12th April 2016 at 7:34 pm #13607
I’ve had a terrible night/morning. I can’t stop crying. I’m exhausted physically and, emotionallay and mentally. He’s given me an 8 hour
mental batteringberating / critising about how I don’t initiate sex how I don’t love him the usual all because I said I didnt want him to give me oral sex.
He was dropping hints over the past xdays but he was doing in such a jokey way I just laughed it off but then in the evening he asked me if I was going to have a shower and I said no, then he asked can we do it and I said no. Then he asked just a bit and I reluctantly shook my head and said well I can have a shower because I could sense he was getting upset. Then he went off on one. His critising went on for hours – all through the night. I am so tired, crying as I type this.
This time, the argument was so bad because all I could think about was how what he was doing was abusing me. I kept reminding myself that he’s going to catch on if I keep challenging him about how he doesn’t listen to me. But when I say challenge, I only stepped in to say things like “I am trying” when he was constantly accusing me of not trying to make an effort. That I make no effort. It was so horrendous, he started getting aggressive in his tone in the middle of the night to the extent that I was sobbing and pleading him to stop and repeatedly saying that I was sorry.
But he wouldn’t stop. He would keep going on about how its a necessity to have sex and that the human body needs it even if I don’t feel like it. He was saying that I had psychological issues that was preventing me from wanting to have sex because “physiologically” my body responds in a possitive way (meaning non consentual sex is ok because your body doesnt resist). He kept accusing me of not making any effort.Then i told him that he might think I’m not making an effort but I know that I am making a effort. That I always try and I told him that most of the times we do it I actually don’t want to but I do it anyway because I know he likes it and if not we end up having the same conversations that we are having now. He respoding by saying (in a very sinister tone) that he knows I don’t like it but that is not excuse because our nature dictates that out bodies need to have sex even if our minds don’t want to. Many a times I don’t want to have sex with him because it just feels wrong but I can’t tell him that.
He even equated “love making” to cooking. He told me that he hated cooking but he does it anyway to please me. I said eating is a necessity – we need it to survive to which he responeded that don’t we need sex to survive and I said no then he laughed…? He even tried to spin things around by making HIM the victim by sayng that he ddoes everything for me, he spoils me too much by cooking and cleaning. Why should a man cook and clean but he does because he loves me (he said). What gets me is that 1) I have never asked him to cook – he does it as a way to control me and how / what/ and when I eat. 2) He told me the next morning that he loves cooking and it brings him so much joy to see me eat his food.
I did accidently mention that I don’t want our relationship to get to the stage that I push him away and he said his biggest fear was coming true – that I would be able to live without him and that I was better off without him because I have NEVER said that before. I did try and backtrack but consciously knowing what he was saying and doing and hearing some of the things he said which were identical to what other ladies on this forum have said their (ex)partners had said to them was making it all the more difficult. I could really see for the first time that all he cares about is himself and in fact his idea of “love-making” is to just satisfy himself and to control me.
He even tried the ‘making himself into the victim’ line, which he has never done before. He told me he was scared that I would take advantage of him because of his helpful and kind hearted nature and after watching watching what his mum had gone through, he doesn’t want to be taken advantage of. I had to repeat what he said just to clarify that he was actually saying that he didn’t want ME to take advatage of HIM?? Can he even hear himself speaking???
Anyway, he talked (aggressively) for hours and hours when all I wanted to do was sleep. There was so much more contradictory, manipulative, lies but it’s all such a blur now because my mind wants to blank it out and I feel so tired.
After he finally stopped and apologised for getting angry, we went to sleep at about 3am in the morning. Five hours later at about 8am, he woke me up and asked me can we sex? I wasn’t exactly in the position to say no after the mental battering that I had just endured only a few hours ago so I just lay there and let him. I felt so unhappy and just couldnt wait until he had finished. Afterwards he continued talking about the previous night, still justifying his behaviour and things that he said because I had told him I thought I was scared of him and broke down during the one sided arguement we had the previous night.
I’m just feeling so tired, helpless and down at the moment. I really want to call woman’s aid but I’m still so scred. I don’t want anyone to get involved yet or tell me what to do like he does. I just want someone to talk to about what I’m going through. I’m still crying.
12th April 2016 at 9:08 pm #13619KIP.Participant
Ring the helpline. Women’s aid never ever tried to tell me what to do. They try to help you understand what is going on and show you that you have other options x sleep deprivation is a recognised form of torture. It exhausted me, made me depressed, weepy, easier to manage. Hence you giving in to sex the next morning. You really don’t have to live like this. Abuse creeps up on us and only gets worse. You need to talk to someone x there is no point in trying to argue with him. He will just move the goal posts x
15th April 2016 at 12:23 pm #13889
Thanks KIP. I’m feeling a tiny bit braver but still haven’t called yet. I’m currently reading ‘Living with the Dominator’ by Pat Craven which I find very insightful.
12th April 2016 at 9:34 pm #13627AyannaParticipant
Oh hun, I had the same problem. He went on for hours. At 3 am he usually became tired. Most of the time he raped me in the end, also frequently orally and he injured me doing that there too. I had to get up three hours later to go to work. I was always shattered in that relationship and unable to speak up because I was so tired most of the time.
The abuse gets worse, trust me.
You need to get out.
Arguing with him will deteriorate the situation even faster. Abusers do not like resistance or a difference in opinion. They want us to be their devoted slaves.
Why would you live like that? We are treated awfully enough by the health system and other people. No need to have abuse in our four walls too.
Please get out. You have your whole life ahead of you! You can get back into education and become a boss (detail removed by moderator)! x*x
15th April 2016 at 12:23 pm #13890
Thanks Ayanna, the last part of your message actually made me smile, a genuine smile 🙂
15th April 2016 at 7:04 pm #13929LemonPieParticipant
Wow I could have written your post myself. I’m genuinely stunned. I’ve been separated from my ex for a few months now, it’s the best decision I ever made. I haven’t missed him at all and low and behold, despite what he said, I have managed perfectly well!!
My ex would say thinks like ‘why do you think the saying lie back and think of England was invented’ he’d go mad at me for making him feel like a rapist – maybe he shouldn’t have acted like one? Just loads of things that at the time, I believed I was guilty of. I went to the doctors several times to seek help for my problems with lack of desire, turns out that being just short of forced into sex isn’t that much of a turn on!
Try not to be scared to ring. I rang, i wish I had spoken to them more. Maybe I would have found the strength to leave sooner x
20th April 2016 at 2:48 pm #14640
Hi LemonPie. I’m so sorry to read that you’ve experienced similar things to what I am but I’m so happy that you’ve left him which I haven’t found the courage to do yet. Like you, for years I questioned my sexual drive, sexual orientation – I thought I was demisexual but now I don’t think it’s me that has a problem per se, or a low / no libido or only being able to fall in love with someone I have a strong emotional bond with because he’s the only person I’ve been in a relationship with so I don’t know what a normal relationship is. I didn’t exactly choose him to be my partner either, he coerced me into that. He wants to keep it that way to hide his abusive behaviour. I never want to initiate sex because like you and somebody else on this forum said, who wants to have forced sex? Or who wants to have sex with their rapist?
He’s a sexual abuser / controller and always makes everything I do my fault and everything he does is either right or my fault aswell. He always wants sex and makes excuses about how his **** hurts when he doesn’t get it or makes up another ‘medical’ excuse about how he needs it.
I did eventually and ring the helpline 2 days ago but unfortunately, the lines were too busy and I was too scared to leave a message for a call back. I’ll try again next time but I’ve actually been secretly reading Pat Craven’s book “Living with the Dominator” which I’ve now finished and I’m currently reading “Why does he do that?” by Lundy Bancroft. These books have really helped me. It’s completely changed the way I see his behaviour now and it’s helping me to understand that it’s not my fault – he is the one with the serious problem.
20th April 2016 at 2:43 pm #14639
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