I did it again.

[Mime]

I’m so frustrated with myself… I caused another situation and I wish I hadn’t. It started over a stupid thing that I get anxious and resentful about- I get up very early every day to get myself and our child ready while he stays in bed for hours. Sometimes I’m pretty sure he is watching porn and I hate it, and its worse because I’m getting hardly any sleep, then up early everyday while he’s in bed doing this. It makes me feel terrible and I wish it didn’t but it really does.

So that happened (detail removed by moderator) – it made him angry that I was questioning him and he got aggressive (not violent) but shouting and swearing at me, like he does.

I said(detail removed by moderator) (I should’ve left it) and he carried on getting angry and denying he was doing anything, so I said (detail removed by moderator).

He got really angry then and shouted some more – called me names. Why couldn’t I just have left it alone? I’ve made everything a mess again. He’s saying its all me causing these problems and I’m crazy etc – he’ll almost certainly not speak to me now for at least a few days.

I didn’t have to say anything – why do I even care what he’s up to in the mornings – I could get on with my day and forget about it but instead I’ve made another problem and he’ll be nasty for days and days – its almost guaranteed.

I’ll almost certainly cry and beg for forgiveness when I can’t take the nastiness anymore, why do I do this to myself? I know I should shut up and put up, because anything else ends in this hell, but I I blurt things out, when I know I should leave well alone because the results are so much drama – because of his anger and temper – I can’t say a thing without him getting angry and then punishing me for days on end. But I know this, so why do I do it? I’m so annoyed with myself, I’ve let myself down again.

[Eggshells]

You’re in a lose lose. He wants you to shut up and not dare to say anything again, the anger is designed to ensure that. If you don’t say anything You’re stuck with your exhausting routine whilst he ….. !

Whichever route you choose, you lose.

So don’t beat yourself up over this, because it’s not your fault. It’s just designed to make it feel like it’s your fault. He knows exactly what he’s doing, it’s completely contrived. Please remember that! xx

[Mime]

Thank you Eggshells, I honestly never thought of it that way! To think it is contrived helps a lot because I know then it’s not all down to me – and it fits exactly with his character.

Now when he gives me the silent treatment. I shall think to myself ‘contrived’! I hope it gets me through. Strategies help. I think I need more strategies ! Xx

[Anonymous]

Mime stop blaming yourself, if he’s swearing and calling you names at the slightest thing or attacking you cos you’ve called him out on something and his being defensive about it, he is being disrespectful, he’s meant to be your partner and supportive a lot of us that have been in/ are in abusive situations don’t really know what a “normal” relationship looks like and we accept less than, a few of us have come from abusive/ dysfunctional family’s so it kind of makes sense, I am sorry your going through this and it does sound like your single handily doing the work of a single parent, just have a think whether you even need this person in your life, communication is really important, if he can meet you halfway it would be ok but sometimes resentment can build up to an extent where you either blow up or just switch off, but you do have choices 💜🧡❤️

[nbumblebee]

Mime dont blame yourself you have every right to voice an opinion in a normal relationship you certainly would. You have done nothing wrong. I do get how you are feeling though some days I can argue and question back i feel a little fire inside me that makes me want to question him then afterwards as you I wish i hadnt. He is the one in the wrong not you. Stay safe sweetie xx

[ISOPeace]

I completely agree with the other answers on here. He has deliberately created a lose lose situation for you. This is how he maintains control over you. You didn’t create this situation, he did. If you kept quiet 1. you accept the cost of living a life with no voice, which is hugely damaging to your wellbeing, and 2. he’ll just find something else to get angry about, because he uses anger to show you how powerful he is. Ironically, whether you say something or not, 1. is still true because however much you voice your opinion, it isn’t listened to, that’s another way he maintains control.

Sadly abusers put us in impossible positions to keep us flailing in hurt and confusion. It works out brilliantly for them, because not only do they get what they want, but they make us feel weaker and weaker, which makes us more compliant. Whatever you do, you cannot stop his abusive behaviour. You’ll beg for his forgiveness because he’s convinced you that you have to do that to stay safe. It’s part of the trauma bond. It’s ok if you need to do that to stay safe while you’re with him.

What’s really sad is to hear you beat yourself up for trying to assert your needs. I know what an impossible position you’re in and I know that you’re 100% doing your best. It is healthy to assert your needs. You did absolutely nothing wrong. And yet because an abuser believes he has the right to trample your needs so that his own are met, you are left thinking that you were wrong to assert your needs. Abuse messes with our heads so badly.

Just do the best you can in any given moment. Whatever you do will be wrong as far as he’s concerned, so try to decide what’s best for you. It doesn’t even matter if you get it wrong. By training yourself to focus on your own needs you take a bit of power back every time. Where attention goes energy flows…. Sending love xxxx

[Mime]

Thank you Eggshells, Auriel, nbumblebee and ISOpeace for your lovely and thoughtful replies. I hope you don’t think its strange but I’ve read all your replies over several times today (at least) – to help keep me grounded, as much as I can be.

Your words, insights and kindness have kept me going – I’m full of anxiety now he’s doing the silent treatment – this is my worst fear. I’ve posted about it in ‘having a bad day’ also.

I knew he would, because he always does, but it makes me feel like I’m losing my mind, or falling down a dark hole, or something that I can’t describe. I don’t want to disrespect anyone who is experiencing violence, but I’ve been at the receiving end of violence, broken ribs and bruises etc (not in this relationship) but this honestly is worse for me, personally.

I’m sorry not to be stronger – I feel weak and ashamed, because this silent treatment is so surreal, I feel I’m losing my mind. Its like that dream where you scream but no sound comes out.

I’m honestly not like this day to day – I have an ok job, my colleagues like and respect me. I have friends (not so many now because he makes it a problem if I see or speak to friends). But I feel very alone.

I thought of calling the helpline but I don’t feel entitled to because he doesn’t hit me. But I’ve been hit before (a lot) and honestly this is worse for me, maybe not for everyone, I know each circumstance is particular to the person, but for me, this honestly feels worse. This is a kind of psychological torture that is cruel and prolonged and the darkness it takes me to is like a waking nightmare.

[Anonymous]

🤗🤗💗💗

[Darknessallaround]

Mime, I read your first post here and could so relate to it. Different situation, but same outcome. I asserted my needs a while ago over something that was really important to me, and was met with alternating rage and silent treatment, which went on for days.

It’s like the fear of what might happen can be worse than the fear of knowing what will happen. Sorry I’m not explaining this very well, but I totally get what you mean. Psychological manipulation just messes with your head, makes you doubt reality. Just wanted to show some support, you are not on your own.

[Lisa]

Hi Mime,

I’m sorry you are having such a difficult time at the moment. It’s understandable, as that is what his ‘silent treatment’ is designed to do; to create confusion and self-doubt.
You’ve had many helpful replies that completely validate your experience. Please know that you are absolutely entitled to all the specialist help you can get right now. Do call your local domestic abuse service and have a good, one-to-one chat with them about all that you are feeling. Perhaps this can give you some clarity and help you move forward. You can search for your local service here.
Also, you could try calling Supportline who offer confidential emotional support to reach people before they get to “crisis” point. They offer support by telephone, email and post. They work with callers to develop healthy, positive coping strategies, an inner feeling of strength and increased self-esteem to encourage healing, recovery and moving forward with life. They also keep details of counsellors, agencies and support groups throughout the UK. They cover a wide range of issues, including domestic abuse. They can also refer locally. You can contact them on 01708 765200, or visit their website at http://www.supportline.org.uk.
I hope this is useful to you. Do keep posting to let us know how you are getting on.

Lisa

[Brunette3]

I am in the same boat! it is so awful 🙁

[Author]

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