I cant keep going

[nbumblebee]

I am currently sitting in my car sobbing.
Ive left my older kids at home with ny teen and him. He is trying to do some work on the house and its not going well and its my fault the temper the nasty cimments are coming and i cant cope so I have driven off what a mum I am to leave the kids with him but i know he wont direct his anger at them at all but me im an easy target. Ive been able to admit now hes a narc i see that so clearly now and im woeking towards a plan but days like today i feel so alone so scared so low i dont think i can carry on anymore. His temper is horrific and its always my fault. He choose to do this job today of all days its our (detail removed by Moderator) and we have family roumd later my guess is he wants to show off his big beautiful house so he couldnt wait but now its gone wrong and it looks like the whole day will be ruined again.
Im so done with this life I am trying so hard to find myself find strength and courage i take one step up then he hits me back down. I know i cant stay sitting here for long and it fills me with utter dread to go home thats sad isnt it your home should be a safe space. Im just so done.
I just needed to talk it out to know someones there that im not alone. Thanks yet again ladies xxxx

[Lifebegins]

Hi nbumblebee. I’ve pm’d u xx

[nbumblebee]

Thank you x

[Wants To Help]

Me too x

[nbumblebee]

Thank you so much xxxx

[Eyesopening]

Hope your ok, you’ll look back at this one day and see how far you have come.
You can do it x*x

[nbumblebee]

Thank you so much xxxxxx

[Kitkat44]

Just wanted to send you a huge hug. I’ve been where you are, just had to get away from the house and not feeling like I can go on.
We’re all here and we have your back
xx💕xx

[Bananaboat]

I hope you’re ok and the party went alright. Mine ruins every special occasion too, so don’t assume your son didn’t feel it. As others have said it’s ok to get away and give yourself some space, we’re not supposed to be treated like this no matter how badly they’ve convinced us we are xx

[nbumblebee]

Thank You for your kind words I hope you are ok too. X

[nbumblebee]

Thanks @kitkat44 I need that hug.
Was so hard to go home and pretend and keep smiling for the kids is just so hard.
It hasnt gotten any better today sadly but Thank you all so much for all your support. Xxxx

[Scared and sad]

Hi nbumblebee, been thinking about you. I hope tomorrow brings you a better day xx

[Darknessallaround]

Hope you’re ok nbumblebee.
I can remember sitting in the car late at night, crying my eyes out, just dreading the thought of going home. It’s not a nice feeling.
((hugs))

[nbumblebee]

Thank you. Hugs back at ya x

[nbumblebee]

Thank you everyone for your nessages.
It didnt get better. I pretended all was ok (detail removed by Moderator) for the party then (detail removed by Moderator) he started again shouting moaning he has this idea that he wants to sell up move out move away Im sure its because he sees me starting to grab some sort of life anyway he starts shouting etc and the look on his face is unbelieveable i thought if he had the chance he would definatly hurt me i know that he would it was a horrible thought. I sat in the batjroom whilst he shouted and as a self harmer i sadly did hurt myself not badly but one thing i took from the weekend was that when i hurt myself i always believed i was angry at myself for allowing him to treat ne this way for bwing weak but yesterday i was angry at him. Amgry for being this way angry that he choose to take it out on me angry as i finally admitted to myselfthat he is a narc. Im not ready to say the abuse word but I do see now he is a narc and nothing i do will ever change that. After he clamed down he acted like nothing had hapoened was all loving needy and i sat there wuth a sore aem scared and alone. He doesnt care he really doesnt. I thank all of you so much for being there for me s(detail removed by Moderator) I felt so alone and having your nessages meant the world. I exhausted and am just hoping for a better week ahead. Stay safe everyone. Lots love x

[Eyesopening]

Looking back, it’s like we are just a shadow when we are with them. They do not see us a human beings.
Your message reminded me of that feeling..
Your being strong and fighting back by just being here and reaching out to everyone here.
Keep analyzing, reflecting, you on the right path, knowledge is power, the more you understand and the more you are open about it to yourself, the better you can move forward.
x*x

[nbumblebee]

Thanks so much I am trying but some days there just doesnt seem like an end does there?
I dont wanna be like this forever I really dont.

[Eyesopening]

Which means you wont be like this forever.
You know when i was with my ex, i felt like time went so so slowly. Months felt like years. Everyone around me would say the opposite.
I think when we are in this situation its like we are in an alternate universe to everyone else, our world slows down and it feels like life is such a struggle so it doesn’t fly by at all.
I am sometimes shocked at how at this time last year i was still not sure if it was abuse, then months later i left? Time has no real relevance, its how we are spending that time and the more miserable we are the slower it seems to go.
That may be completely just me though!
But what I mean to say is, everyone who left felt like you did at one point.
X*x

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