I can’t trust men

[Saltedcaramel2020]

Hi ladies. I haven’t used these site in over nearly (removed by moderator) years when I left my abuser. This site enabled me to learn about abuse, get support from others and give me the strength to leave. I have been pretty much single since then apart from a fling with an old flame from years back (I got with him as he was a safe person as in I knew he wouldn’t abuse me). I’ve spent a lot of time building myself up and taking care of myself. I’m proud to say that I am happy with the woman I’ve become since my abuse. I excel in my job, I have great friends, I enjoy my hobbies and over all things are good. My issue is that I cannot let my guard down for anyone. I have been on lots of dates and I try to analyse every thing they do. I create red flags when there isn’t any and I have anxiety that an abusive person will slip through. I feel safe alone but on the other hand I’m lonely. I only have a few child bearing years left and I’m scared I won’t have kids. I wasted years of my life when I was with my abuser and I’m still doing it. Even years later. I know I’m stronger than ever but I can’t stop sabotaging any chance of a relationship I have. Can anyone else relate??

[fizzylem]

You sure SC? You sure it is not the case that for one reason or another each of these men either had a red flag or he ‘just wasnt right for you?’. I’m not interested in men at all really, but can imagine what you describe happening to me also, panic and not knowing if what I am seeing is really there. I imagine a different scenario if I was to meet a man, a scenario where we dont really go on dates, more we become friends first, and build up to a date if our feelings for one another grew into this. Feels like less pressure and that it would give me time to really find out about him before taking it to the next level; and give me plenty of space to work this out or get out if I need it. These dates sound excrutiating! And highly pressured and stressful.

There are other ways to have a child; maybe look into the options? Might ease some of the pressure you feel, show you I do have options should this time come, then I can make a decision. It is support we need to raise a child and this can come from a number of places x

[fizzylem]

Dating is like starting out at the starting block, on display, saying yes I am available, looking for a man and interested in you from what I have seen or know so far; whereas friednship is a slow walk up to the starting block, much less stressful, enables you to make a number of decsions before you even get there – no pressure; gives you the space to keep your cards much closer to your chest; its like the info he has from the get go is already too much info and feels uncomfortable, he needs to find out about you first to then establish if he likes you and vice versa. You could be unintentionally setting yourself up to fail a bit here sometimes, or making it harder than it needs to be? x

[fizzylem]

You like what you have now – he will need be right for you hey, otherwise he’s not coming in – you’ve worked hard to get here x

[Escapee]

Hi SC,

Why should you trust them? I agree with Fizzy, go old school. Get to know each other slowly. Is he worthy of you friendship? If not, then he definitely isn’t worthy of your heart xx And if he can’t respect the slow pace then there’s your red flag……respect is everything.

And again, I agree with Fizzy. There are ways to have a family without a dad being around. In fact I found being a single parent much easier – I could focus on my children completely. Having aunts, uncles and grandparents (not necessarily blood relations…..friends and neighbours can become the best extended family!)

[Saltedcaramel2020]

Thank you so much for your kind replies. I never considered being friends first and it makes sense to me. I do love the idea of old fashioned dating which I think has gotten lost a bit with online dating. I have been putting myself under a lot of pressure in relation to dating. I read an amazing book called the mastery of love and I have been learning to love myself. It’s a beautiful book and I really recommend it! My friends tell me there is no way that I will ever attract the same type of man again but my anxiety is high. I hate that he has done this to me. Thank you again for your help. This forum saved my life. I never thought I would need it again under totally different circumstances but I am glad it’s here for me x*x

[Camel]

Hi SC

Well done you for going on lots of dates! That is seriously brave and more than I’ve managed. Where and how are you meeting these men?! It seems to me that you must have something very attractive about you to find yourself in this situation.

Might I suggest you take a step back and look at where you are with fresh eyes? You are a confident, self-assured woman who isn’t willing to compromise. You value your independence and will not relinquish it to a man, just for the sake of being in a relationship.

You could be seeing genuine red flags. Or you could be seeing unacceptable characteristics. Does it matter which? There is no such thing as being ‘too choosy’, particularly after working so hard to get where you are.

Be sure of what you are happy to put up with and draw a clear line. Worry less about trusting men and more about trusting yourself.

Being blunt about children, can you rely on a man to provide his seed as well as security? Even half of non-abusive relationships break down. There’s lots of good advice if you actually crave a baby more than a man.

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