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I don’t mean for this to be a triggering or seeking post but I just don’t know what else I can do to write go off load this I want to ring 999 and have finished the job but i can’t because I can’t leave my girls but I don’t see a clear way . Why is he being so nice to me now ..he’s happy cus I lost weight this week he likes me size ‘ 8/10 not my 12/14 I’ve become this last year. He says I need someone to take control of my “ s**t” . I’m struggling tonight he’s told me contradicting things but he’s right when he ruffles me hits me spits and says wait till its in his bed then I just don’t see a way out . What do Isay. Last time I called police was a massive fight he strangled etc they took him over night I rang and said x y z
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Sorry I meant they said x y z in terms of what they could do . My husband knows most of them . I’m stuck aren’t I
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Good Morning Anononagain,
I just wondered how you are this morning? I hope that you were able to phone the Police. You sound very frightened and you do not need to live in fear, there are options that are available to you so that you and your girls can be free and happy. I hope that you can find a safe window today to phone the helpline, they can help you consider all your options and talk to you about leaving the relationship safely.
We are all here for you so please post to let us know how you.
Best wishes,
Lisa
Forum Moderator -
I’m so very sorry to everyone I offloaded in a silly mood on here. I wasn’t in immediate danger last night hence not wanting to call them etc but I am safe and away for now just wanted to reassure everyone .
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Glad you’re ok anononagain, keep posting won’t you, we all of us want to help and support you and ultimately see you get out safely.
This man has crossed the line, he’s hit you and he’s emotionally and psychologically abusing you. I know it’s difficult to seperate emotionally and physically when in a relationship with these men, it’s really important that you acknowledge it simply is not possible to do this alone.
Please call the helpline hun x
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Hello Anononagain,
We are all here for you. I am sorry that things are feeling so overwhelming for you at the moment. I am pleased that you are safe and away for now, please try to use this time to phone the helpline to get some advice on how to change your situation.
You deserve to feel respected, happy and safe and I hope that the helpline can help you to make steps toward that.
Best wishes,
Lisa
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Thank you . I find it so hard to talk on the phone I have done I had called women’s aid and spoken but I just feel like I’m opening a can of worms that may be harder to deal with than what I’m dealing with now. I feel such shame . All the time I just feel so useless because I’m struggling . I stayed the day elsewhere I am home and not so worked up. I truly feel awful as I read back my message and I feel so ashamed . I should really keep it together I’m sorry… someone posted on here about loner fantasy once and I totally right now just keep thinking to just shut all out never talk to even friends again because I feel it’s best .. I can’t control my panic attack’s and even the beta blockers don’t seem to help anymore. Thank you for all your replies and for how you all care on here . Xx
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Hey chick, feeling shame is part of it and something we have all gone through and battle with; for me it was like I felt like I shouldn’t be in this situation, that I was equally responsible, guess that’s because when there isnt abuse, two people are equally responsible for the success or demise of a relationship, its different with abuse, it is his behaviour that kills the relationship. We try to keep it secret because we feel shame – when actually what we need to do is step away from the shame and make better choices for ourselves. You simply can not make sound choices when governed by shame.
Well done for calling the helpline; hope you got some good advice; I dont like speaking on the phone either, always try to avoid it; but I found that once I’d called it was actually ok and it helped me no end by simply expressing how I felt and having someone to help be wade through my thoughts and the emotional turmoil. It gave me a release and helped me feel better, calmer. I’ve also used the samaritians before now as well when the helpline is busy.
There ere plenty of desperate posts on here; I’ve posted a fair few myself – so please dont beat yourself up about this. He’s kicking you enough already. You’re giving yourself another kicking here. He wants you to feel useless and it’s highly likely he is setting you up to feel this. It’s also likley you feel this way because you are lacking in support – it’s pretty common for folk, especially mum’s, to feel this way when we dont have the support we really need.
You need to talk to those of us who get it, it can feel difficult or that you need to explain things to anyone who doesnt understand; thats one of the beautys of the forum, no need to explain, we can see what you are saying and often understand why and what is happening even from just a few lines – because we’ve all been there.
The can of worms you’ve mentioned, guess when we start to face reality it is scary – is this what you mean? It’s likely your so worn out that it feels like too much to do, so what we do is take one manageable step at a time in the right direction. You’re doing good, taking on here and you’ve rung the helpine – so you are reaching out – which is huge progress x
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Hi Anonagain,
Please don’t feel bad about posting . We understand and like Fizzylem said lots of us write desperate posts. I used to read the posts with tears streaming down my face. I felt terrible shame and humiliation too. it’s because we are victims of abuse. But you are strong and a survivor and once you feel up to it some counselling can help. Please don’t believe it is easier to stay. Yes sometimes it is hard being out, but you will be free to live in peace and you can slowly heal.
Apricotpoppy ♥️ -
Thank you all for your patience with me.. I have been thinking for a while on what’s making me stay and it’s just all a bit messy in my head. My main main fear is that it will break my children’s hearts. Amongst other reasons I feel so sorry for him , because I feel he only ever acts out in vile ways when He’s in pain or can’t cope or when he feels the stress and strain and it’s me then that picks up on his moods and glares if I didn’t then it wouldn’t escalate . I can’t pin point other than way back before kids that he launched at me without there being an argument or me saying something and that was him having taken a drug .. he went to throw a chair over my head in a pub but the barmaid intervened. He calmed down and actually as I type this it’s dawning on me it was then after that he got on his knees told me how I’m his future wife etc etc ( arghhhhhhhhh).
I excluded alcohol after kids cus I just didn’t want to be blamed ( by myself also) … but had one night where we all had drinks and that night after him punching legs strangling and kicking on floor I did call the police . They did come out and even with me saying all is fine they took him to the station over night . I was so desperate and strange I kept ringing the police station desperately to say it was all mutual etc and also there were once he was there familiar face so to speak as he told me the other night ( that was why I was rambling about that ) . This brings me to my other reason for not leaving or calling cus I worry I will just look like I’m doing it all over again and wasting their time …. sorry once I started typing I didn’t stop ?!!
When ever I wrote it all it just looks so much worse than it really was if that makes sense?!
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If you can decide what is right for you, you will find this is also what is right for the kids. If you were seperated, there’s nothing stopping him from continuing his relationship with his children, if he so wished, providing he does what is right by them hey.
Children learn what they live, he’s not teaching them how to deal with stress, to cope, to deal with anger approriately is he, nor is he teaching them the value of respect, for you and for others. If you’re miserable then chances are your children will also be suffering this. If your kids were in a miserable, violent or abusive relationship what would you want for them? You wouldn’t be telling them they should endure it would you? Of course they get upset and confused for a time when their parents seperate, but what they often learn is they like things better this way.
Sounds like you’ve been together for a long time, maybe for now it’s about gathering information, talking to others, reaching out. Wonder how you would feel about getting yourself a support worker from the local womens aid charity? Mine was a vast pool of information and such a great support. Sounds to me that what you really need right now is to work out what is right for you and to feel a bit stronger x
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It sounds like it’s all just sinking in. This takes time and it can be a painful awakening. I had no idea what was going on when I was still in an abusive relationship. I would rheuminate for hours blaming myself, feeling like it was me. I was scared to reach out too, to the school or the doctor. I thought it would make things worse.it’s the fear of the unknown. Once you recognise his behaviour and start to recall it. You’ll realise when you learn the facts and see the patterns in dv the shame lifts to an extent because it’s proof that the blame and shame is not yours it’s his. His actions did this. Once you see it for what it is you won’t be so scared to reach out. With support you can more than do this x*x much love diymum 💪 💕 💕
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I really do hope I can just do that and be brave. Since first posting on here when I was anonon i have gone from being validated hearing it’s abuse .. to then thinking gosh I’ve just written it all too bluntly to reading books recommended then realising patterns but then STILL I just constantly look for the good in it something to be salvaged . Listening to the voice in my head saying every marriage is hard and I antagonise . Then I get desperate I get hurt badly something I said I’d be so able then to leave and I didn’t… I’ve been to the dentist with a broken tooth and nonobe pushed for true explanation even with my cheek and eyebrow bone yellow from faded bruise. I had a smear and my inner thighs at the time still had the large bruises that I was so hoping to bebasked just something but nothing because it was the focus on job in hand and I couldn’t bring myself to hand the note I’d written. I do genuinely listen to advice on here. When I had rung before women’s aid and spoken to a wonderful lady I wouldn’t let it go past me saying who I am because when I knew they were noting ages of children I freaked out .
I am realising something worse than my husband being an abuser i think that is I’m realising I am a coward and too scared to rise up and take s stand I keep failing. I keeping writing feeling all empowered and reality is I can’t do it I’m so scared. Yet I lay here on the floor because I’m scared to sleep in bed of my husband because no just means when I’m asleep now. It’s all just a mess that I want to fix . And maybe I’m just the problem. (Detail removed by moderator). I’ve gone back in order for normality. They’ve never realised we have ever gone before. But today she said in her limited speech … I miss holiday mummy . Let’s be there again. And that’s how I’ve called every break away. A holiday . (Detail removed by moderator). But if a (detail removed by moderator) says about that being something she misses without prompting it made me think … argh what good is me thinking if I don’t act though!!!
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Thinking and doing feel like two different things hey. Remember, one step in the right direction – that is all you need to focus on for now, one step, then after that another, little steps, then one day when you feel ready and you will go, you just havent quite gathered all the info you need yet that’s all.
When a person tells us how rubbish we are every day we start to believe it, what needs to happen here is you need to stop listening to him, he is not a reliable witness and his commenst are only intented to hurt you, knock you down, weaken you – for control!
He’s kicking you, physically, emotionally and psychologically, then you’re coming along and kicking yourself too, this is not helping you A, you are not a coward, you have been abused and weakened, your head has / is taking a battering, like you said, you don’t have the energy – this is the result, you are easier to contol when you think and believe it’s my fault, I am to blame, lose your self worth. I wouldn’t call this cowardice, I would say you are fearful of him, and so you should be, history has shown you it is wise to be this way. It’s also natural for all of us to fear the unknown isn’t it, so this is also likely at play.
How many years do you think you could take living with him as he is? Another 1? 2? 5? 10? 20?
Please try to be kind to yourself; ignore what he says about you as it simply isn’t true, he is feeding the parts of you which feel vulnerable, which need comfort, care and reassurance – which you will never get from him hey.
Google ‘grey rock method’ – see if this is for you? x
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I will google it now. Thank you I’ve heard the grey rock mentioned before but I assumed it was in relation to once left someone.
You ask how many years of putting up with andive nkt yet reached a decade but in my horrible filthy heart I think as he’s so much older maybe it’ll get easier when he’s “ mellowed” but he’s not mellowed he’s just me re cringe worthy or rather I mean I am cus it’s me with the issue. He said tonight how much he loves me and it wasn’t after an argument it was really in a fly away moment I don’t think he was trying to manipulate.
Argh I’m fighting myself
I don’t think my views are accurate any more.
I’m trying to keep taking on board such great advice I’m also trying to think of myself as one looking in but it’s skewed.
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Thank you by the way my message was rushed I didn’t mean it to look rude x*x
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Hi there sweetheart, it’s good to see you posting again.
It really is so much to deal with isn’t it, it’s so difficult to see through all his different tactics or as you say picture it as someone looking from the outside in. But whatever you might feel, you are not the one with the issue. He is the one abusing you. He is hurting you sweetheart and he may say he loves you without an argument, but love doesn’t come with bruises or put-downs or broken teeth. Love means respecting that no means no. I really worry for you, please don’t think it’s your heart that’s horrible or filthy, it’s not sweetheart. None of this is on you, no matter what he will have you believe. Listen to fizzy, don’t kick yourself further down, that only helps him. Please keep trying with GP and dentist, keep having that note with you if you need to go back there or if you can arrange another visit. Please don’t rule out WA either, they are so lovely to speak to.
Please don’t feel sad or worried about the advice that’s been given to you on here. We all know just how difficult these situations are and yours is no different. It sounds like you feel like you are letting us down – please know that you are not in any way letting any of us down. You can keep posting here as much or as little as you need.
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Aww such a lovely reply from AS, have to echoe, try to work on being kind to yourself for sure. It’s good you are noticing that your perception may be a little scewed sometimes and that your mind changes – all very natural and part of the ‘awakening’ process as DM has said.
Information is power, keep gathering it then one day you will be clear in your mind what is happening and what you want.
You dont deserve to be treated this way hun, whatever you have said or sometimes feel, no one deserves this.
‘Love bombing’ can be a classic abuse tactic for control, to reel you back in again after the violence or abuse, not saying it is or it isn’t here, only you can work that out, but if you are informed of this tactic, read into it, then it might help you to recognise it for what it is, or decide no that’s not the case here. We all of us want to belive we are loved and lovable, this is natural human need, which is often part of why it makes it so difficult for us to leave and let go, let go of the hope for a brighter day, because living with this hope has been a big part of our reasoning to stay hey x
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When I read your post I hear myself in so many ways. I worried so much about the impact on my kids, it was only when I left when I realised how disturbed they were from the life I thought I was protecting them from. They realise so much more than you think. My ex was older than me and convinced me it was all in my mind. Iv been free for a few years, but I have no contact with one of my kids…he’s so screwed up from the past. One of the others is a mess….I a peal to anyone with kids. .get out xx
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Thank you so so much your replies are so kind to me and I can’t tell you enough that reading the messages on here gives me some bolster or comfort .
I researched the grey rock approach . In my head it made total sense but could I do it !!!?? Nope’ !! I tried so hard. Not reacting to the usual jokes n jibes to which he even stared me out saying what’s wrong with you not biting ay? Then seemed happy said well that makes a change maybe we can have a good daybrtc still I didn’t respond just said I’m sure we can .
He got what he wanted however (detail removed by moderator) in terms of sex and like a literal blue print of how he has been over the years or maybe all the time together.. the next day is horrendous. I tried so hard for no reaction but in the car he was driving like a l*****c . I was scared ( these are tight lanes) he then swears at cars that won’t reverse and says how ivevruined thevday for being dramatic. I tried to not react but then I snapped cus one daughter in bavk I screamed not with “name” in car. That was his reason for the whole day of silent treatment culminating in (detail removed by moderator) which he’s not laid a finger on me just called me horrid things said I’m so nasty to him and keeping the atmosphere so thick so that I’m fearful when I get the glares abd “ do you really want to go there” remarks etc. On weekends like this it’s so clear to me …but I know give it a week or so I’ll be not so clear on how it’s just so unhealthy to be with him. Hence why I’m writing it all ( sorry!!) so that I can either read or be reminded. He really doesn’t love me , he even finds the kids an inconvenience at times I’m certain.
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He’s now leaving (detail removed by moderator) I said I’d had it . I stood deliberately this time at other end of room I didnt rise to go in nearer to him.
Say even when he was saying anything and everything that gets me so pleading. I’m on here instead in the other room but my heart is beating so fast. I really feel my non acting like I’m
Distraught is making him so mad . I can hear him
. He’s got (detail removed by moderator) blaring at full volume. The (detail removed by moderator) in the bungalow is loud. He’s saying the c word every so often . But not coming out because it would then be him . I’m so dohevwith this. He knows doesn’t he that I want to stop all this by going in there saying my piece to be shut up . Times like this when I’m fearful but I can’t pinpoint real physical why that I need to call police but I’d be laughed at or would it be wasting time?! -
he sounds like hes escalating – i remember feeling like this – its like waiting for a bomb to go off and you dont know which direction its coming from. if he starts up and your feeling intimidated thats enough it to get the police involved. i need to read your post back again from the start xx please dont feel your wasting police time this is domestic abuse and will be taken seriosly if your scared your scared xx love diymum
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Hey chick, have to agree, no it’s not a waste of police time; you know exactly what could happen and you feel the tension in the air.
I’m sure the police would rather come to find you scared than needing medical care. Do whatever you need to do to get safe flower, and if you call them, follow their advice.
Come on A, you can do this, time to put an end to it WITH SUPPORT as this man is dangerous, dont tell him to go or that youre leaving; try to say nothing, keep clear of him and let the police remove him for you x
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I want to. I fought the desire to go in and confront in order to have reason to call ( as that never works I end up shocked) but I’ve been dealing with my girls. They’ve finally settled back again . I’m scared they’re waking constantly because of issues. He’s retreated to his room ( our room but his) his last slam
I’m
Certain will mean he won’t carry this on (detail removed by moderator) but I hope he does what he said about renting elsewhere. I know he wont. Just like I’m urging myself to call 101 to even say please help him leave. Yet I hear you won’t. Arghhhhh I used to drink and would have the guts and have been so tempted to drink to just be able to ring without worry but then I know I’ll be accused of drunkenness with kids around! Why can I write on here but not call.the times I’ve been tempted to put my address and name so someone can maybe do it for me I’ve lost count . -
Because it feels like letting the cat out of the bag; its the unknown isnt it, feels like you could be lighting the touchpaper; makes it real; but the only way to stop it is to reach out and let others in; as this removes some of his power and it gives you the support you need.
OK he’s in his room and you’re thinking that is likely it for the night; can you bunk in with the girls? Lock the door? Sleep with your phone.
It’s your call, only you can decide. I just want you to be safe. I dont want you to take any risks.
I do know chances are you wont be able to get him out alone, that you will need to either have him removed and get a protection order or leave with the girls, likely into refuge without alerting him to reduce the risk. Him renting wont happen as you said – rubbish hey.
If you don’t call tonight, although I really wish you would! You could say you simply cant take anymore, that you dont know if you’ll get walloped or not, but you do know if you engage in any argurment there is a strong chance you will, so you’re trying to lie low to avoid it – and you also dont know if this will work or not.
But if you don’t, how about you promise yourself you will call the domestic abuse police department on Tuesday to start to talk it through with them? You dont have to do anything other than call for advice, see what can be done. Good plan? Do able? x
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I imagine it’s the angst of exposing him you’re battling with isnt it and not knowing what this means and this is in conflict with your emotions, maybe some sentimental feelings, then on top of this then comes along your thoughts about what this will mean for the girls – but as you dont know you can only imagine. It becomes too much, feels overwhelming – so you do nothing. It means taking action doesnt it, taking charge of ending it and you’re not sure you feel ready for that as well.
If you can find out what can be done from the police I think this could help, because you will know then what are your choices. What would / could happen.
Try to gather evidence A, as long as there is no risk involved. Download a recorder to your phone, if he’s in a mood switch it on, but make sure there is a lock on your phone that he cant open. Hugs xx
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Yes fizzy lem I just can’t expose his true behaviour also because whenever I’ve attempted on here and to anyone that I have they’ve all been so shocked that I just think the police will take my babies away
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I always bunk with girls or my “ office/spare room” I’m
Only in his room when his behaviour indicates sleeping with him will settle things. (detail removed by moderator) he’s made it his room. We did have an altercation I couldn’t stop my sled when he went to bathroom I walked out of room and spoke . He’s resulted in the physical. But I’m so weird aren’t I that I’m happier now cus it hurts and burns . I have physio on (detail removed by moderator) . For my back … my back is now but it may fade covered with kicks (lightnas in ball ). I still have the same letter written for smear test etc I could either try and prob fail that. Or I just want him to do something so awful that I can call. -
Take some pictures in the morning, try to get your face in some of the shots as well as the bruises wherever they are; if the bruising gets worse take some then as well. No I totes get it, it feels like you’re not waiting for it now wondering when or if it’s coming, because you got it. Its a warped logic my dear! But logic all the same for the situation you are in.
Yes take your note with you to the physio. Good plan. You never know you might even be able to tell this person.
OK lets talk some more tomorrow. Really hoping you are safe for now xx
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ring WA today and get an exit plan – your in danger. you wont get the kids taken from you its him thats behaving like an irresponsible parent not you xx i think refuge sounds like a viable option?sending you hugs ive been there terrified they would take my daughter but that didnt happen and that was a very long time ago – the police and other services are so much more aware of dv now xx love diymum
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Dear Anononagain
I sincerely hope you managed to keep safe last night. So sad that you were forced to suffer his abuses last night, and can see you have lots of support here, just wanted to lend my supprt to you too in this frightening time.
Do keep taking it out here where you will have non-judgemental support and any advice you might want.
Take care of you lovely.
Warmest wishes
TS
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Thanks ladies for responses.
All ok here. Not seen him yet.life really shouldn’t be like this should it. Im wondering if he will stick to what he said of finding somewhere else. !?
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Hey flower, good to read youre back online. No life really shouldnt, we all deserve a peaceful, abuse free life.
You really want someone else to change this for you dont you hun, him leaving, someone else calling him out, but I guess when it comes down to it, this is wishful thinking, you are the only one who can put a stop to this. I think it would really help you to start thinking about this – what if no one ever hears your cries?
We know his behaviour wont change dont we; so the only person who can change this is you by changing how you deal with it.
While you are waiting for someone else to rescue you, you are at risk. Your girls want their mum, and they want her to be content and happy. All of you could be in safe place away from this abuse.
WA’s can help you get into refuge sweetie and give you all the support you need to get protections in place.
It’s going to have to be you A x
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He will no doubt be playing you and jumping on this fear also, so it leaves you feeling he will use it against you, and you currently know you do not feel strong enough to fight. This is why it would be good for all of you to go into refuge and start feeling supported, you need a bit of looking after too right now x
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does he have an official job? if so hes probably conditioned you into thinking he carries more power than you (job wise)they use status to hide behind these men do. this isnt true though there are many abusers that have responsible jobs and that wont make a difference. in reality you wont loose your kids- i know this is the scariest thign but he knows that too and is using it to keep you there xx these men are calculating xx much love diymum
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Ah I absolutely feel like I’m mad. I’m unsure if I need to go back on antidepressants I suddenly stopped recently. I feel such an enormous amount of guilt because I know if I shut up then most situations or used to be the case didn’t happen. So I feel entirely responsible and then I feel guilt that o just can’t make a decision for anything. I feel like I’m doing life on auto pilot but at times lately each movement I make feels like in slow motion it’s so strange. I think that people would take girls because it’s gone on for so long etc. I just sit and wait now I’ve fed girls. I don’t know if he’s coming home or not. I won’t ring him.
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i dont think anti depressant do any harm but the problems i guess are still there you just feel a little bit more able to adjust to him. ive been on and off them and some times i feel kie i really need them for anxiety mainly. it sounds like your on egg shells again xx did you manage to call womens aid hun xxxx love diymum
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Your head’s battered to the point where you dont know whats wrong and whats right hey. You want someone anyone to change it for you.
You need some personal space hun, in a safe place.
Will take about a month for the anti-depressants to leave your system; often what happens is there is a dip in mood and an increase in anxiety not long after stopping, among other withdrawal symptoms, read the info in the packet, will help you to work out if what you are feeling is likely down to the withdrawal of the drug; you can always call the GP as well and request a call to discuss it.
Sounds like you maybe need them as nothing has changed in your situation to leave you feeling better and thus not needing them anymore? People usually come off them when they start to feel better as life is picking up again.
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I really wish you would draw the line A. This man is destroying you. Don’t let him.
You shouldnt have to remain quiet or use sex to avoid conflict. It is not your fault for opening your mouth when you do; he should not be trying to squash and control you or behave in this utterly disgusting way.
I hope he gets a kicking one day and he cant get up.
Yes, ring the helpline again while he’s out xx
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He’s absolutely normal?? I don’t understand at all .
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