Tagged: narcissistic parents
9th January 2016 at 12:31 pm #7353bubblesParticipant
I went to go see my clairvoyant yesterday. she said everything would come to me with relative ease money job etc however unless i confronted my inner child i would forever be tormented and miserable.
My therapist told me i needed to comfort my inner child too. My mother asked what the clairvoyant said so i told her. She then started telling me how difficult and horrible i was growing up. How i couldn’t be trusted to have friends and a social life because i was so naughty. I was actually quite a good child considering i was starved beaten and ignored. so i said no that is no longer i was a good child do not label me Iv spent time working on myself and seen those labels were not true. so don’t bring that up again. she asked what i meant by working on myself so out of anger i then told her my therapist had said the same thing. I told her all my troubles were rooted from my upbringing. Then asked her what she thought me and my therapist talked about?
This point she went into full on narc mode saying i was exactly the same as all the people who have wronged me in the pasts (aunties who had told me to have abortions etc) how i shouldn’t talk to other people about her and how mental health professionals blame everything on parents.
I tried to defend myself but all i got was a hand up and told she wouldn’t listen another narc trick. The whole argument was all about her! “you’ve just ruined everything i have worked for my whole life” “you can never say anything nice about me” blah blah blah by this point i sighed and said iv ruined your life so this is all about you! never mind the fact iv been through 2 severely abusive relationships one with a man who tried to kill me. everything was about her. My children were in the car too through all this she told them she had finished with them and never wanted to see them again! i informed her my children were separate people and if she wants to hurt me hurt me but do not hurt them! That was very wrong.
I told her how my sister behaves is totally horrible she speaks to me like something she just scraped off her shoe. and told my mum why else was my sister allowed to treat me so grossly! (my sister and i have no bond whatsoever and every time i speak to her it’s like i’m annoying her)
She cried screamed and punched my dashboard and complained how id moaned about her to anyone who would listen. I’d ruined her life work and made all the time she’d ever put into her family pointless.
Throughout all this i brought up the fact i am sick to death of being called lazy. I work over full time hours i am on my own with 2 children with who i have thrown into several after school activities to keep us all busy I start my days at 7am and finally finish running about at 10pm most days. But no matter what i am doing to my parents i am lazy and do nothing everyday!
All i can think when she kept saying over and over again is have i touched a nerve with her? have i ruined how she’s managed to cover up treating me the way she did? is that what she means?
I felt euphoric after getting what iv kept to myself for the last X years to her. Iv held my tongue for so long but today i have woken up angry. I am so angry about how she won’t acknowledge what she’s done I am so angry she tret me the way she did. I am so angry the argument was all about her!
10th January 2016 at 12:06 pm #7410LisaMain Moderator
Really sorry to hear that your mum is not only not being supportive after what you have been through but also that she actively makes you unhappy. It certainly sounds like she’s not a positive influence on you.
I know that it is really difficult when it comes to family but sometimes we just need to make a decision that someone is causing too much damage and it would be better off without their negativity. If she causes that much upset then it is not beneficial for you to see her. After what you have been through you need positive and inspirational people.
I hope you managed to pick yourself up after that terrible interaction with her. You have come so far after everything you have been through with your past abusive relationships. Don’t let your mum cause you to lose focus of that.
11th January 2016 at 12:13 am #7482NewWingsParticipant
Well done girl you are a warrior. Let her ferment in her own witches stew. I think we may have had very similar mothers and I too have a sister who really is a female dog. My mother called me the result of bad genetics, forgeting she is a terrible mother. She used emotional terror to keep us all in check. If she couldn’t boast about us we were of no use. When I ever needed her she was very definitely not there. She has a heart of stone,she rejects anyone who is not up to scratch. The way she used to fawn over her dog made me sick. The family even joked about it. My sister decided to model herself on her and is also a heartless you know what. She knows my struggles and then I found out that for years my ex had been running to her with stories of the dogs life I led him. Tell me who runs away from a happy marriage. I did and it got me in so much trouble. Yet my sister my mother and brother sided with him. Why because he’s such a good actor. Over the hols my sister rang to ask if she could come over. I said yes and made a real effort lovely lunch etc she then basically told me to look after my mum as she was worried about her. This is the same mother who told she hadn’t made plans and talked all round the houses so as not to give an answer. I’m allowed one call per week so the next week for badness I asked again. She sort of giggled it was sickening but I managed to get in got a better offer then for Christmas. Well then the bombshell your sister is coming over and has the use of a flat so I’m going there. I could go on. She used to beat me with a scholl wooden shoe the last time when I was nearly 16. She spent a fortune on clothes for herself whilst I went round in patched jeans I used to darn my own jumpers and things. Every so often she’s flash the cash actually once a year. She’s just like my ex as miserable as sin. She came to me on my sisters wedding day and told me that I wasn’t invited back for the photos as I’d only ruin them. Both of them and my ex are charming in public. In fact one described her as charismatic not a good sign. She told me I was the best and at some point changed her mind. Every conversation turns back to her, so I usually sit listening to tails of how wonderful she is at bridge. She never asks how I am. My New Years resolution get on with my life and focus even more on the kids. My sister can take her to live with her in her new palace and they can be ice witches together. I would love to have the courage to do what you did. My god did your mum have it coming. I’m glad you got it out there the more I read on narcs I realise they can spot a potential victim from yards off. My Mum groomed me for my ex, I had no idea how to behave around men and she gave me no advice apart from don’t go bed hopping as I’ve brought up my children and I won’t bring up yours. I was 17. I realised that the majority of males I’ve been involved with were narcs. Blimey this was longer than expected. It’s laughable that she calls you a lazy mum. More projection. They always have to pass around the sick bucket. My mother thinks she’s a Saint she put my Dad in the funny farm for a while, made up some story about him beating her. Lies and more dammed lies. My father was a lovely man I don’t he knew the half of it until the end. I always jumped for men too quickly now if I ever find myself in that position,I’ll play it cool. You are my hero,I don’t know you but I feel I do a little. Happy New You. Well done.
11th January 2016 at 12:31 am #7484SerenityParticipant
I remember watching a You Tube clip a few months back, of an abusive mother, who was going into full rant mode, putting down everything her daughter was. It was heartbreaking.
Sounds as if you have just experienced this too. An abuser furious that they are being stood up to, all the perceived injustices ( they like being victims- especially when confronted about their behaviour) all coming pouring out.
Note how she doesn’t apologise for what she did- just for the fact you told people about it. They want their behaviour kept secret.
My counsellor pit a cushion in front of me and told me to pretend it was me as a child. Yes, sounds a bit crazy! She told me to tell that child I loved her. It took me weeks to be able to do it- but when I finally did, I meant it.
I hope 2016 is the year that you break off a bit from your family, find the strength not to go on holiday with them, tell them to not interfere in your parenting and tell them you are only willing to be in contact with them if they are respectful to you.
Abusers abuse if they think they can get away with it. Show them they can’t.
I stood up to my mum last year. It was groundbreaking. She is much more respectful to me now. I hope your mum learns too. If not, keep her at arm’s length. You deserve to be treated only with kindness and. Respect X
11th January 2016 at 10:02 am #7503bubblesParticipant
Thank you ladies and New wings it does sound very similar. However the “golden children” of these narcissistic parents do tend to come off worse. They are more dependant on the narc and unlikely to see what has gone on around them. I am in no doubt i am far better off than my sister who is older than me extremely overweight, constantly on medication for depression and still lives with her parents.
My father beat me on my mothers orders i believed he was an abusive man and actually forgave my mum at one point for her ill treatment as i thought abuse can make us do horrible things. But the more i read he’s not abusive he’s no more than a flying monkey, her little helper. The last time my father beat me i was 20!
I started receiving texts last night. Threats and her basically loosing her temper telling me she hadn’t told my father yet but when she does it won’t be good for me. I text back saying i’m extremely angry with her still and quite rightly so! I need some time to cool off and decide the best level of contact with her for my childrens sake. Also if she actually told the truth about what happened to my dad there should be no reason for him to be angry with me. And if he does become violent the police will be told and contact will cease with the kids as they cannot go to see people who batter their mother. The reply was your father would never be violent how could you think that i just didn’t want you to feel we were ganging up on you. (I received some pretty nasty texts from my sister yesterday so the ganging up has already started)
Serenity i did get an apology it was along the lines of maybe i acted over protective but only because i love my family so much ha ha ha not much of an apology. It’s good you stood up to yours do you keep her at arms length still? I feel that by standing up to her i have comforted my inner child a bit i have defended her and said what i would’ve loved to have said back then she will be proud of me! Hugging her doesn’t really work for me she doesn’t want sympathy she wants protecting and standing up for.
I have just ordered the will i ever be good enough book the lundy books helped masses when struggling over the exes. so i thought id give this a go. It’s so nice to feel i’m not the only one. My inner child seems to be finding allot of friends who also seem to have gone through the same.
I was groomed too new wings its affected me masses. I struggle to make friends i feel awkward in anyones company. I struggle to act authoritative and mature in some ways. I had abusive relationships because it was normal for me. They groom us for these men then slate the men for treating us the way they do. Everything she said hurt me masses because it was like she was undoing everything my therapist has done to help me. Iv realised how much iv kept from her in my mental journey. I think it must of felt like i had dropped an atomic bomb on her with the knowledge she didn’t know i had.
I have spoken to the children who spend allot of time at grandmas and said i would like you to come home earlier than what they usually do so we can spend time together. Im going to break them away slowly. I do not want to loose my children when they grow up my mum is grooming them as the golden children and i have had to warn my daughter on several occasions when in my mothers company that her attitude is not nice and not a good way to treat her mother and she’s snapped back out of it!
Does anyone else with narc parents feel a bit disappointed that they will never have a mother or siblings who are close to them? I feel like i’v missed out on something when i see other families and it’s not a nice feeling. I’d love for my sister to treat me with respect and as a friend. I’d love to have a mother who i was close with and that will never happen. When i see families on the telly i think “thats not normal families don’t act like that” when realistically they do it’s my distorted view. I’ll see a mum hug her adult daughter and give her a kiss and think whoa that’s strange.
Luckily I don’t think my upbringing has affected me as a mother. When reflecting on my past i do show higher than average levels of empathy. I encourage my children to be close to each other and would love to see them grown, happy and successful.
Thank you x
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.