I did something stupid and now I’m worried

[Copperflame]

I stupidly got in contact with my ex whom I left quite a while ago. I ended up meeting him and he said he wanted us to be friends. I knew I was doing the wrong thing when I agreed, but for some reason found it hard to say no and now I’m feeling very uncomfortable with it.

Can’t give details on here, but I decided to ask the police for advice and was seen at the police station. This morning the police phoned and want to see me again. They’re talking about pressing charges and now I’m feeling very anxious.

My ex was emotionally abusive. When I left him I went to a refuge, but I’ve always minimised the abuse and minimised the risk. I remember saying to the refuge staff that I still found it hard to accept I’d been abused. They assured me I wouldn’t have been there if I hadn’t been abused. My ex is very manipulative and when we were together a lot of the abuse consisted of gaslighting, the silent treatment and generating a nasty atmosphere.

I’m guessing that if they’re talking about pressing charges it could be for coercive control? If they speak to him he’s going to be furious and now I’m feeling really scared.

[KIP.]

Please wait and see what they have to say to you. You can always simply block your ex again. We have all done stupid things but especially when we have been abused our rational thinking process goes out the window. I was desperate to contact my ex for quite some time just to make sure he wasn’t planning to hurt me again. It’s mind blowing because if I had contacted him again I would have given him that opportunity. Take some notes when you meet with the police and think about what they say. Make sure it’s the domestic abuse police you’re speaking to. Perhaps take someone with you if you can x

[Copperflame]

Thanks KIP, I’ve been feeling very anxious since they rang this morning, but I’m not going to say or do anything until they’ve been to see me.

The officer I spoke to said that if, during the course of an interview, things are disclosed that could be classed as an offence, they will take the matter further. So I’m guessing that since they have done so, maybe I said things that could potentially be classed as an offence. The officer wouldn’t give details over the phone other than that they want to see me again.

I know exactly what you mean about wanting contact to know what they’re up to in order to feel safer. I’m so annoyed with myself for letting him back into my life after so long with no contact. I think it was because I was feeling a bit lonely at the time – arghhh!

Thanks again, Copperflame xx

[Twisted Sister]

Dear Copperflame

I hear the place you are in. It’s becomes extremely hard to do what’s for the best when you ave been abused. Certainly, from my own experience I only later realised that I was acting purely out of fear. This fear was buried so deep, on such a sub-conscious level, because for so long I didn’t understand the effects his behaviours had on and over me. He knew how scared I was, I didn’t, andi think I fought it also. I was told by police to ‘just say no’, but I actually couldn’t, I was too scared to. Like you I also felt very alone and really needed some warmth and friendship.

What’s goes on underneath the actions is often unseen and undetected by such as the police. So its quite amazing that they are pursuing this.

I would ask them specifically what crimes they mean, as this could put you at significantly increased risk, and its not just from him (if he’s anything like my ex), it will be from others that he uses also.
I would definitely block him any way you can Gough and maybe get cameras and additional locks around the house to keep you safe.

Warmest wishes ts

[Copperflame]

Hi Twisted sister and thank you for your kind words. I totally get what you mean about not realising how scared you are. I keep thinking I’m not scared of him, but deep down I am. At the moment I’m so on edge – the police had to cancel my appointment due to a heavy workload, and have rearranged for another time. I don’t know why I feel so scared because I’ve done nothing wrong, but when I saw them for advice I had no idea they would get back in touch about pressing charges. Presumably this could mean arresting him? He is going to be furious.

My ex is a man who is outwardly very mild mannered and easy going, and most people who know him think he’s a really nice person, but underneath that mild exterior is a man who is chronically angry and who harbours a deep hatred of women. I managed to speak to one of his exes and it turned out he’d stalked her and she’d reported him. I told the police I was concerned about this, but so far there is no evidence that he’s been stalking me and until there is, there is no action they can take. He’s an abuser whose MO is very crafty and under the radar so I feel he’s unlikely to do anything too ‘obvious’ if you see what I mean.

I’m guessing they’ll tell me what they’re planning to charge him with when I see them. OMG this is so scary! How are you getting on?

Best wishes, Copperflame x*x

[KIP.]

Don’t worry about the feelings of guilt. All the way through I felt I was the one being investigated. The guilty one, even in court as a witness, it must be something to do with the abuse and the threats and lack of confidence because I certainly don’t feel guilty now. Hang in there. Have you used Claire’s Law to ask the police if he has any prior convictions?

[Author]

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