I could not fix him

[Couldnttakenomore]

I just can’t stop thinking I did wrong by being supportive and helping him threw issues. I even forgive and understood why he attacked me. I know as I am writing this I am wrong. I just have an overwhelming feeling to help and protect him. Police are looking for him and I wanna beg him not hate me. I am currently in refuge with some of the most amazing women I’ve ever met. We sit and laugh,cry,comfort each and just talk. These woman are strong and brave and I feel so weak because I feel so sorry for my ex and still have a lot of affection towards him. The violence I received was brutal he explained it away by saying it was the pssion of how much he loved me. I am so confused just wanna feel my old self again

[EbonyRaven]

Hi I’m glad to hear that you got safe. Your mind must be going through so many things right now, it’s great that you have supportive people around to talk to.
You are brave and strong too, you’ve taken that first step.
Take your time to allow yourself to heal. Give yourself that space, and continue to work on yourself.
Stay away from him, you don’t need his forgiveness, you have done nothing to deserve what he did to you. Love and passion don’t cause anyone to be brutal.

[Tiffany]

You could not fix him because he didn’t want to be fixed. My abuser also had serious issues, both with his mental health and in his past. I excused his behaviour for years because I understood how difficult things were for him and he too said his love and passion for me was why he was so volatile. The fact of the matter was that he didn’t love me enough to stop hurting me. He would rather hurt me than deal with his issues. There is nothing you as the victim can do about that.

[Anonymous]

I agree with Tiffany. He just doesn’t want to be fixed. My abuser is the same. Read Lundy Bancroft’s book, “Why Does He Do That?” It really helps with this sort of issue.

[Whereibelong]

Unfortunately we cannot help someone that doesn’t want to be helped. I learnt this with my abusive ex.

I felt the exact same way you did when I left, but after he denied everything to the police I lost the sympathy.

They didn’t feel sorry for us or care for us when they abused us, just try and remember that.

This is the time for you. You have been through so much and deserve to focus all your attention and energy on yourself.

Stay strong x*x

[Ayanna]

I am glad you are safe.
Women are not rehabilitation centers for badly raised men.
It was not your task to fix him.
What you say about him reminds me of my ex abuser.
They all have such enormously silly reasonings. He did it because he was so passionate…..
Did he also say he loved you too much … Looool.
If he had loved you he would have never ever hurt you.
I heard the same nonsense.
None of what has happened was your fault.
It is his responsibility.
He is an adult. He does not need anyone to protect him.
What he needs is to be punished for what he has done to you.
Stay strong.
You deserve better and you have taken the right steps.

[sweet freedom]

I agree with what everyone has said and maybe its time to ‘fix you’ and concentrate on yourself and healing yourself. I do understand – at one time you adored this man I remember the early days of my relationship when we were very much in love – it was very brief until what I now realise were subtle coercive behaviour installing itself. No one who loves someone would ever hurt them, these men want to dominate, control and hurt us, thats not love, thats something twisted and bad. Let it go and start looking out for yourself.

[Anonymous]

Hi there,
I just wanted to echo what the other posters have said. It was not your job to fix him sweetheart, he is an adult who CHOSE to act the way he did. This is not your fault nor is it your responsibility to make him better.

I know how hard it is, but direct that healing inward, towards your own heart and mind. It will do so much more there.

They condition us to feel the way we do – don’t let him take any more of your life. Give yourself some time to feel better and then perhaps find some counselling.

Hugs

TTMO

[Author]

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