I caved in…

[Alicenotichains]

I am so confused I felt so c**p today, I have tried so hard. Abuser number 1 has been ignoring kids for a week and it was ‘his weekend’ to have them this weekend but we had not heard off him and he didn’t show up at the school- I anticipated this so was there to collect them anyway. And then whilst waiting outside the school with a racing heart wondering if abuser 1 will turn up with the girlfriend who despises me (i am not sure what he has told her but she has sent me vile messages which I always ignore) I have an overwhelming desire to contact abuser number 2 so i phone and text him. He has not responded. I am out of control of my mind. I feel complete panic as if I must speak to him. I feel agitated and out of control. What is happening to me? I spoke to my aunt today who said everyone who goes through a break up feels like this but I don’t think she realises what a mess I am inside. I am an addict, addicted to this one man.

[Confused123]

Hi HUN

NO seperating from an abuser is totally different, i hope abuser 2 did’nt pick the phone up, please post on here whenever u have the temptation to contact the abuser, are u receiving any counselling or do u have a support worker. I am not sure how long u have been out but i find even after (detail removed by moderator) months i get days where is till need support, as just when u think u have got rid of them they reappear trying to get bk inour lives and distrupt our thinking and sanity. Without sounding rude or nosy, what was u hoping to gain by speaking to abuser 2, u have to remeember they can give no support, remind yourself why u left abuser 2 and what can he offer u, i had to tell myself this daily, u practicallly have to train your brain they are bad for u to keep yourself aaway

[Freedom123]

I am experiencing the exact same feelings. Sometimes I try hard to think of why I had to leave amd find myself questioning if it really was that bad. He smashed my house whenever he got angry, smoked weed like a chimley, never helped with the bills and thought I was being pedantic if I asked if he wanted to spend time with his kids. They are almost teenagers and dont even miss him. He was so bad and absent when he lived here they got used to his absence. I got used to sleeping in my own and the cycle of violence became my normal.

[Healthyarchive]

Dear Alice, so sorry to hear you have had a set back. Try not to worry too much, we all have set backs. I broke NC and it was the best thing that i could do as it released me from trauma bonding – BUT – I am further along the line than you are and over the worse of it. I’ve said before that I, together with Escaped not Free had such severe craving, yearning, stress, sadness, depression, doubt, fear, a massive big gaping whole which only the ex could fill. Many women on here have felt the exact same way. But Alice, i am nearly free, i can see him now for what he is, an insecure a*s who only really cant give women what they want in bed, thats about all. When you go NO Contact you go through a whole series and sequence of emotions. You mind find it helpful to look online at the Circle of Grief/Loss. Emotions are so highly up and down at this time. Any contact early on when your still really hurting is likely to be very dangerous. Why dont you read Fuel & No Contact tonight, both books only take an hour each to read, maybe a little bit more. try not to be too hard on yourself though, you may need to do this (contact him) at this point. When me and my ex first split I sent him at least 3 very long emails trying to work it out, together with texts telling him how much I loved and missed him. So I made contact too, as you have done. But that was early when we hadn’t really split. I found that when we both agreed to split that is when I went NC. He now ignores me, hey ho! Have you formerly split with ex no.2? XXXXX

[Alicenotichains]

Thank you ladies. My aunt was trying to help me I think and she said, the thing is you are no different from anyone else during a break up, but she doesn’t understand the toxic allure of abuse and the strangle hold that these men have on you. I think when people normalise how you feel it doesn’t help. Because it is so far from being normal. I’ve gone back into heroin addict mode, I spoke to him, but I won’t tell anyone and if I just carry on as normal nobody will know. His life sounds like it is descending into chaos so I am well out of it. I made the right and rational decision to end things but tonight I have been knocked down by a tsunami of nostalgia, denial and misplaced hope. The secrecy you are forced into, the “why doesn’t she just leave” type attitude from people who don’t understand perpetuates this. I feel like I am inhabiting a secret world within the real world. The pain stopped when we spoke, it was like getting a hit from a drug.

I met this guy in the final year of my mums life as I helped to care for her with a terminal illness. She was quite young. I think I used him to take away the pain of my divorce and my mothers illness and subsequent death and when I let go of him that pain comes rushing out and some days it is more than i feel able to cope with x

[Healthyarchive]

Dear Alice, both myself and Escaped Not Free have been exactly here. It might help you to read some of her older posts, the heroin addiction type craving was unbearable. I’m almost through, (detail removed by Moderator) I’m through Alice and us women can help each other, we are all at different stages. You will have a whole load of s**t in store for you if you go back, after the love bombing has worn off that is.

Be strong if you can. XXXXXXXXXX Try to read our old posts.

[Ayanna]

Hi Alice, are you in contact with your local WA?
You should also speak to your GP for counseling.
There seem to be a few issues you need to deal with.
Grieving for your mother and learning to live with the loss is very difficult and you may not have finished this process. This has an effect on your relationship with the abuser whom you met during that time.
Also, try the Samaritans. Some of them are trained counselors and can give you helpful advice.

Do not be too hard on yourself.
You have recognized the problem.
That is the first step.
Look for professional help and keep posting here.
You will get through this.

[Author]

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