21st January 2024 at 8:11 pm #165436
Hi, this is my first time coming here. I feel I can’t speak to my friends. I’ve been in a relationship with a guy for over (detail removed by Moderator). He gets annoyed with me really quickly and if he isn’t get what he wants he will say mean things, like I can’t spell and how it’s embarrassing. I was off sick (detail removed by Moderator) with work and he said I was stealing from the company (I’m now in a new job and happy), he regular brings up a time saying that was the last time I loved you. He will then say later on down the line he is sorry. I feel like I’m on egg shells. He says it’s weird I go see my mum a lot. He wants to be around me a lot, where I feel I have to have a really good reason to go out on my own. He goes from job to job and always has a reason why a job didn’t work out where it was the companies fault. He told he went to a bar one night and when I asked what it was called, he told me and I found that the bar had shut down years ago. He said he said that as he feels like I’m always doing fun stuff. I’m starting to feel not ok but can’t tell if I’m over sensitive. Sometimes I feel sorry for him. One time I had to go back home and he got upset and he said he was lonely. There’s been a few things he has said and I just get the feeling it’s not right. Sometimes when I’ve got back to my flat, he will constantly text and then get annoyed if I haven’t replied
21st January 2024 at 9:31 pm #165438tiredofitallParticipant
Hi, I’m sorry to say it but these are big alarm bells. A lot if these things are familiar with my ex. He went from job to job, always someone else’s fault. Usually rubbish management (in his opinion). I had to stay in my job and support our famiky because I couldn’t rely on him.
He also hated me being close to my family, made out it was weird. Started to out them down. All in an effort to isolate me.
He also got insecure when I went out with friends or work functions. I had some red flags early in our relationship and wish I had trusted my instincts. (detail removed by Moderator) years of being scared and miserable and I’m finally free.
Listen to you, you know in your head what’s right x
22nd January 2024 at 9:03 am #165448
Thank you for replying to me. What you said resonates with me. When I was off sick from work, he decided to quit his brand new job as the hours were (detail removed by Moderator) per week and said we wouldn’t spend any time together. He was then out of work for (detail removed by Moderator) months and would say he had interviews when he didn’t or come up with some weird excuse why it didn’t go well.
I know I should leave. I have tried before. He’s just relentless in his messages and then I know I’m going to a lot of abuse so in some ways I felt it was easier to give things another go.
He says we’re meant for each other and he didn’t ask me to walk into the bar the night we met. I feel a bit trapped
22nd January 2024 at 10:49 am #165451HereforhelpParticipant
Hi, you’re not being over sensitive, your feelings are valid. Your partner will never own up or take accountability for his behaviours, abusers will blame everyone else for their shortcomings..
He is trying to isolate you from your mum..by saying it is weird that you so much of her is his tactic, it isn’t weird, it is lovely that you habe a relationship with your mum and that’s what he won’t like..
In a healthy relationship you can leave without fear, of course any breakup is sad but leaving an abusive/controlling partner is a different ball game..
He is an adult, responsible for his own actions and decisions, you are not to to blame.
23rd January 2024 at 3:43 pm #165494HereforhelpParticipant
Mangorose, once you start to see the abuse/lies/gaslighting you can’t unsee it..keep a journal if you can as it is useful when self doubt starts to creep back in. Him saying that he didn’t make you walk onto that bar… that’s him blaming you and him taking no responsibility… my ex husband said I was his world, we are meant for each other, he could never love anyone like he loved me… These abusive men all say and act similar!
I stayed with my husband for far too many years, they do not change, from what I have learnt and experienced they get worse, they do not like boundaries which is odd as personal boundaries are .healthy but abusers like to do as they want and ignore personal boundaries.
Hugs ❤️ HFH
22nd January 2024 at 8:08 pm #165465
Thank you for your message. I felt bad as he chats with his mum over messages but they haven’t seen each other for years, there always seems to be a reason he doesn’t go there to see her. I just thought ah, he hasn’t got the same so maybe a bit bitter about it.
When I tried to leave before he called me lots of names so I’m worried about the abuse I’ll get. He brings up a lot of my past relationships and says how it’s disgusting I bought things up like that before and then he says sorry later on and that he is jealous.
I keep going over it in my head it’s not right and I feel I’m catching him out on lots of lies. They’re little lies but I don’t know why he does it.
Thank you for your replies. This helps me a lot knowing it’s not right
23rd January 2024 at 3:21 pm #165493tiredofitallParticipant
Its funny because my ex didn’t get on with his family either. He explained it away as various reasons and things that they had done. But after we had kids and we visited them a bit more often, it didn’t make sense because they were just normal people. After years of seeing him unable to keep a job and unable to maintain relationships with his family and with friends, it became harder for me to deny that HE was the common denominator in everything and that it wasn’t me after all. I wish I had seen it sooner.
I too tried to split with mine in the early days and he was relentless in calling me (constantly at work, it was embarrassing) and I also felt like it was just easier to believe him and give it another go. I was a fool because eh didn’t and it took me years and years to be free.
I had to get rid of diaries from my youth because he read them and was jealous and kept bringing things up. I had to get rid of photo’s from holidays with old boyfriends for the same reason. I regret all of that now and wish I still had those things but it just seemed easier because he just went on and on. But he had a more colourful past than I did. The hypocrisy!
My ex also lied about lots of things – again little lies – but how can you trust them if they are not honest with you. And they twist things around and swear black is white if it suits the narrative they want to tell you.
23rd January 2024 at 11:46 am #165482Door mouseParticipant
I think how lucky You are to still have your mum to talk to listen to her, My mum has gone not how I wanted to lose her, then I don’t think anyone likes to lose loved one’s relations with my family were Broken and bittersweet I have no one to lean on but happy at a refuge waiting for cancer results, I have to smile at that one and giggled at the thought of drawing on some pension money not a lot but something. All My life I have wondered what it was like to have that normality although everything looked good on the outside it was dead on the inside well what I am trying to say is don’t ignore those flags. follow your first instinct and get out and be happy I left it so long and ended up in a place that was far from home and in complete darkness that is very difficult to get out of and I let it continue for years not even Knowing I was being gaslighted from a young age There are days and triggers where I think life isn’t worth living but they pass with the help of medication I wouldn’t wish on anyone to have seen or gone through what I have you Know I wish you the best for the future and hope you make the right decision I am receiving counselling and for once I am not alone in that darkness anymore and I think back now those intentions might have been good but were wrong nu noo nu noo live long and prosper You can never be too sensitive
23rd January 2024 at 11:47 am #165483Door mouseParticipant
But it always pays to be alot wiser with it too
23rd January 2024 at 4:39 pm #165495SurfergirlParticipant
I am sorry you’re experiencing this and I used to feel the same way – that I was over sensitive and it was all in my head. Turns out it’s not, it’s hard to talk to friends but quite relieving when you can find the courage to do so. I’ve learnt that I’m in an emotionally abusive relationship and basically just constantly used, I do all the housework, paperwork, finances, child care all because he doesn’t understand how things work such as the dishwasher, money annoys him and he doesn’t like reading books so won’t read with the kids.
Keep your head up high, it will take time but keep talking ❤️
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