3rd February 2016 at 8:51 am #8937
I managed to get all my things out of old house and have moved in to my new house. Part of me feels like a huge weight has been lifted. I got a cheap phone and turned mine off so he couldn’t contact me. It felt great to know he couldn’t ring or text.
I turned my usual phone on yesterday. I had a number of messages from him, not nasty ones but all a bit ‘woe is me’. He said things like – I thought you might have been in touch to let me know you are all ok. Anyway he rang me yesterday and I answered, partly because I know I am going to have to speak to him at some point about the children. He says he can’t understand where all this has come from, he thought he was changing. He thinks I am just stressed out and not thinking clearly. He says he loves me and it doesn’t matter what I say, he isn’t going to let me go. I tried explaining to him that my feelings for him have changed and that although I love him, I’m not in love with him and he doesn’t make me happy. His reply was that that is what happens when you’ve been married a long time. Your feelings change. He even asked if he could call and see me for sex!
I wrote him a long letter explaining how I feel and why I left. He said yesterday that he had read some of it but thrown it in the bin because I was clearly going over the same old things. Perhaps if he’d have read it all, he would understand my feelings. The weight is slowly starting to build as I foolishly was hoping he would get the message this time. I no that no contact is the only way forward but it is so hard with the children. He has played a massive part in their care whilst I have been at work and they miss him x
3rd February 2016 at 12:32 pm #8946WanderingCloudParticipant
Just wanted to say well done for making such a positive move, I think it is great.
Typical isn’t it that whilst they claim they are concerned and want to know why you left, they clearly cannot take any responsibility for their own actions. I also think its quite telling in that he says he loves you and it doesn’t matter what you say, he isn’t going to let you go. The fact that it doesn’t matter what you say speaks volumes, he is clearly not interested in your feeling so needs, only his own. Typical narcissistic traits.
3rd February 2016 at 4:06 pm #8950LisaMain Moderator
Well done Marthamoo for taking the big step and moving into your new house. Now you have a place that is just yours and free of abuse, a safe haven for you and the children.
I understand how hard it can be when you have children to go no contact but it does make a huge difference to your well being and every day quality of life. There are often ways around speaking directly if you do decide that that is what you want. Remember that your ex will always try and pull you back in and he will try many different methods to do this. To not even read the letter that you wrote him after you spent time to write it says a lot. He will never give you the reaction you want or deserve and whilst you are seeing him there will always be a part of you that hopes that he will.
Anyway you are doing amazingly well and you should give yourself the pat on the back that you deserve. Well done!
3rd February 2016 at 5:50 pm #8961SavingmyselfParticipant
Well done you did it good for you
Now you need to go as low contact as you possibly can and don’t let him into your head
You don’t owe him nothing
As you need your space anymore you tried to be the better person and explain to him and he throw it in the bin
Don’t try to explain it to him anymore he is a grown man and he knows what he has done
Enjoy your new home so happy for you
Big hugs x*x
3rd February 2016 at 5:52 pm #8962lilbbysproutParticipant
Congratulations on finding the strength within yourself to follow your truth and take the steps to move into a new house away from him. It isn’t easy, and what you did took immense courage. I’m proud of you, as you should be of yourself. Although I do not have children and can not relate on that level, I know how hard it can be to both leave and have to continue to sort out odds n’ ends after leaving. My abuser, too, asked if he could continue to contact me for sex after separating. The most important thing is to recognize that you have loved yourself enough as well as your children to assert your wants, your needs, and what your heart was saying through it all. Continue to be that. You are not alone. I wish you all the best and continuous peace/light in your life.
4th February 2016 at 12:19 am #8993White RoseParticipant
Well done Marthamoo what great news. I hope you and the children are settling in ok.
Try to reduce contact with him otherwise he’ll creep back in to your head and wear you down again.
Take care x*x
4th February 2016 at 8:53 am #9008
Thank you everyone for your supportive messages. I’ve had a bit of a rough morning. He spoke to our son (removed by moderator) and they arranged that he would take them to school (removed by moderator). It is the first time they have spoken since we left. I dropped them off at his (removed by moderator) and wish I hadn’t. He is furious at me. He has thrown my phone and car keys across the drive, he has said I am selfish for doing what I have done. He says that he deserves to be treated better than he is and feels used. He says that I have w****d myself and have used him for money. The reality is, he has been left with 2 fairly expensive cars, a thriving business and our marital home. All I did was get him to pay for some school dinners for our son. He has kicked me on the back of the legs and said I deserved it for what I have done. All this in the space of 15 minutes. Part of me is shocked, the other isn’t. I just can’t believe that when he hasn’t seen his children for nearly a week, they would have been his priority. I’m at work now, trying my best to not let him get to me x
4th February 2016 at 10:24 am #9012godschildParticipant
I assume he did all of this in front of your Son ? You cant be put through this each time yo drop your children off is there an alternative to having to see him . All they see is themselves they cannot see what they have done to you, its all about them they are so twisted in their minds. “He” deserves to be treated better, its “you” that deserves to be treadted better, I would have no contact at all with him after what he has done to you today xx
5th February 2016 at 8:47 am #9070
It is early days I know, but I am still in the mind set of ‘it must be my fault’ somehow. Deep down I know it isn’t but he is a master of making me feel bad. My stomach is doing flips this morning as he has messaged to ask where I was last night. He drove up my cul de sac and my car wasn’t there. He says he does it every night to make sure everything is ok. It has made me feel really uneasy. Will my life ever be my own? xx
5th February 2016 at 9:46 am #9071SavingmyselfParticipant
He kicks you and the next min he wants to know where you are. What a cheek
You need to stay away from him don’t go any where near him
Be strong and Text him and tell him after he kicked you the other day you want nothing more to do with him and to leave you alone . Don’t answer his texts and calls . Text or email only about the children . If they are old enough they can sort out their own contact with their father if they want to see him and they will be safe with him .
Call the helpline as they can advise you better
Big hugs x*x
6th February 2016 at 10:26 pm #9207Confused123Participant
Congratulations for getting out , sending u massive hug , his behaviour is so like a typical abuser, my ex did same ask if we could still meet to have sex, constant driving at your new place ,,throwing abuae how it’s all our fault , see him as a toxic drug and do no contact , please get non mol against him , I thought this wasn’t possible if kids had contact but there r ways around it , don’t make same mistake as me , please try and be brave and log the attack , don’t see the kick on legs as something small
6th February 2016 at 11:20 pm #9213
Thank you again ladies for your supportive messages. I am going to try ring the helpline for some advise. I think part of my problem is the fact that because I have lived with his behaviour for so long, I have become de-sensitised to it. Things that would frighten, upset or shock someone who hasn’t lived with abuse, don’t have the same effect on me. Confused123 is so right. The kick on the leg didn’t seem a big deal to me. Or the fact that he was in my face shouting and really being quite threatening. It has become the norm. A bit of distance is allowing me to see his manipulative behaviour more clearly and his little games are becoming more obvious.
I don’t think he is really too bothered about the children. Part of me thinks that he is just using them as a means to keep the contact going with me. I wont be at all suprised that when he finally realises that we are over, he will cut contact with us altogether x
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