I can’t take it anymore.

[roadtohealing]

I’m so worn out, so tired of being sworn at in front of my adult son, I’ve forgotten how hard it hurts when your own son hears the verbal abuse and name calling because he’s been away at University and is only back home for a weeks before he goes back again. I feel awful that my son has to hear and witness all this abuse after a year of living away and being away from it all, I feel so bad for my son and just as bad for myself too.

I really missed my son this last year, I often sat on his bed in his empty room and cried after being subjected to the usual insults, and I have been really looking forward to having my son back for a few weeks this summer, but as usual he has ruined for me. My son grew up hearing me being sworn at, he now just shuts everything out, I know it’s effected him, how could it possibly not?

He is jealous of my love for my son, which is his son too, not stepson, although you would think he is the way he resents me for giving him my love. I’m not worthy of anything, not even loving my son or my son loving me back, and that’s like a dagger in my heart. I’ve distanced myself from my friends even my family because he’s always put me down and embarrassed me in front of them, the only person I have left is my son, and in his eyes even he is seen as too much for me.

I honesty feel like I’m going to break today, I cannot bear it anymore, my heart aches and I feel so helpless and lonely that I dread each day ahead of me. I am so trapped, so lonely, so afraid and on top of everything I feel as though I have let my son down because he has had to grow up in such a horrible atmosphere, and the even to this day it’s the same. Child, adolescent, young or elderly adult it affects you, the past scars you and the future terrifies you, how do you move on?

The slightest thing will send him off, today was the mess he left in the kitchen I try to ask as nicely as possible for him to contribute even a little bit towards keeping the house clean and tidy but no matter how I put it he just goes off on one, throwing insults and abuse at me and I just can’t take it anymore.

I’ve tried everything possible to get along with him, to not have to hear his insults, as long as I sit there with no opinion, no expectations from him, not even expect to be looked at when spoken to, there will be a ‘sort of calm’, but the second I asked to be seen and not taken for granted, not ignored all hell breaks lose.

I often go over things in my head, am I to blame, did I cause all this to happen, did I trigger his anger, but surely this is no way to behave and treat someone no matter how angry you are? I’m not claiming to be an angel, I too lose it and shout now, more so in recent years, I even at times find myself being the aggressor now often starting a fight because I know there is one ‘brewing’ and maybe subconsciously I just want to start one and get it over with. A never ending vicious circle that has taken years off of me, chipped away at my confidence, and robbed me of my sanity. Sometimes feeling numb and empty doesn’t feel so bad because it protects me from feeling any emotions which is better than the usual pain and anguish.

I used to be such a calm and happy person, but I no longer recognise the person I have become. I’m often too ashamed to even step outside my door because I know my neighbours always hear him swearing and shouting at me, I feel that they must look at me as the ‘sad abused women’, some of them no longer even talk to me and that makes me feel so hurt and ashamed, but I solider on.

I’ll solider on today and the next, because that’s what I do, and have been doing so for many years. I wish it wasn’t like this, but it just is and like I said I’m trapped. Leave you might say, well it isn’t that easy, there are lots of reasons why I can’t and love is not one of them, that diminished alongside the smiling, laughing, confident person I once was a long time ago..

[Eggshells]

Hi roadtohealing

This sounds awful for you and your son.

Leaving might seem impossible, it did to me and as a result I stayed for 3 decades.

Yes, I experienced homelessness, left my job and left friends behind. For the first time in my life I claimed benefits until I landed work with a temping agency. Bit by bit I built myself a new life – I’m still building it.

It hasn’t been easy. One son became suicidal after I left because he realised how his father had controlled him. The youngest has now also developed a mental health condition because he’s just starting to understand the manipulation he’s been subjected to. But! They are working through it. It’s no longer bottled up and all 3 of us are making our lives our own.

A fresh new start. It is possible. Start dreaming and you can make it happen.

[nbumblebee]

Ahhh sweetie i hear you loud and clear i miss my kid too i often just sit and cry in his room its so so hard me and him are so close and he always made me feel so much better about myself telling me how proud he is of me.
I miss that as my husband certainly doesnt do that and like you spoils everytime we see him.
I hear how sad you are and all i can say is as hard as leaving is maybe just maybe its time to start to think about it?
Ive still got 2 at home but i think maybe just maybe when they go i go i cant be here alone with him i cant.
Have you spoken to anyone you can trust? Open up maybe get some support some help out tbere?
Making a plan even if its your head often helps I do things I plan for things he knows nothing about and it helps me get through each day.
Our kids know theres no point in pretending they dont my son and I dont talk about it but he sees a counsellor for anxiety thats my fault and i will never ever forgive myself for not seeing this sooner for not accepting it now and for not being strong enough to leave still now all I can do is be there for him for them which i am thankfully.
You are not alone you are never alone maybe its now time to just reach out for support sweetie xx

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