19th April 2016 at 11:38 pm #14571
I can’t stand this. The pain is just unbearable. I want him to get help and tell me he’s sorted himself out. We can have the life he promised me. He’s away with a girl “friend” this weekend, had her staying at my house I’m told. I’m heartbroken. I know I couldn’t live with him treating me like he did but I’m not sure he realised what he was doing. Everyone tells me every move is carefully calculated. I want to not care, I want to even be angry but all I feel is hurt. The most unbearable debilitating hurt. How do u move on? How do you get the man who told you he was your soulmate out if your head.i want him to be the man he pretended. I know rationally that’s not him but I think it maybe is who he wanted to be. I just couldn’t help him be that man. Everyone tells me it was a manipulative and an act. My head is a mess. I need to go back to work and I’m barely getting through each day without a total breakdown. The physical and emotional pain of it is like nothing I ever thought I could live through.
19th April 2016 at 11:56 pm #14575AyannaParticipant
That is because you genuinely loved him, maybe you still love him. Until today you did not give up hope.
When will you realize that you dream of something that is an illusion?
He gave you the illusion of a soulmate and that fueled your entire being until today.
You need to separate yourself from fantasy.
See him as the monster that he is. Write down everything what he did to you. Write down how he made you feel, how he destroyed your life.
Turn on your survival instincts and switch into strategic warfare mode. He tries to destroy you.
You need to get up, shake the dust off yourself and fight harder than you ever did in your entire life to get the life that you deserve.
Did you ever think what you actually deserve? You deserve a house of your own, that is filled with love and light. You deserve happiness and inner peace.
You did not deserve any of the spiteful acts that he committed against you and your children.
Make him pay dearly for his evil actions.
You have this strength to defeat him and to pull yourself out of the misery. All women can do this. We are stronger than men in this respect.
Fight, fight fight! Do not give up! You do not need a low creature like this in your precious life!
Take a few deep breaths, straighten up, make a fist and tell yourself that you will never give in to this injustice!
I send you strength, sister!
Fight for your rights! x*x
19th April 2016 at 11:58 pm #14576Confused123Participant
I know it doesn tfeel like ti right now, but with time it does get easier, we r so desperate for them to change but they dont, admitting that hurts us too but it is truth, we’d rather go in denial then admit they treated us wrong. They destroy all our confidence and self esteem, in time we have to learn to love ourselves again, dont give him permission to do this to u, walk away and keep walking , it is the only way they will learn, we could give them million of chances they will just up the abuse and still not stop, you are going through trauma bonding, again as haard as it is go no contact this will speed process up to cut him off. MY ex too said i was his soul mate, they are just sick, i find counselling helps me, you have mixture of good and bad days, depends what triggers us offso dont be hard on yourself, part of it means accepting they were abusers
20th April 2016 at 12:15 am #14579StarmoonParticipant
I completely understand how you’re feeling. I feel exactly the same. He sucked you in. Played on your weaknesses. Told you what you have always longed to hear. My ex also told me I was the love of his life, that he’d die without me. It kills me to think of him with anyone els. I think I would die if I saw him moving on.. They are like a drug to us.
I really have banged on and on about this book ‘the abusive relationship by Patricia Evans’ but it’s the first thing I’ve read that’s really struck a cord. It’s only been a week since we split and a day since the last drama. After what he did to me yesterday I never want to see him again… But I still feel all those feelings at the same time and if he came back telling me he’d realized his mistake id find it so hard not to believe him… But he would be lying!
Honestly read the book because it’s made me finally see things a little clearer! X*x
20th April 2016 at 12:20 am #14581
Thank you, everyone. I’ve read the book. I so appreciate your words. My rational side knows what this is but my emotional side is crippling me. The grief is crippling me. The more I read the more I see he fits the n********t personality totally. It just doesn’t take away any of the pain I’m left with though. It’s so hard to explain x
20th April 2016 at 4:20 am #14582SerenityParticipant
“After what he did to me yesterday, I never want to see him again.”
That is so how I suddenly felt one day, after he had proved himself capable of the worst imaginable, and how he told lies about me to those in authority.
I went from complete trauma-bonding to realising what a dangerous and corrupt monster he was. I have still had the odd day after that when I can’t believe it’s true and feelings of nostalgia kick in, but I quickly came back to reality.
I, too, feel that I never want to say one word to him ever again until the day I die. I am not tempted to break contact at all.
I know it probably won’t help, Escaped not Free, because we each need to go through the process ourselves and come to own our own truth, but I hope the fact that Starmoon, after all her questioning and self-blame, and that I too feel like this, will go some way to helping you come to this realisation too: that despite us initially missing them so much that it feels we can’t carry on, and despite our exes blaming us or minimising their own abuse and making us question our own goodness, that they are just lying.
That in the moments when they have been cruel and abusive, that that is the real them: all the ‘kinder’ moments are an act, put on for selfish motives, that those ugly moments are the true monster beneath, and that monster is capable of such cruelty- not just towards us, but towards anyone- that the best thing is to keep away from them, and that we have been given a gift by the universe by being able to get away from them!
Trauma-bonding is a real, chemical reaction and it is pointless people telling you to ‘get over it’ as it needs working through.
But believe me, this time next year the truth of who he is will have hit you.
They have shown you who they really are: believe them.
20th April 2016 at 10:15 am #14606AyannaParticipant
Serenity, I reacted the same. One day I snapped. And I never snapped back. I feel nothing for this cockroach ever since and I was determined to fight him in court. I never grieved for him.
20th April 2016 at 10:33 am #14610
Thank you, all of you. I’ve done a lot of reading. I’ve looked at the cycle and recognise I’m stuck in it, don’t know how to process through it. WA told me I was on a priority list for counselling this week but I’ve heard nothing back. (detail removed by Moderator) That’s the last thing I needed to see today. He never hit me. He was physically dominant. I think emotionally and psychologically abusive although now I’m wondering if I just overreacted if it’s me with some sort of mental illness unrelated to him. All my friends keep telling me that’s rubbish that they’ve watched this go in to a greater or lesser extent oyr whole relationship. I do know that in a few short months of living with him I went from single mother of three, holding down a very responsible job to someone who cried in the supermarket car park at the overwhelming feeling of having to do a food shopping and it being wrong. But then I’d turn to him and tell him how I felt and he’d tell me he was worried about me because I wasn’t coping. Then he’d get angry if I talked to other people about how anxious I was and that I couldn’t talk to him. I tried to talk to him about what his behaviour and manner had done to us to me, but he just said we were supposed to be moving on from that, and blamed me for not letting things go. I was trying to make him see that I was still living with and trying to process the hurt he had caused me and I couldn’t just switch those emotions off and go back to how it normally was after he’d said sorry, done the grand gesture thing. He said I made him angry because I didn’t give him a shred of hope that I still lived him. I told him all the time but I was so on edge around him that when I’d wait for him to cuddle me before I’d reciprocate. I just felt numb and he just kept looking to suck more from me. When I took the kids out of the house to my mums all his communications were about him. He didn’t care that my son spent his birthday sleeping on a sofa, he didn’t once ask how I was coping being away from the house. He just sent more and more emotionally blackmailing texts, muxed in with really normal stuff like nothing had happened. He seemed to have the ability to rip my heart to shreds then act as though it was nothing afterwards. I asked for space and he used my phone to track and follow me. I asked the police to have a word, get him to back off and give me some breathing space but they charged him and bailed him to our home. (detail removed by Moderator) so I could get the kids home to their stuff, their bedrooms etc. The younger two miss their old house. Nothing I can do to fix that, I feel horrendous guilt but nothing I can do to change it now. Just the thought of making dinner though seems like climbing Everest at the moment. I feel like I’m walking through treacle just to get through each day. The worst of it is I crave him, like one of you said, like a drug. Like if I can just get my fix from him, if he can hold me, and tell me it’ll be different, it’ll be fine then I’d get that brief feeling back that it will be. My family mean well but my mothers constant negative talk if him, and the pleasure they are taking i. (detail removed by Moderator) He says I’ve portrayed him as a wife b****r, but nothing has been further from the truth. To my three very close girl friends I’ve poured out my heart and perished that he would get help to deal with the reasons he behaves this way. I’ve spoken to nobody else. I’m scared to leave the house as we live in a small town and everyone is desperate for gossip. He’s the one that’s been making people treat me like the l***r, saying everything was made up. I now feel like I’m going mad, like I maybe have just blown this up in my head. I can’t make sense of anything anyone. I want to be Armstrong fir my kids and I don’t know where to get it from. I was supposed to be with this man til the end of our days I thought. Everything has been taken from me, my whole future. We had so many wonderful intense days/moments. X
20th April 2016 at 10:34 pm #14722
As am I. I hope you get there soon. (detail removed by moderator) weeks and I’m still in this hell. Although a reality check in the way of an email detailing all the lies he told to the sherif was a reality check. Still feeling the void but really, what a complete and utter monster. And what’s wrong with me that I think I should be with that monster? That I need that to complete me? It’s nuts! X
20th April 2016 at 11:16 pm #14725BellaParticipant
I can totally relate to how you all feel, it takes time, and an understanding of what makes these men tick. Im six months clear now, however, my abuser is now out of prison, and has now consulted a solicitor, so I am about to start the legal fight of my life. However there is this part of me that wishes he was sorry and that he had sought help, but I know he won’t. What really helped explain things was a book by…Lundy Bancroft titled ‘Why does he doo that?’. It makes no excuses for any controlling or abusive behaviour. I definatly recommend reading it when you feel lost. It really helped me.
Good luck things do get easier with time I promise. X*x
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