I can’t tell if it’s just my emotions

[CremeBrulee]

Hi everyone, I’m new here and wanted to share an incident that happened to me recently. I know that my story isn’t anything near as extreme as what other ladies have shared here, and I hope I’m not wasting anyone’s time. Honestly I think what I’m experiencing is pretty borderline if anything at all, and I’m hopeful that I can still work things out with him, but I’d like to clearly understand what I’m dealing with and see if anyone has any suggestions or advice.

Here is the incident that got me looking for advice on the internet. I’m going to try to present it as neutrally as I can, and let you be the judge… but keep in mind that I am not neutral, I’m right in the middle, and so my perception is always going to color this account a bit despite my best efforts. I won’t be offended if you have alternative interpretations of any subjective statements I make, and honestly I’d prefer it if you questioned or called me out on things as I am even doubting how accurately I perceive or remember things. After all, isn’t one of the first rules of insanity that you don’t know you are?

Anyway, without further ado, my account:

We’d had a big fight the previous night; hurtful things were said. We sleep apart, so when we went to bed I locked my door. The next day I was in my bedroom, curled up in a ball, feeling emotionally overwhelmed and unable to get up or go about my day. (I’m aware that this is one of the symptoms of depression, but I don’t believe I am clinically depressed because according to Doctor Internet this doesn’t happen to me nearly often enough to be considered depression, besides which the only trigger I’ve identified for these episodes is arguments with him.) He came, tried the door, found it locked, and through the door, demanded to speak with me. When I declined, he started banging on the door. I repeatedly asked him to leave. He eventually got a screwdriver and unlocked the door (it’s not a proper lock; just an interior one). He tries to continue the argument from the previous night. I try not to engage and keep repeating the request to leave… “Please leave me alone…Please go away…I can’t handle this right now…Please go…Please go away…Just go…go away… please just go…” I started relatively calm, but as he wouldn’t leave I just couldn’t bear it; I got more and more agitated until eventually I was just babbling on repeat, getting hysterical, and he still wasn’t leaving. He called me crazy and said he wanted to get a recording of this. I heard a chime that sounded just like the iPhone recording chime. I told him I don’t want to be recorded, and to please not record me without my consent, to please leave me alone, that I do not give consent, that recording me without my consent is illegal. He said he wasn’t actually recording and that I was being paranoid. Before long (I would guess about ten minutes since barging in) I’ve devolved to just screaming at him to go away. He threatens to call the paramedics, call the police, call my friends and family to tell them how crazy I’m being, that I’m a danger to myself.

(Footnote: This hit home with me because he has actually called others in a previous argument– I removed myself from the situation and loudly peeled out of the parking lot, then ended up just parking a block away so that I could curl up and cry. After about an hour he started chain calling my phone; when I didn’t pick up he called my friends and told them I was suicidal and needed a wellness check. I was mortified; I couldn’t bear to have them know how my badly my marriage was falling apart. Since that incident I still haven’t mustered the courage to be able to reach out to those friends, even to message about normal, happy events, for fear of having them ask me about the time he called. His “apology” for this incident involved assuring me that he would directly call the police next time rather than contacting my friends.)

Eventually, I just had a full on breakdown and ended up physically hiding my whole self in the sheets. In retrospect it must have looked quite silly– I literally just pulled the (detail removed by moderator) tightly over my head, like a child playing ghost, because I couldn’t think of anything else to do. I was almost catatonic by this point; my mind just going on repeat like a broken record, trying to process and unable to. I stayed immobile for what actually didn’t seem like an hour but, by my clock, was over an hour. He stayed at the foot of the bed for most of this, but eventually got bored and left, at which point I got up and locked the door again.

The thing is, like I said, maybe I am a bit crazy. From what I understand it’s pretty hard to tell from the inside whether you are or aren’t. He thinks I’m slightly autistic, that I’m unable to process emotions correctly and that’s why we’re having so many problems. And, it’s true that sometimes I can be a bit insensitive to other people’s feelings or current state of mind, but with him I’m always told I’m being oversensitive, so I’m pretty confused about how to calibrate. From my perspective, it feels like any time we interact, it’s just one huge string of microaggressions– eye rolls, gestures, tones of voice, literally a dozen small things like that every minute. For example, one day I tried to take the most neutral possible approach I could possibly imagine, and asked if we could talk about some of how his body language makes me feel. He shook his head, sighed, and said “yes” in what I perceived as an exasperated tone. I told him that, for example, what he literally had just done made me think that he might be annoyed at me, and he flat out denied he was annoyed. Later in the conversation, when I told him his body language sometimes made me feel like my concerns were being dismissed, he sighed, put his head down to rest his forehead against the (detail removed by moderator) he was holding, and said “(detail removed by moderator)” in a tone that felt (at least to me) like he would rather be anywhere else in the world.

He also tells me all the time that my memories are incorrect– that what I remember is not what actually happened; that he didn’t actually say what I remember him saying; or that I actually said something different from what I thought I said. It feels like we don’t live in a mutual reality, and it’s pretty hard for me to say definitively that my account is right, because humans do remember things imperfectly, so who really knows short of recording everything all the time?

But despite all the things I don’t know, I do know this: In my whole (adult) life I have never had an breakdown like I just described above. Never. Not even close. As a rule I don’t lose control in this way– I’ve had my share of crying uncontrollably, but never this complete inability to tolerate someone’s presence, just utter desperation to get out, combined with complete helplessness to do anything about it… I can’t allow myself to have another breakdown like this. Yet, at the same time I don’t know how to stop it from happening, because it doesn’t feel like I have any power to control the situation. To be clear, I don’t feel physically threatened, and the only time our arguments have ever gotten physical it was probably my fault: he made a “blah blah blah” hand gesture, I slapped his hand, and he hit me in the face. So I don’t feel like I’m in danger of physical abuse, but from a mental standpoint it feels like he, whether intentionally or not, has found a way to turn me into a puddle of babbling, incoherent goo without much capacity for reasoning or self preservation, and I just don’t know how to defend against this.

Maybe I do just need a therapist. I don’t know. I’m afraid of fully opening up to a mental health professional because that’s not anonymous and it could trigger a whole series of legal issues… what if I’m found to be an unfit parent and they take the kids away (or award him full custody later, in case of divorce)? Unfortunately it just feels safer to stay anonymous on the internet, but I don’t know of any therapists who will go for that sort of thing (after all they need to charge someone for their services, right?)

If you’ve made it all the way to the end, my heartfelt thanks, and apologies for being so long-winded. I’d love your honest opinions– Is this abuse? Is it normal? Am I just crazy? Am I missing something; am I looking at this the wrong way? No need to be gentle or polite!

[Hawthorn]

Oh my goodness but you need such a big hug. You are being subjected to severe psychological abuse. You poor poor thing. You really dont deserve this you know. He is gaslighting you big style. Such crazy making behaviour. He is doing it deliberately to control you.

You are so brave for reaching out. Please please try to take the next step and contact womens aid. You need support. You dont sound crazy at all. You have had a normal reaction to deliberate crazy making abuse from the man who pretends to love you. Read back your post. That’s not love. Its abuse. Not your fault.

I’ve been there. The confusion. Thinking I was losing my mind. You know it’s wrong and that’s why you’re here. You’re so brave.

Please reach out to someone, womens aid(they have a webchat too), try to tell a trusted friend or family member. The isolation is crucifying.

You are not crazy. You can escape this.

Keep posting here, we are all here to support you xxxxx

[Camel]

Hi CremeBrulee

Welcome to the forum. You have found the right place for support.

Let me reassure you…

His behaviour isn’t borderline. It’s classic abuse.

You are not depressed, crazy, suicidal, autistic, inconsiderate, oversensitive.

There’s nothing wrong with your recall of events and conversations.

You don’t need counselling to ‘fix’ yourself. There’s nothing wrong with you.

Your reactions (breakdown) are normal when put in context.

If I were you I’d google definitions of abuse. Keep a secret journal of everything. Make a private appointment with your GP so they can document the abuse and confirm you’re not crazy/depressed.

Once you’re more sure of what’s going on you can work out what you want to do about it.

[Ladyforlorn]

I agree with others, he is psychologically abusing you. He is making YOU feel that you are “crazy” when that is certainly not the case. He is projecting onto you. Can you try to speak to your friends?

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