I can't imagine being without him

[Stargirl]

Hi,

So I posted before trying to work out if the situation I’m in counts as abuse. I’ve read a lot and I’m pretty sure that the ‘crazy making and blocking’ amount to verbal abuse. How serious is this? Is it as bad as physical abuse in the eyes of the law and society. I know deep down I need to get out of this. I’ve lost all sense of myself but, through his actions and behaviour, I’m now totally isolated from all friends and family. They’ve effectively washed their hands of the situation as I haven’t followed their advice. I’m terrified of being alone in a city I can’t stand (only here for work reasons and stuck until at least (detail removed by Moderator)). I feel too vulnerable to be alone so I turn to the one person that makes me more vulnerable. I don’t know what to do or how to reconnect with people again x

[Confused123]

Hi hun

welcome to the forum and welldone for posting, these abusers do leve us feeling confused and unable to think, and if his got u isolated liek my ex did, well u just have no energy to even know where to begin , i know no body knows u cause they all cut u off but u can still do this , once u get away from these abusers, u get a inner strength to cope with everythign cause they not draining us, when i left my ex i lived in the same town for (detail removed by Moderator) with only him and his family , i had no friends as he never allowed and allmy family were too far and had just thought she willnever leave, i would say call the help line and speak to a supoort worker who can guide u. I was so confused when i had to leave, my ex was saying im gonna kill u and i was still taking things slowly unable to move , just taking the beatings, i was just drained out. Speaking to a support worker in a agreed location was a blessing , i realized there is hope, its not too late as they had led me to beleive, i jusst sat there and cried openly and said i just cant take that last step out of the door, my support worker just repeated he is going to kill u, he has tried already, is saying will kill u so what are u waiting for . I willnever forgot those lines , i still said i dont know , i cried cause i couldnt take that final step. But hear i am (detail removed by Moderator) months on, so much stronger, i relocated after (detail removed by Moderator) back to my family and am resettling the kids, the whole (detail removed by Moderator) months have been a rollcoaster of emotions and struggles but u know what ladies on here became my friends and new family and gave me so much support, they kep t me hanging in there and we will do same for u too, we are all victims of abuse, we understand in a away people who have nt experiencedd abuse dont get it. so first step is make that call to womens aid, no is on top , get in touch with d v agencies and get the help , with support from professionals who deal with this have so much value and really will support u

[Stargirl]

Hi, thanks so much for your reply. It is so hard and so confusing to be so full of hate and anger but also still feeling like I care about him. Your situation now seems really positive and I don’t know how you’ve been so strong. He has previously put his hands around my throat saying ‘shut up or I’ll shut you up’ and he cheats and lies all the time (but obviously it’s my fault because I push him away and am ‘too clingy’) All of his friends think he’s great though and think I’m so lucky x

[Healthyarchive]

Hi Stargirl, if he puts his hands around your throat and threatens you that is definately physical abuse. If he lies and cheats that is emotional abuse. I know, when you are in the thick of it, due to gas lighting and coercive control it is difficult to know what Is real. Blame is also a common factor.

[Confused123]

hey hun

yeah i can relate to what u saying , i too was so annoyed with my partner for destroying our marriage and family unit, for bloomin toxication, but this is where our value for ourselves come in, my ex used to choke me and i was so much in denial i just used to say to myself well stil alive so keep just getting through it, sound smad now wheni read it, if your ex is strangling u , what value and respect is he showing u ? this is why we have to stay away. you loved him for the fake him he presented, u never knew this side to him, this is what throws us off guard, the shock how different they are , how unkind htey can be, for me i had a strong hope he would change, i could change him, i just had to preserve but all they do is think oh if she took that i’ll hurt her more. what itis we loved about them so much i cant work out and tahts where the confusion come sin we lvoed them so much and they hurt us so muchin return, part of this is realizing a person is toxic for us and removing ourselved from them, i didnt think a person could be class as a drug or as toxic till i left my ex, working with professsional agencies helps, do cousnselling if u not, do the freedom course

[missiepie]

Hi Hun,

My ex used to put his hands over my mouth, then he used to pin me down and press so hard on my face I couldn’t breathe, then hemoved to strangling me and standing over me asking me to “breathe out and die”!!

as time went on it got worse and worse. At the time I used to just get on and act like it never happened because he would refuse to acknowledge it….but it doing so he just got worse because he realised he could do what he liked. There were no consequences for him. It got to the point that I wished he would just go that step to far…so it couldnt be hidden and he would have to acknowledge it. That someone would step in and just help us. I felt so confused by it all….like you I just wanted him to hug me after it all!

Its hard talking to friends. Mine would just say…why are you even with him! No one could understand that its a mental mindfield….and I felt trapped and alone in it all. So how you feel is totally normal.

Can you give yourself some space from him….just for a while to get your head in a good place and to explain to him that things cant go on the way they are?
x

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