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My partner is the king of gaslighting. Every time there’s an issue or I say something that’s bothering me, it gets turned on me every time. He will give me the silent treatment at random times, leaving me racking my brains trying to guess what’s wrong. When I cry, he laughs and says I’m being dramatic, or tells me he won’t talk to me until I stop crying. I’m only young, he’s been unemployed for a long time forcing us back in with my parents. He’s dragging me down and I just wish he would get a job as things seems to have gotten worse since he hasn’t had one. In my heart I know this isn’t right and I don’t deserve this one bit, but I literally find it impossible to leave. He has no family so wouldn’t have anywhere to go, and I don’t even know if he knows he’s being emotionally abusive.
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hi there, you sound like a young woman with her head screwed on – the bonus too is that your young. what do your parents feel about him? if hes not working they might be dissapointed that hes not contributing to give you guys a good life. i met an abusive partner when i was really young too – the relationship lasted into my middle age and we had two kids. he downed tools work wise too and was on the dole for many years. with kids in tow i was in dire straights financially. once kids come into the picture and time passes its so hard to leave. hes not your responsibility CA xx
i know this is really hard but is there anyway you could ask him to give you some space. theres so much more for you out there – i know its such a cliche but dont throw your life away on him xx i wish i hadnt xx much love diymum
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Thanks so much. My parents are disappointed but like me, they’re very understanding (too understanding). I’m embarrassed to tell people he doesn’t work and people are constantly asking me “how does he not have a job?! Is he looking?” Etc etc and it’s so frustrating because I don’t know the answers and I’ve given up trying to find out. I feel so lost and like I’m wasting my life. Xx
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its because he thinks he entitled to not work and that everyone should keep him. i had this and my mum used to fib say he had a job working away. a normal person would be embaressed at not providing obviously unless theyre not fit to work for what ever reason. it also makes you tied to him all the time because you wont have the means to out. at one point i remember not even having money to put petrol in the car – it was really depressing xx i dont know why i stuck around i guess i was scared xx its actually financial abuse x
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Does he treat you differently in private? Is that when he abuses you? If so that’s a red flag as he can control his abusive behaviour and chooses to do it in private because he knows it’s wrong. He is not your responsibility. Abusers use Obligation and Guilt to keep us trapped. He would need to get a job if you ended things and I’m quite sure he would get one pretty quickly. I’m surprised your parents aren’t pushing him to contribute to the household bills. Surely that’s what should be happening.
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I didn’t make moves to remove my abusive partner apart from asking him now and again to look for a job and a flat/room, for a long time. Putting up with him sitting around all day, every day never contributing, never doing anything and treating me so, so terribly on top of it. This was after I realised he was abusive.
He also had nowhere to go. I also felt guilty that I’d be putting him on the streets.
Then I realised that there’s lots of help out there, and with effort, he could find accommodation and work. I realised that the effort had to come from him though.
I eventually started to prepare legal papers to have him removed. I didn’t have to use them because he did something that meant I had to get the police to remove him.
I am so much better now, healthier, happier and more positive. I actually smile in a real, unconscious way, because of feeling happy, because I can enjoy conversations and silly stories with other people.
You can not set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. Don’t waste your life because he wants you to be responsible for his.
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Thanks all so much for your responses. It’s a big thing for me to do and I still haven’t ended it yet because I’m terrified. As sorry as I am that you all had to go through these experiences, it’s comforting to know I’m not going mad and people have been where I am now. I’ll figure it out one day. Xxxx
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Hi, You will, in your own time. I know it’s a really hard thing to do, asking him to go, and you’ll need to screw up your courage and be brave, but you’re already a survivor, and we are all here for you, so you can do it.
You are young, don’t throw your best years away on this waster.
If you tell him to leave and he won’t there are ways to get him removed.
x
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