I desperately WANT to leave, every day it hurts more and more. But need my pets

[M1dn1ght]

Hi! I am new here. But I need to get it out of me even if it’s anonymously with a hope to find help. I don’t even know where to begin, I want to write here so much, but it’s hard to put everything into words. Sorry in advance for this whole essay here, but I hope somebody can help me out here or just give any advice, because I’m losing my last hopes now.
Not as most women here, myself and the man I live with we don’t have any kids, but we have pets.
We been together for quite a few years now so it’s not a new relationship. Since the beginning of the relationship there was a constant emotional abuse and control over every tiny bit in my life from what I wear, what I can or cannot do, playing mind games with me and manipulating. But I was dumb enough not to pick on that and always thought that’s what a ‘normal’ relationship was like. It’s embarrassing because I know I let that person to control me in every single way, I ALLOWED THAT. It was always the case of calling me nasty names with an excuse later on ‘I said it because I was angry’ and I believed that every time. Years later it started developing into a very bad physical abuse, where it got me to the point that I am truly terrified of this person. And for the past month I keep thinking of ways I can leave. And I wanted/tried couple times, but both times returned back. But I know I am ready to do that for good now. I know that because difference from the last couple times I do not feel any guilt about leaving, I do not think about how that person will do without me. Even just imagining my life away from this person makes me feel so good inside as if a massive weight would be lifted of my chest. I lost all my friends (didn’t have many to begin with.) I can’t tell my family at the moment for my own safety, and as bad as it sounds I do not want any police involved. I just want to get away.

Problem is, my finances are terrible, with all the debt I’m in because of that person. But I managed to start secretly saving up money little by little (not much so far) that I keep it outside the house in case of an emergency. I have a rough plan on how I will be leaving, but what stops me to do this today is my pets.
I will not be leaving them with this person because I know they will not be looked after. And because I don’t have a car too I cannot take the (removed by moderator) and just bring the pets with me. I tried contacting local pet authorities but nobody can help to even look after them for me for couple days (I would get money to pay for that of course) until I can get to the place where I want to leave and get them transported or something to me. I just don’t know what to do because every night think about collecting few clothes, all documents, pack my pets and just walk out. But Where do I go in the middle of the night with them, without a car? I could take a taxi but where? Where do I leave them temporarily when I have NO ONE to ask. I just love them too much to abandon them or give them up.

Every day I just sink more and more into a depression. I just need HELP. Please somebody advice me what could I do. I don’t want to stay here anymore, but I don’t want to leave my pets. I am tired of constantly feeling scared, I already lost all of my self-esteem, I do feel worthless sometimes. I just want to feel happy again, feel like myself, do what I like. For the past couple years I just keep pretending to someone that I’m not. I have to agree with things I don’t like and definitely don’t agree with, but I learned to do it just to avoid that person starting a fight and abusing me again. All I do now is secretly when I’m alone I just cry, because I feel so stuck and sometimes think I will never be able to get out, no matter how much I want to.

I wrote an email to womens aid yesterday. All that time I was typing I had tears in my eyes, I keep checking the email to see if I got a reply with a hope to find an advice or some support in that email.
I can’t call, because my phone and all social media is constantly being checked. So I created an email under fake name while I was at work. That’s the only way I can communicate safely.
Every time I find a safe minute, I keep reading this forum with hope to find a solution of how to get out.

Sorry again for such a long text, but I’m loosing all my hope here.

[Wants To Help]

Hi Midnight,

I’m so sorry to read this. As an animal lover myself I fully understand and share your concerns and it’s so sad there are so few pet fostering services available for situations like yours. Can you private message me the type and number of animals you have (if you put it on here publicly it will get redacted) and I’ll have a think of some options. I have a couple of ideas to mind.

Your concerns about leaving them are so valid. There was a lady on here who posted that her abuser had her two dogs put to sleep at the vets after she left him and she was so devastated, as were we to read it.

Please understand you are not worthless, you are full of worth. You are doing your very best in an awful situation. I hope that between us on here we can come up with some ideas or answers to help you.

xx

[M1dn1ght]

I have sent you a private message.
And thank you so much for replying!! You don’t even understand how much it means to me to know that someone would even consider taking as little as a minute just to think of ideas to help me get out of this situation. It’s just getting harder and harder everyday. With each day I just feel more terrified and just waiting on whenever he snaps again and I know if that happens it might be very bad this time. As he’s been holding it for a while now. But it makes me even more scared, when I see the eyes full of rage and hate.

[Wants To Help]

I’ve responded x

[Lisa]

Hi M1dn1ght,

First, welcome to the forum. I’m glad you managed to find the time and a safe way for you to communicate here, so I hope you get all the help you are looking for. No doubt, many of the women here will completely relate to what you are going through at the moment.
This is a crucial time for you to get information and support as you sound very ready to leave the relationship. Please do not be hard on yourself for staying as we know that statistically, it can take a woman on average 6 to 7 attempts to leave an abusive relationship permanently. You also have some valid concerns about how you can leave safely while also considering the needs of your pets.
First good step can be talking to your local domestic abuse service, who can go over all your options in leaving and safety plan with you. Ask them about refuge as an option, which is emergency safe housing for women fleeing domestic abuse.
There are pet fostering schemes that work alongside refuges, that will take in your pets while you are in a refuge. Once you have left the refuge and have moved into your permanent housing, they will be reunited with you. The two main pet fostering schemes in the UK are Dog’s Trust Freedom project for dogs and Paws Protect for cats. Perhaps try speaking to them to get assurance and clarity on how the service works.
I hope this helps. Do keep posting and remember you are not alone in this.
All the best,

Lisa

[iliketea]

Another place to check are boarding kennels or Catteries. They helped a lot of women escaping domestic abuse over lockdown, and local vets will also know who fosters animals in your local area. There are lots of people who do it informally. Your local domestic abuse support agency might also be able to help. Contact them anyway as they can also help you if you don’t have a car.
An idea for an exit with your pets is to say you have a vets appointment and the DA agency could arrange a taxi (they have funding to pay) so you could say you’re taking a cab to the vets. Then leave. Best of luck, keep posting, and asking. X*x

[iliketea]

You’ll get there, you’re half way there already by recognising what you’re experiencing. Big hug. X*x

[M1dn1ght]

Thank you so much for you support x

Unfortunately saying I will take a cab is not really an option because even though I don’t own a car anymore but he does, and our vets are too far to be taking a cab and because of that it would look suspicious to him. So either he would drive me there or I would have to take his car.

[Chickadee]

Hi –

The mind c**p – confuses the mind.

You did not allow this – no person in their right mind would!

You are not dumb – you are loving.

Stop blaming yourself.

You do not need to apologize for babbling, or long posts, we all get what you are going through. This is a safe place to come talk.

Your ready to do this, it is so great! You can do this!

Skimming the replies to you I see that a couple of people have responded helping get you to a safe place and for that of your animals.

Stay Safe/Prayers, Chickadee

[M1dn1ght]

Thank you so much for your support. x*x

It is so hard when they get into your head so much that sometimes you do start to wonder if all those things are true. I know they are not and it’s only his way of trying to bring me down as much as he can and make me feel like a worthless piece or s**t. But it still hurts and messes up with my head.
I am still stuck in this house, as I still don’t know what to do with my pets, but I hope I will find a solution soon because I don’t know how long I can live like this.

[Author]

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