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I left!!! I still can’t believe it and I am still having moments of doubt and tears and frustration but more than anything I am so so proud of myself for taking this huge step and coming to the refuge.
He is obviously denying all knowledge of ever being abusive and is swinging between telling me he’ll always love me and doesn’t know how we got to this point, to saying why am I even in a refuge when it’s for abused women and I must have told some lies to get here. He’s glad I’ve gone and we should have done it sooner etc etc.
But the amazing thing is… I don’t have to deal with him!!! I can just ignore my phone and there’s absolutely nothing he can do about it and it feels great.
I know there is still a long road ahead but for now I’m making the most of the peace.
Just felt like sharing here because if I hadn’t read all of your posts and stories I wouldn’t have left. So thank you everyone for being so open and honest about your experiences ❤️❤️❤️
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Hi Thisisthestart
Just to say well done to such a difficult thing to do, you did it! you have broken away from him, and like you say, you don’t have to deal with him anymore. Sounds like you are still having contact to know how he’s feeling, so make sure to cut all that,block his calls, and don’t look back. Keep looking forward, he is behind you now, keep him firmly in your past.
Make the mostof the peace and support on hand to help you with your next steps.
Again, well done!
warmest wishests
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Oh well done! Hold tight for the rollercoaster that is to come, but as the days, weeks, months go by you will gain strength and increasingly realise what a monumental thing you have done and be able to pat yourself on the back. There will be rough patches, you know that, but have faith in your own actions and come back here in moments of doubt.
You are amazing and you are strong – good on you!
X
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Thank you everyone! I honestly don’t feel I would have done it if it wasn’t for you all.
I am under no illusion it will be plain sailing, he has gone back to being nice but sad and pathetic now to try and make me feel guilty but I’m staying strong! He wouldn’t give me the satisfaction of asking me to come back but he knows what he’s doing but luckily so do I!
It’s strange because I can’t actually imagine going back and being with him at all, the thought of even kissing him or cuddling him just feels alien. I wasn’t expecting that at all. Last time I left I was sad and missed him so much but this time I don’t at all.I am struggling with knowing what to do about contact with the children though! This is the worst part for me. Everything I do is for them, I put up with him for years when I thought it was only me who was being affected by it. When it became clear to me that it was having an effect on them, that is what made me leave. So deciding what to do now is so hard!!!
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Hi again, and good to hear back from you, you sound to have already made those cuts to emotional ties, and psychologically broken free of him, and yes, it can take the longest time to see through his ‘great dad’ act, and that comes as a shock.
The system defaults to a father having access, and the same applies to an abusive father from what I’ve seen, but happy to be proven wrong and that things have changed.
A prohibitive steps order is a good way to go to ensure he can’t simply take the kids frm school or anything. Are they going to same school, or have to change now you’ve moved, as that might no longer apply.
Ask the children what they want and stand by them, support them in their choices, being honest about why you have all left, they will also find it hard, potentially, to detach emotionally from him,especially if they are on social media and he is into emotional blackmail and can reach them this way.
They mustn’t post updates to SM in case it gives away your location to him.
Speak with your worker about whats best to do to keep them safe from their father in terms of contact. They often have access to solicitor sessions, which you could do well to access. Just take your time, and don’t feel pressured to rush into any decision quickly, give yourself time and space to think things through carefully now.
warmest wishes
ts
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Congratulations on being strong , this is your life now , embrace it & be happy as others have said you will have good & bad days , long road ahead of you , please surround yourself with lots of support & look into a restraining order . Good luck with everything x*x
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Congratulations and well done. I’m in total awe of your strength and bravery. I’m hopeful I will find that strength soon too. Living for years like that is not easy and takes a huge toll. I’ve had those responses too in my attempts to leave and its so difficult to not listen. But your doing fantastice. Take care of yourself. Wishing you good luck with every little step forward now x*x
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Thanks everyone. It’s so nice to come on here and read everyone’s supportive words and advice.
I’m doing ok but have felt a little flat the last couple of days.
I think it’s partly that I feel stuck. I’m in the refuge with the children while he is seemingly unaffected by it all. I was a stay at home mum and he has a good job so I feel like I won’t achieve anything and he’s got the world at his feet. Nothings changed in that sense. I don’t mean to sound melodramatic or anything but that’s just how I’m feeling right now.
On top of that he’s told me his wage has dropped which I don’t believe. He’s self employed so can basically pay himself whatever he wants, so this means the maintenance payment I was expecting has now halved!! Yet again using money as a tool.
I also didn’t get a house I applied for and now I feel like I will be waiting here when all I want to do is settle and move on!I am also considering whether or not I want to go to the police about the abuse. I believe I have sufficient evidence from over the years to prove coercive control if nothing else. I just don’t know whether I want to do it for me or to prove he is what I say he is and why should he walk away unscathed after everything he’s done!? I need time to think about that definitely. I may post separately asking for advice on going down that road…
Sorry for rambling on! I must have needed to get all that off my chest.
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