I can't get my head around it all.

[Hellothere]

I’ve been going through this a long time. My partner being beyond vile towards me, I say I want to leave, then he’s nice. I’m worn down, I don’t know my own mind anymore, some days I seem to wonder if I’m imagining things or if it is even really that bad.

Ive been to a domestic violence service this week, which I still can’t get my head around I feel guilty that I’m putting a tag on him that he’s abusive, although everyone says he is; I’m in denial slightly still. Maybe I’ve triggered him off to call me things like a r****d? To tell me he won’t give me any sympathy when I’m crying telling him he gives me nothing at all not an ounce. Maybe I shouldn’t have turned the bedroom light on one to many times then he wouldn’t of threw the washing basket at me, maybe if I could just be less depressed maybe our Realtionship would be normal?

The thing I’m struggling with us, surely every couple argues at times and is name calling really abuse? And throwing a washing basket at me and diggin his fists in to my thighs and punching me in the thighs when I’ve nearly poked him in the eye or I’ve annoyed him that bad? Is it abuse? I mean the names really hurt some days when he calls me things like a r****d and I ask him why, and he tells me ‘because you are a f*****g r****d’. He’s threatened to hit me if I don’t stop or I annoy him twice now and has also once told me he’s going to smash the house if I don’t stop.

Last week he left for a few days and came back as I said I had enough of his behaviour, he told me he felt horrible because I wanted to leave and that he wanted to kill himself and I didn’t care. He then went to bed and woke up the next day being overly kind and has carried on to be that way.

I don’t get it some days he can be vile then others so loving and nice and it confuses me, maybe it is me, maybe I set him off when he’s tired.

Is this abuse am I being over reactive like he says or as he says I’m a princess when I tell him I don’t like it. I want to leave but I feel guilty, I feel bad that he’ll cry etc and I’m scared I’ll regret it.

[Hellothere]

Another thing is why do I feel guilty for leaving?

[Racoon]

He is forcing you to feel guilty about leaving in order to maintain control of you. He has spent considerable time and effort manipulating you into fulfilling his needs he needs to ensure that guilt kicks in and prevents you from walking away. If guilt fails another tactic is fear. If he suspects he may be loosing control through guilt he may become more physical.

[Racoon]

There is a book by Lundy Bancroft. Why does he do that? If you are able to read it safely somehow by leaving a copy with a friend of family member or workplace. This book changed my life and helped me unravel the confusion around my abusive relationship. It helped me to see the guilt as a manipulation tactic more clearly than someone just telling me and prevented me from returning to the relationship.

The Mr nice guy tactic is a key part of the cycle of abuse cause without it you’d be long gone as there was no glimmer of hope.

[EeyoreNoMore]

Hi and welcome, you are safe here.

Do you know how to use private browsing on your phone or PC? Google “lovebombing” and “gas lighting”. They are both tactics that abusers use to keep us under their control.

I’m recently out of my relationship but while I was in it I always knew it was not quite right. Like feeling poorly but not really being able to describe the symptoms very well.

Once out, I read the Lundy Bancroft book and life became clearer. My symptoms actually had names and my disease was that of being abused. Just like you are.

Read and read and read. Arm yourself with knowledge. We are all here for you xx

[Falling Skys]

Hi and hugs

Thank you for posting. We are kept on hyper alert. All this was beyond your control. What ever you did or do will be twisted and used against you. That the way of the abuser.

Have you contacted woman aid it’s worth it. I contacted my local one. There was a number in my doctors surgery. They are a great support and will help you with any session you want to make.

Also keep posting here. The ladies are a great font of knowledge.

FS xx

[Robin]

Hello There, I have a similar situation to you. Shouting, swearing, calling me the c word. It’s just horrible and makes you feel constantly on edge.

Like you, i wondered for ages if I was being oversensitive but we’re not – the issue is with them and their own self esteem.

I’d really recommend a website (detail removed by Moderator) – I bet you’ll be familiar with a at least one of the descriptions used to describe abusers – reading it will make you feel sane!!

Please also talk to a counsellor, women’s aid would probably be best as they will be more familiar with your situation.

Good luck and please, put yourself and your life (and any kids) first.

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