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I don’t even know what I need from making this post. My partner moved in with me and my children just before the lockdown. But since the lockdown life is unbearable. I’m sure other women cope with worse though 🙁
He’d shown a few red flags early on but they seemed to be kept at bay. But now, he gets angry every day, accuses me of cheating despite me going nowhere without him or the children (and it’s a lockdown!), humiliates me for decisions I made in my previous marriage, he punches the walls and head butts the door frames and called me a lying w***e in front of my teenage daughter then drove really recklessly to scare us.
Last week I felt strong and got his stuff and told him to leave, but he broke down and said I deserve better and he’ll try to stop that behaviour etc. But then each day something else happens. We spoke (detail removed by moderator) and I said I’m scared to wear makeup, communicate with anyone, or even play (detail removed by moderator) online because he can see I’m online and questions it. He’d previously said he’d put people in hospital if I left, but last night he said he didn’t mean that he was just angry. He said again he’ll stop so he’s still here and I haven’t left the relationship.
Why am I giving in every time? I know I should make him leave but I’m a bit scared and I feel pathetic for not making the call 😔
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Abusers are extremely manipulative. He’s using your good nature against you. fear Obligation and Guilt. The FOG of abuse. If you can’t get him out for you then get him out for your child. Witnessing abuse like this can scar children for life. It’s also child abuse. These men don’t change as he has proven and abuse very often escalates after a commitment like moving in together, marriage or children. He sees you in a vulnerable position and he’s going to make the most of that. You are not responsible for him. Ring the national domestic abuse helpline or your local women’s aid. He’s behaviour is escalating and it’s nothing you’re doing. It’s simply who he is. A nasty manipulative abuser. His threats should be taken very seriously. This is the most dangerous time for a woman while ending things. I’d ask the police to remove him and change the locks. I fear there is worse to come for you.
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Head and heart in conflict isn’t it; you don’t want to see him go but know this is what you need to do, so put off the inevitible. He manipulates your feelings as well of course, pleads to your kindness and understanding self.
It’s really already gone past the point of no return; it’s concerning he has called you this in front of your daughter – she needs to see you throw him out now so she doesn’t learn this behaviour is ok – so she sees this is never acceptable in any situation.
You also need to feel free to be you don’t you, and be with those who love every part of you x
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Oh dear, one thing’s fir sure, he’s showing you what life is like with him very quickly. Promising to change is just words, you have to treat these men like toddlers. With bad behaviour comes consequences. The consequences of his vile behaviour are he doesn’t have you and everything that goes with that. The police have been well trained and are ready fir the increase in DA/DV calls.
Your daughter needs to know that speaking to a woman like this is not acceptable or she will go into relationships and think it’s okay. My ex called me names in a joking way in the beginning and during sex. When I complained he’d laugh and say I was being silly/too sensitive or that I was his c.w/s..t/wh..e. he didn’t mean anything by it, like they were words of endearment or something!!!
It’s easy for others to tell you what to do, living with abuse on a daily basis wears you down, so much that you believe you don’t deserve better. But you do as does your daughter. Id rather be on my own than with a man who calls me names, belittles and scares me.
You can do this, keep posting. I was with my oh for over 2 decades, don’t key this become you. We don’t need a man to make us feel whole. We were already a whole person before he came along.
IWMB 💞💞-
Thank you. My best friend recently became very frustrated with me and said she’s losing respect for me because I haven’t made him leave the house yet. That hurts so much. I feel like a time will come where I am strong and make the decision but it will happen when I’m ready, not when someone else or others say it should. Surely? It’s difficult now because he’s on his best behaviour so I don’t feel justified at this moment. For some reason I’ve separated previous actions. I feel attacked by my friend and like I’ll have no one when this is over
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I was stuck like you. Frozen. I consider myself lucky that the police took things out of my hands. We are frozen with fear and trauma. You need to get someone to act for you. For your best interests because you’re frozen. There probably would never have been a time when I’d make a move so the police took it out my hands. Arrested and bailed him and gave me space to find myself again.
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Friends though well intentioned don’t know what it is to be in an abusive relationship. Rely on us and professional agencies that ‘get it’. We all too easily forget how bad thing get until the next time. We don’t realise we’re being manipulated. Look up the FOG of abuse, download why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft. You don’t need a current valid reason to end your relationship, once you get your enough is enough moment, once your mind is made up, don’t think about it, just do it. That was my mantra when I was leaving, when I had wobbles. True friends will be there for you afterwards, it’s so frustrating fir them and our loved ones who see what’s going on but we don’t. Look up trauma bonding, it’s likened to Stockholm syndrome. This is an ongoing process,you have to do it in your timeline, anything else and you feel unable to control it. The what ifs start to run away in oor heads. Keep doing the practical things, what helped me with the emotional was relating to everything as chemical reactions that my body automatically did. We bond with our newborns in the way we bond with our partners, that chemical reaction is also released when we are in fight/flight/freeze mode. So the one person releases the same chemical reaction in us, that’s why we are confused by our feelings, inability to act. Once I saw this, it helped to disassociate from my husband. I referred to him, my oh I stopped personalising him. He was referred to as they, I lumped him into that category. Do whatever you have to do to get through this. We will never judge. Once you’re out, you too will be frustrated at others inability to act. But we of all people know why we don’t. Fear, fear of the unknown, fear of what he could do because of all the veiled threats or actual carried out threats.
You’ll get through this, your boundaries will get firmer, your selfbelief will get stronger.
Stay safe, bi làidir means be strong
Much love and strength IWMB 💞💞-
I’m typing this from my (removed by moderator). I spoke to my line manager with work earlier and told her everything. I said I didn’t know what I wanted her to do or say, but I knew she’d be obligated to do something. She got back to me and said that HR wanted her to call the police. I asked her if she’ll give me the opportunity to do this myself and not take away my control. So she’s agreed that if I don’t contact her by (removed by moderator) to say he’s gone and that I’m ok, she’ll call the police. It’s now (removed by moderator) and My anxiety is through the roof. He’s been lovely the past (removed by moderator)days. If I don’t do this the police will come, if I do do it I’m going to seem like I’m over reacting because the pat (removed by moderator) days have been fine
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You’ve forced your own hand haven’t you here – this is a good thing. This has nothing to do with the last few days being fine, you are living in a situation where you feel fearful of upsetting him, if you say anything or do anything he does not like then you know where it will go.
This is about everything that has happened up until this point. It is about his behaviour, the patterns, which take time to spot, so, everytime he has been controlling, abusive and coercive. You need this man out of your house to give you the head space you need don’t you, so you can feel safe and gain some clarity. You simply cant think with him around.
Of course you felt some anger and reluctance when talking to your friend, she is asking you to change what you are doing, to face this, and you’re still feeling unsure – but then you maybe always will feel unsure? Sounds like a good friend to me, she’s being open and honest, she realises this is not what you want to hear and that it could damage the friendship, but regardless, she feels it’s most important to say as this is what you need. What we want and what we need can sometimes be two totally different things right? Try not to shoot the messenger here.
If your manager and your friend think this, then this is what needs to happen here, they can see how stuck you are but also that only you can put an end to it by reaching out for help and getting him removed. Your manager however also recognises that if you can’t, means she will have to for you.
You’ve done brilliantly here, keep going, however this unfolds, it will be ok now x
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Wonderful, beautiful advice here from these lovely ladies!! IWMB said something about the stress hormones/chemicals that are released during fight or flight or just stress in general and she is Spot ON! Soo glad to see someone talking about this. It will ravage your body, your mind and will keep you in the circular reasoning. It is you saying to yourself that your house is very much on fire here but I can remember the times when I’d be like, yeah BUT, if only just hunker down in the closet here, I’ll be okay. Or maybe if I go out and run back in I’ll be okay. LOL! Yup, I did that. Didn’t work but I guess I had to do it.
He’s a bully. Isn’t happy unless he’s making someone else miserable. He’s doing a good job and words are just words. It’s a con job. What people don’t understand about this personality is IF they can con you in the first place, they already think you are stupid. If they get you to accept their con again, they think you are really stupid. And on it goes. They detest the people they can snow. It gives them power for their own little egos. They are basically cowards at heart but nonetheless dangerous.
Read up on what “n**********c supply” is. It’s an eye popper. Basically it’s when a n********t targets someone who has lovely wonderful energy, is full of life and love and kinda like a vampire sticks their fangs in, they do too. I call them psychic vampires because they are that. They can’t do what you do. They can’t manufacture all this love stuff, this good energy and liveliness because they are n**********c. They don’t have empathy at all. And they are extremely envious because they can’t mimic what you do. They can try but not fully be able to do it in truth. It’s not real…. So this envy they have about what you can do they cannot is profuse. They are used to being able to control, manipulate and bully, pretend to be this or that but they can’t be genuine when it comes to empathy, loving people/animals, doing things just because it’s the right thing to do, etc…….that smile that crosses your face because of your enjoyment factor of being all that really annoys them.
Not only do they set out to destroy it in others……they want all your good juice and energy food for themselves. They suck it right out of you every day. I’ve had girlfriends that did this to me, too. My mother did this. I would walk away from being with them and go OMG, I feel horrible!!! Confused, upset, just bad vibes and overall just spent. Worn out. All of that are huge warning signs of being with a n********t. Psychopaths and sociopaths are n*********s at their core, the only thing different with a psychopath is they enjoy the pain they cause. So realizing what you are really looking at by educating yourself is a wonderful thing to do because it takes you out of your own head where things just keep running round and round.
Forgiving yourself, too, for making a wrong decision about who you thought someone was and isn’t – just has to be done at some point. We all do it. They are slick. They go in for the quick kill every time, Lovebombing you and all that but it never lasts because they can’t keep it up. It uses up too much of “their energy” to do so. Predators don’t like that. They use the charm initially but after that you start getting less and less from them, more and more abuse and whatever you think might be something good from them has a very high interest rate to it that gets more every day. I call my mistakes – lessons. If we never made any mistakes about fixing a car for example, we’d never fix the car. LOL!
Sometimes the best action IS action. We get paralyzed and that can be very dangerous. We don’t need to have all the answers in order to do what needs to be done. Those answers will come in time. One foot in front of the other. But NO has to be mean – NO. You don’t need to have to give anyone a computer printout either. I remember some people in my life wanting to go round about my boundaries and I’m like uhhhh, no……last time I checked it was MY life, not yours. This isn’t working and I want my life and peace back. End of. You just listen to your own instincts and radar. You’re doing really well! Doing breathing exercises helps with anxiety too. Breathe in through your nose really deep, hold it for a few seconds, then push it out through your mouth saying a slow, forceful AHHHH…..as you slowly push that air out through your mouth. Do it a few times and see if it helps you.
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Not sure why the word n********t appears with *******’s. But anyways, they do exist and I absolutely wish that some day we can actually heal them. I think we have the capability to do that. But healing is never about being a sacrifice for them. Their brain is absolutely wired very differently.
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It’s done now. I told him he needed to leave (he wasn’t here so I called him, left a voicemail as he didn’t answer and sent a text too). He came and collected his stuff without saying a word. Then the police turned up anyway since my boss called them, but he’d already left. They did a risk assessment and said it was ‘medium’ and asked consent to share the information with the local MASH, and other agencies. He sent a message saying he was about to drop off my key but saw the police car, and he wanted to know why I’d gone to that extent. He eventually apologised for making me feel that way and wished me the best. It doesn’t sound like him, I’m scared he’ll watch me. I feel exhausted and drained, but really sad at the same time. I definitely don’t feel the relief I thought I would 😔
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This is good news, its been a stressful day, you will feel a range of emotions over the coming days, I remember it wasn’t until a week or two after that I ‘noticed’ the calm, the space where he no longer was – then came the relief. It’s still live for you at the moment, give yourself some time to de stress an let things calm.
From now you really just need to keep records, so I would photograph this message and do nothing more. As tempting as it is, social media can send us into a spin, I prefer not to look myself.
Let the police do their job and the right pople and agencies will contact you in the coming days; but if you are left wondering is anything happening, then call and ask for an update.
If he comes to the house then call them straight away. They can deal with him now. I’m wondering whether they told you if they will be speaking with him and asking him not to come to your house? Maybe they did r didn’t?
No contact from here sends the right message, getting into anything with him is risky. If he has his stuff then there’s really no need for him to contact you now is there.
It takes a bit of time for the heart to catch up with the head, you will question is what I have done right, especially as it ended pretty quickly in the end didn’t it, guessing it all feels like a bit of shock just now, you’re in a new reality.
Lots of painful emotions to process now, how do I feel and what does it all mean, try to be mindful that the heart can try and fool the head over these next coming weeks, that you will experience an emotional dip, its always better not to make any decisions here from the heart, for a while, to sit with your loss and ride it out, there will be a longing for things to be different, only when we put how we feel aside, and tell ourselves the facts, we know that it was never going to be ok or right don’t we. Just need to get through for a bit now. Keep giving yourself whatever it is you need to do this.
Guess I’m saying give yourself some space and time to be with how you feel and process the ending of this relationship now.
I for one feel relief this unbareable situation has come to an end; as I’m sure those who love and know you will also feel, your friend, daughter and your manager to name a few hey. You can chat with your daughter when you feel able, to make sure she is clear in her mind this behaviour is never acceptable in any circumstances in any of her relationships, that you are truly sorry she has also been going through this, but it is over now and it will never happen again.
Things will get better now, welldone for getting him out and making this stop x
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I pushed back every time. Report everything. You need to show a pattern of behaviour and here’s the first one. When he gets no response he will get worse. Don’t respond at all just let the police deal with him.they may caution him at this stage. It’s a rollercoaster and it’s exhausting. Make sure you force food and keep hydrated. For your brain as well as body x
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Well done , you have been amazing. Get your locks changed as soon as you can, I’d contact the police they might have someone they can guide you to, though if it’s one of the 5 barrel locks you could do it yourself, a lot cheaper too. Take time to be kind to yourself. All your senses will be heightened as well. I still find the tv too loud even at level 5. It’s the sense of smell which is heightened too, I found that one weird. Don’t expect to sleep anytime soon either but it will eventually find it’s own rhythm again. I am so so happy fir you.
IWMB 💞💞 -
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Soooo Proud of YOU!!! Yes, report everything to the police! Some women have decided to have their phone on “record” at times when you are out and about, feeling unsafe, just in case he approaches. Speed dial the police on your phone, too. A nannie cam is good to have hidden in your house. Some are very cheap.I have a cam outside which comes inside an outside lamp. I get an alert on my phone when anyone approaches complete with video. I have a small marine air horn that is LOUD!! You let that thing off and not only is the other person thoroughly shaken but other people hear it, too. I use it for hiking as well. Animals run!! Change those locks. Always check windows, maybe put in place an extra lock on them. Do not respond to him. Maybe choose someone that can be your representative for all communication that you both use. I assume you will have to hammer out a few things like child visitation, legal issues, etc. Buy some good pepper spray with the little wrist bracelet attached. Good for women to have anyways. He will try to suck you back in but if you aren’t listening then it won’t work. Do breathing exercises, and just self care in general. Your strength isn’t fear, it’s your resolve….
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