I Didn't Realise It Was This Bad!

[Stronger]

Hello everyone, I have just joined. I have been in a relationship with a man for some years and have a young daughter. It was only his reaction to her being rushed to hospital that opened my eyes to how much damage he had done. He had taken complete control of me. He controlled our money, who I see, we had to have curtains closed all the time, no music and me and our daughter had to be silent or he’d get angry. He has now been removed from our lives but I feel so lost! I’m having to learn how to do everything again. I keep feeling like I’m over reacting and my daughter keeps asking why daddy doesn’t love us. It’s all break g my heart….. I am a surviver and I will get through this because I have to for my daughter. I just can’t see a way at the moment and feel like such a bad mum. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you so much for reading my words.

[Fudgecake]

Hello Stronger,
Welcome to the forum and well done for taking back control of your life. The situation you left sounds very similar to the one I left recently. Things like keeping curtains closed, whispering etc don’t sound that bad when you’re outside looking in or back on a situation but when you’re in it 24/7 trying to adhere to all the control tactics just for a quiet life, well it wears you down until there’s barely anything left of who you are.
Then you start to question yourself because as a normal person that’s what we do. We look at our behaviour and think of their feelings and end up walking on eggshells, changing who we are but it doesn’t change a thing.
Then there is the effect that living under a dominating control freak has on our kids. They will start tothink that living like that is how everyone lives. That and the emotional damage caused to our children by them too walking on eggshells is frightening to think about.
Don’t ever doubt the decision you made.
But the conditioning you experienced by your ex’s controlling ways will creep in to cause you doubt. Just remember that you and your child having to tip toe about jumping through unreasonable hoops to appease someone is no life. I bet the ex made as much noise as they liked and swanned about like the king of the castle.
You did well to get out.Now you can breathe.

[Iwantmeback]

Hi and welcome. You are absolutely amazing in that you have gotten away from him and his behaviour 💛💛 it takes time to heal from being brainwashed, some call it indoctrination or being radicalised. We are all individual and as such our timeline to healing differs but we all go through the same emotions, very like those when we greive the loss of a loved one. Google FOG (fear,obligation and guilt) created by living in an abusive relationship. There’s also trauma bonding which explains why we stay. Please don’t ever believe this is your fault, none of this is, it’s all on him. It’s nothing to do with his childhood, or, mental health or his drink or drugs problem, or because he’s under so much stress at work, these are excuses. He abuses because he chooses to plain and simple.
There are some good books you can download, ‘why does he do that’ by Lundy Bancroft can be downloaded as a pdf for free, and living with the dominater by Pat Craven is anither good one.
Don’t lie to the LO when they ask about daddy, Lundy Bancroft has written a book on how to explain to children plus women’s aid can help with this too. Have you spoken to anyone from them yet. They is an amazing network of people out there willing to help us, come to terms with abuse, help us plan an escape route and heal after leaving.

Best wishes. IWMB 💕💕

[Stronger]

I can’t thank you enough for your comments and advice. I have been in contact with so many people but to be honest it has all been for my daughter. I have kind of been running on adrenalin and mummy mode. I hadn’t even thought about me really! Everyone keeps telling me how well I’ve done and how brave I am. I don’t feel it! All I feel is stupid for allowing it all to happen, bad for putting my little girl through it all and focused on taking back control and making her happy! I feel like I am drowning in courts, paperwork and endless phone calls… Please tell me it gets better? I know it is stupid but I keep feeling bad for him too. Asking myself if it’s okay to not allow him to speak to our daughter, am I hurting him? Even after the judge told put in place extreme measures and my solicitor was shocked at the speed, I still doubt I’m doing the right thing! How long till I can trust myself to make decisions again?? Sorry. I know these are silly questions but I can feel myself falling apart and I can’t allow that. I have to be strong for my beautiful little girl who is going through so much mentally. I am so grateful for this safe place to say how I feel without fear. Thank you x

[EbonyRaven]

You are absolutely doing the right things. The paperwork, calls etc. do taper off after a little while, and it does become easier. It’s quite overwhelming at first though I know.

As caring, kind people, we can’t help but feel bad for them sometimes, remember though, that it was his actions that led to this situation, and that put him, and you, where you are now. You haven’t done anything bad to him.

None of your questions are silly, by the way. We’ve all been through these sorts of things, and we’ve all asked ourselves, and asked here, similar questions.

Treat yourself well too, for your own sake, as well as for your child. Do something nice for yourself, even if it’s a tiny thing. You deserve it. (You do, really). x

[Stronger]

Thank you EbonyRaven. It’s so easy to get so lost and it all feels so never ending at the moment. It’s just so nice to not feel alone. Thank you x

[Iwantmeback]

Don’t feel bad for him, don’t give him any more of your thoughts. He did this, all of it. As ebonyraven says, you did nothing wrong. He wore a mask before, then he started to let it slip bit by bit until Mr nice guy was only seen when it suited him. Take time for yourself, learn what you like, what your boundaries are, what you’ll not give up to please others. Learn to say no, or yes. You have a blank page now, you have a gift and that’s to teach your child how to love herself, to respect herself, to have boundaries and to not allow anyone to push them or knock them down. Teach her how to look out for bad people, how to recognise red flags in relationships. The world is a beautiful place and there are many kind and loving people who inhabit it. Just take things a day at a time.
Love to you both
IWMB 💕💕

[Stronger]

Thank you so much IWantMeBack, your words really help me focus on what I need to do. I just need to learn how to do that! It feels like ‘me’ has gone and I need to find her again. I can’t thank this forum enough. People say ‘words can’t hurt you’ they really can but they can also heal. Thank you!!💞

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