good books for an easier life. The problem is on the flip side I feel like I need him to prove his nasty side again to give me an excuse to leave. And so the vicious cycle I’m stuck in just continues..

[Twisted Sister]

Hi… I think this is trauma speaking, that you can’t face what he’s been doing. It is difficult to see any repeat of what you’ve already suffered. Look after yourself and your needs xx

TS

[nbumblebee]

Its because deep down you dont want to see.
You know what he does you are a very clued up young lady you really are but facing this is a totally different matter. Its like if you read those posts you have to accept what he does for real. Right now you know but you can almost pretend almost deny all the time.
When things arw good here i read my old posts to remind myself not to get sucked back in. Does it work? Nope but i am hoping one day it will.
Its why i struggle with the A woed its like if i say it I have got to admit it, if I admit it then surwly I must act upon it stop it im willing to bet you are the same? Its that acceptance we cant accept it we see but we dont wanna see.
Theres no rush no right or wrong you do what you can in your own time when you can.
Its all about you sweetie dont put pressure on yourself it will happen but only when you are ready xxxxx

[IAmGoodEnough]

I totally get this! The worst of his behaviour happened a while ago and I am always torn between wanting to remember how bad it was, wanting him to repeat it so I can feel vindicated but also not wanting to put myself through the pain of looking at all the evidence of what a monster he can be.

Like nbumblebee I struggle with the A word and questioning why I am still here if that word is true.

It’s just another symptom of the gaslighting and FOG.

Much love

[Author]

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