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    • #143463
      Plodding
      Participant

      Hi I’m feeling increased confusion due to questioning if things are “put downs , intentional etc”. Where as previously I felt an aweful feeling when he said or did something which I started to recognise as put downs/abusive because of how it made me feel . I think Iv had a king good phase and now Iv noticed bits possibly creeping in that are either “normal for him/non abusive” or down right put downs . Because of his previous behaviour Iv lost feelings and trust so I’m wondering if I might just be getting upset by things? And de sensitised? Or am I just looking for things/reading into them ? I think some of these things may have made me more upset before and am I just getting used to it or is it different now I know what it’s about ie undermining etc he could have just got more subtle . What I want to know is , is it something that happens where u become less affected by it ?
      Thanks

    • #143466
      searchingforhope
      Participant

      I think that for me also, I get de-sensitised to it. It becomes normal. I doubt myself then thinking am I reading too much into it, maybe it’s not intentional. Maybe he is just doing his best. But I don’t know. I’m trying to learn to trust my feelings now. As I find I don’t trust them now, I think alot of that is down to him dismissing my reactions or feelings so much.
      I’m not sure if I have helped in anyway giving my point of view. But I think it’s very wearing and I feel like it was there for a long time only I didn’t see it.

      Hope your day is going ok. Take care of you x*x

    • #143473
      Twisted Sister
      Participant

      yeah, I completely agree, you become more and more self-doubting, and more and less, sensitive to the comments and definitely more confused with how you are supposed to react.

      Its all so minimised by the abuser, and becomes normalised, especially if you are just relieved that for once its ‘not so bad’, and its not the worst stuff, but you consider it better because its lower grade abuse, but thats like death by a thousand paper cuts, many of the lower grade digs and criticism.

      I think the key thing is their reaction when you challenge it, or say, I’m tired of all the put-downs why you keep doing this? Any normal partner would be saddened to hear they’d caused upset, and would want to know what they’d said and to try not repeat anything that hurt the one they love…but yeah, hmmm…

      warmest wishes

      ts

      • #143504
        Plodding
        Participant

        Thanks these are all the things I’m feeling
        So helpful x

      • #143505
        Plodding
        Participant

        Thanks twisted sister I can relate to what I say about the lower grade stuff
        I find that challenging the lower grad stuff is very hard
        X

      • #143506
        Plodding
        Participant

        Search for hope thanks
        Definitely things I’m feeling
        X

    • #143485
      Mellow
      Participant

      In abuse relationship things become normal I witnessed abused relationships as a child so when I got with my partner I thought it was normal but it’s not normal most of the time and if you have to read into it always follow the first instinct not the one after the first one is usually right.I’ve always ignored mine but in the end I’ve been right

    • #143518
      nbumblebee
      Participant

      I think we are so used to covering things up pretending to the outside world that all is ok. We can almost now talk ourselves round in our own heads. Did he really just say that? Did he really just do that? No surely not. Then it becomes the norm we tell ourselves all marriages relationships are like this we all have good days and bad days right?
      Wbat hit me was when i found some new friends and saw how they went out alone, how husbands joined in at xmas parties I onve said to one wow your husband alllws you to go away overnight and she looked at me as if i had two heads. To us living this its just normal we play it down so many times we actually forget or we dont really believe its what makes telling others so difficjlt. Stand back write things down then read them as if a friend was writing to you how do you feel then? What would you tell that friend?
      I guess we have to be our own best friends x

    • #143520
      Bebrave100
      Participant

      I find it’s just an ongoing cycle of put downs, being ignored, derogatory comments. My other half goes from being nice as pie to being so nasty. He’s never hurt me physically, but I’ve had this emotional Turmoil for over (detail removed by Moderator) years! I’m now at the stage of feeling numb of feelings. I Feel like I’m in a lose lose situation. If I ignore, speak up, try and resolve it, it never gets resolved. I’m exhausted and it’s affects my everyday life more and more now.

    • #143617
      Tea-and-biscuits
      Participant

      Omg just read nbumblebee.how right you are . When I hear of friends going on hen do s or nights away. I’m like , are you allowed ? I think we just get so used to the rules. We don’t know what’s normal or acceptable behaviour anymore.

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