I can’t make it stop

[ddia]

I have been no contact now for a while. I’m doing everything that is recommended; I’m eating well, am getting lots of exercise, am talking to a counsellor. I’ve got a great circle of friends and I have lots of really exciting things in the diary to look forward to. I can have moments where I feel light, as if the weight has been lifted, and then all of a sudden it comes crashing down really heavy. I can’t stop thinking over things he said, and feeling like everything he said was right, and I only have myself to blame for being so difficult and unlovable. As others have said on here, its like a massive wave hits me and I am knocked off my feet and floundering about, and right now I feel like I’m sinking.

Its when I’m home alone that these thoughts creep in, and this weekend has been hard with the bank holidays and what feels like too much time on my own. My mood feels wildly out on control, one minute I’m so angry at him everything he did, the next I miss him so much I want to give up everything else just to be with him, and then the next day I can be totally clear that it was an emotionally abusive relationship and I look forwards into the light rather than back at the darkness.

I dream about him 2 or 3 nights a week, he’s being abusive and I wake up feeling sick and scared. Its just so exhausting, but I don’t know what else to do.

I don’t know if there any any answers to this. We have no ties so no need to be in contact, so why can’t I move on?

[KIP.]

You can move on from him very quickly but the trauma is what will take time to recover from. All those intrusive thoughts are your brains way of trying to process and understand the abuse. It is exhausting but try not to fight it. Accept the thoughts, process them and let them go if you can. I used to say to myself, thank you for bringing this to my attention I will think about it later. Then when later came I’d forgotten. I also used to ping myself with an elastic band when my thoughts kept jumping to an incident. What you’re doing and going through is perfectly normal in recovery. It’s healthy to process all these things that you couldn’t process at the time. Keeping a journal,also helped me.

[Twisted Sister]

Hi ddia

I feel for you, and recognise the place you are in. Its all normal, and no matter how many great things you have going on, you will need the time to go through the post-trauma process. It is like an atlantic wave taking your feet from under you and rolling you over and over. It is completely normal. Do everything you can to make yourself feel safe and comforted during these times. When the thoughts start to circle be reminded of a soothing piece of music, or a comforting place to be (it could be a soak in a bubbly bath, etc). It takes a lot of being patient with yourself, and very kindly and comforting in any way you can.

Its good that you have breaks away from it, with supportive friends and that you are keeping no contact, as that would make things worse; this way you have time to let your mind, body and soul heal. There will be lots of ways that you could find helpful. Keeping a small light on when you wake from a nightmare, or some soothing gentle music or other sounds. Have a think about those things that would support you and help you to feel comforted.

warmest wishes

ts

[Anonymous]

What your experiencing is completely normal ddia for someone who’s been traumatised after abuse, he’s brainwashed you and probably tried his best to put you down as far as he could and put full focus on your insecurities (it’s what they do) these are very sick minded individuals, your minds trying to process everything you’ve experienced and it’s horrible, we think about people we want wiped from our minds, we want the fear feelings and the nightmares to just stop, but they just keep coming back, a lot of us on here have post traumatic stress disorder (I have too, mine was easing but memories started again this morning???) you’ve been traumatised, it gets easier but I’m not sure if it ever goes completely
🐇🐥🐑

[searchingforhope]

I totally get what you mean. God I wish I could be no contact, but kids stop that. I’m newly separated but its gotten harder as he is relentlessly tormenting me. I’m at a stage where I could crumble thinking it might be easier. It’s so so hard.

You sound like you have done so well to get this far. The others are right. The waves will come and go. You’ll be having a good day and something could hit you like a train to set you back again. But go easy on yourself. You will get there I’m sure. Baby steps, you’re doing it x*x

[Shazza]

Just wanted to reach out and show you some support. Your post really resonated with me.
I dont have alot of advice to offer as i am also trying to navigate similar feelings. But it sounds like you are doing all the right things. Hold on to those moments when you realise how bad it was- that is what i am trying to do at the moment to stop myself going back.
You have got this far and you can most definitely keep on going. You’ve got this xx

[ddia]

Thank you Shazza. Its so helpful to know that other people get it, I’m sorry that you are feeling this way too. Its so hard to pull out of those negative thoughts, and I am so tired of thinking about him so much. He’ll be telling his next plaything how wonderful she is while I’m floundering around trying to make sense of what on earth has just happened to me. You’re right – remembering those rock bottom times is helpful.

We have to keep going. Going backwards is not an option, so it has to be forwards. I hope that you find some peace and strength to keep going too xx

[Author]

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