"I didn't want it to be over, I wanted it to be better"

[SunshineRainflower]

I felt a wave of sadness today about my ex and ended up doing an ill-advised google search for him. It seems to be how I am getting over it all. It was triggered by a message from someone else on an app we used to use for daily communication. I miss sending him messages on there and receiving his messages, using the silly emojis, the cutesy stuff couples do. I miss feeling like I had someone who cared about me, who wanted to spend his time with me. I miss going round to his house and looking forward to weekends together. I miss cuddling up to him on the sofa, curling up next to him to sleep, waking up in his arms, having nice breakfasts together, planning our weekend. In the early days he just seemed like the best boyfriend in the world, I miss those days.

I’m so sad that he turned out to be the way he is. I feel so sad that he couldn’t just be the sweet person I met at the beginning. I really liked that guy. I miss that guy a lot. I’m not as bad as I was but I am still somewhat heartbroken for the man I lost who never really existed.

Initially he was amazing in bed, he had this masculine energy that I found so attractive. It felt so wonderful after a relationship years ago where I did not fancy my partner and where I did not enjoy sex. I felt so lucky to have found a man that was a friend who I also enjoyed sleeping with. I’m so sad that it was all an illusion, I’m still devastated thinking about the women he was probably cheating on me with, still haunted by the questions about which women he was sleeping with, wondering if he has moved them into the ‘main girlfriend’ role now that I have left.

I wish he didn’t have to lie. To gaslight me. To say hurtful things. To manipulate me. To cheat. To use my mental health against me. It was exhausting and draining and negative. He had such a bad effect on me but I had no idea it was him who was causing it until it all started to dawn on me one horrific weekend.

Why couldn’t he be real? Why is it that I only seem to enjoy sex with men who later turn out to be abusive and controlling? Is it their high testosterone levels or is it just a coincidence? Maybe it’s trauma from my childhood. Maybe it’s their confidence, their arrogance.

I hope to one day meet a man who is my best friend but also an awesome lover! I’ve never experienced this in my life so far. I feel panicked when I see women my age with children who are in primary school. Makes me feel like I’m running out of time. Makes me wonder “how come they found a good guy in time, or maybe he’s not that good and she puts up with a lot of rubbish from him? Does she really fancy him or did she just settle?”

I wish I could reverse the clock 10 years sometimes, meet a wonderful guy and have children. I’ve started to plan becoming a single mother but I would still rather meet a good man and have children together.

Anyway I just needed to write down this stream of consciousness today, thanks for listening anyone who has read this.

[Anonymous]

Hi sunshinerainflower

It’s like i read my own story
I was the same hoping he would change
but it got worse .the gaslighting was the worst torture ever .he screwed my head up so so bad

Love dont hurt hun. You are worth more than your abuser like me .take time for yourself a lot of self care . I wish I’d run so many times but i stayed i loved him so so much .but obviously it was all such a sick game to him

Stay strong hun we are here for you X

[Whendoesitend]

Sunshine rain flower. Reading your post felt like reading about me. Its exactly that, I didn’t want it to be over, I wanted it to be better. I couldn’t have written it better myself. It’s so good to be able to speak to other people who actually understand instead of just saying “oh get over it” etc. Which is very unhelpful. Hugs to you Hun. X x

[SunshineRainflower]

Thanks for your reply Whendoesitend, I know exactly what you mean about people expecting you to get over it, my friends listened at first and were great but I can tell they are starting to get a bit impatient with me. It’s not their fault, they just don’t understand all the feelings we go through, but unfortunately it contributes to us feeling isolated.

They cannot understand the extreme pain, the trauma bonding, the missing the abuser despite knowing he could kill us, the unbearable loneliness, the mourning of the man we thought we had, the mourning of the future we thought we had, the PTSD with triggers everywhere, thinking about them constantly, finding it so hard to move on, wondering if we will ever heal, wondering if there are any truly good men in the world, wondering if we’ll ever find a good man or end up with another abuser or alone forever. I totally get it, I’m so glad this forum is here and everyone understands. xx

[Whendoesitend]

You write so accurately. The sense of relief finding this forum is huge. Sometimes I literally feel like I’m going to go crazy. My first post on here is quite long. It’s on the life after abusive relationship page. Titled “struggling. Obsessive thoughts. Am I crazy”
Some days are so difficult. And though horrendous that you other ladies on here have had to experience this awfulness, it’s comforting to finally find people who understand. I wish it could be that people could just understand without having to experience it.

[SunshineRainflower]

Thanks Iamfree, your reply was very kind and made me shed a tear, in a good way.

You’re right, love shouldn’t hurt. I’ve never had a relationship that doesn’t hurt, even when the man wasn’t abusive. I’m not sure why, I’m starting therapy soon hoping to figure it out.

Would like nothing more than to have a happy, healthy relationship one day, I live in hope 🙂

I’m sorry to hear you experienced the same thing, it was the most painful thing I’ve ever been through. I agree about the gaslighting, it gave me the creeps when I realised he was gaslighting me and lying to my face. It was like in a horror film when suddenly dawns on the main character that someone close to them is trying to hurt them and they have to get away safely, it’s very eerie and scary.

I’m glad you got out too. We deserve love, happiness, kindness and respect. The loneliness is the hardest thing but it helps to feel it and cry, I feel like I’m healing each time I do.

[Anonymous]

Hi hun

Healing takes time . Iam in councilling. Best thing ever .i have good and bad days .it’s the pyscolocical trauma the most hurtful words he said to me. It replays over and over in my mind.. but you know what i would rather have bad days than living with a monster.. glad you are free . Live life to the full .it P****S them.off .they tried to destroy us .but failed .keep going small steps forward xx

[Whenwillifindhappiness]

Sunshinerainflower. I have exactly the same thoughts. It cripples me some days and all I think about is him and maybe I exaggerated, maybe he wasn’t that bad.
I’m pregnant and he moved on days after we split. The thought of them 2 together makes me sick. The thought of him being the guy I fell in love with to her. The fake him that never existed but that’s the man I’m missing. I’m missing having the thought of someone caring for me, ringing from work asking about my day and now I have no one when I could of had him.
I’m lucky I have my children but all I wanted was a loving relationship, is that really too much to ask xx

[SunshineRainflower]

Thanks Whenwillifindhappiness, it’s good to know others can relate. I know the feeling, it’s so so hard to deal with and get through. How are you and the baby doing? Sending you lots of good vibes xx

[Relieved]

I can relate to all of this as I stayed for years in an abusive marriage because I desperately wanted it to work, to make it better – I didn’t want to be divorced, I didn’t want my kids to come from a broken home. I tried and tried and tried to make it work, to make his life happy so he would be nice to me and the kids but I can see now it was never going to work. I am grieving for the relationship I wanted and thought I had. I miss the man I fell in love with and still can’t believe he was controlling me from day 1(I can see it all now)! I suppose I miss the hope that one day he would change and we would be happy ever after – it was just a dream sadly 🙁

[SunshineRainflower]

Thanks Relieved, I can totally relate to what you said. Mourning what we never really had. xx

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi ladies,

Thanks so much for your replies. I’m so glad that other women can relate although I’m sad that this is so common.

I’m crying as I write this. Sometimes I just feel like I’ll never get over it. I’d been single for years when I met my ex as I just couldn’t seem to find anyone I liked enough who also liked me the same to start a relationship with. I’d also had problems with anxiety and depression. When I met him he opened up this new hope, a light within me. I’d been on and off dating sites and was so sick of men disappearing, or being rude, or sleazy, or finding out they were already married and looking for a mistress etc. It was depressing. Then my ex turns up all cute and polite and gentlemanly and earnest and sincere, not sleazy at all and very keen on me. I wasn’t attracted to him at first but felt like I should give him a chance as he seemed to sweet and interested, I felt I’d be crazy to walk away in case he turned out to be my future husband, and he was the only guy who was behaving the way I wanted. Initially I felt so happy with him, so lucky to have met this seemingly wonderful guy after years of disappointing men. I thought ‘finally it is happening for me too!’

But then he started to do and say strange things, being emotionally abusive, putting me down, mocking me, laughing at me, made me text him every morning ‘as otherwise he’d worry I was going to break up with him.’ He would get very angry suddenly over tiny things, never took responsbility for everything, blamed me for everything even though it was things he had done wrong, started threatening me and then started telling me I was imagining things, blaming it on my mental health, gaslighting. He started to tell awful misognystic jokes about women and domestic violence and he liked to put his hands on my neck, joked about killing me and seemed to like violence, making me watch violent films and computer games. The gentleman I had been dating slowly turned into an abusive, violent misogynist. After I left it dawned on me he’d been cheating the whole time with god knows how many women and possibly men too. I need to go again and have another set of STD tests, it is so awful thinking he put my mind, body and soul at risk so evilly an cruelly whilst pretending to be this honest, upstanding, respectable man.

I just feel so miserable about it still. I feel like a broken record. I met a therapist today, I hope she can help me but she was very young and we didn’t go into much detail. I feel very depressed. At times suicidal, because I don’t see much point in my life. I feel so envious of those with healthy relationships, I feel so devastated by the fact that I finally thought I’d met a good man after years of duds and he turned out to be by far the worst of the lot, and would possibly even have killed me had I stayed.

I feel like he carefully and cleverly got me to trust him, to open up my mind, body, heart and soul to him, then ripped them out of me and crushed them before me all the while laughing in my face, an absolute psychopath. I didn’t know anything about psychopaths when I met him, now I am an expert, but I just wish they didn’t exist. I just wish he’d been the good guy I met in the beginning, life can be so utterly cruel sometimes.

I hope I can move forward soon, I’m sick of thinking about him all the time, of remembering his abuse, his cheating, his lies, his smirking, his nasty comments. I’m sick of crying, sick of my city, sick of my life. I just want to feel more positive and hopeful again, but it is so, so hard. When I see women 10 years younger than me who are all beautiful and positive and employed I feel envious and wish I didn’t feel so jaded, so depressed, so old and tired, such a failure at life. I’m not even old, but life has been so tough with depression, anxiety, unemployment, an abusive family and abusive men.

Thanks for listening. x

[Anonymous]

Hi sunshinerainflower

Do not blame yourself. I tried and tried to make things work with my ex .but it got worse
With the threats.. he provoked me so bad i would of ended up stabbing him .. but i never because iam not a violent person..but when he used my past against me in emotional abuse..it hurt like hell ..then he said he loved me nah ..that aint love that’s brain torture

We have to love ourselves now
Be grateful we are alive

These monsters are evil
I was made out i was obsessed with my ex from police what a crock of poop ..it was the otheright way about .. he made me do illegal things etc .. controlled me .

But you know what hun we are stronger than them
They cowards .they don’t like seeing a good person do good..they destroy us

Well they try hope your head up high straighten your crown hugs xx

[Outlook]

It is so sad being in love with someone and you cannot be with them.

I left two days ago and I’m beside myself.

I have new number and am staying in the country side so he cannot find me but I just want to go home.

His tactics are different this time.. I left a note telling him to not contact me or try to find me and he hasn’t so far. But it has me questioning why he hasn’t. Is he planning something or does he already know where I am. What he’s done to my head is made me absolutely insane.

Like it was said earlier on this you start thinking if you’ve over exaggerated, is it really that bad, I can handle the manipulation and the control if he was just the nice, perfect version of him all the time. I’m sure it would be manageable then but he cannot even do that for longer than two days.

People do not get it. They think you’re happy your out and it’s a weight of your shoulders, expecting you to sleep well at night but it’s the complete opposite.

It’s so hard knowing that usually I’d be going home for a Chinese tonight, a long lay in on Saturday until midday waking up to breakfast to then veg out on the sofa all day watching our box sets. Instead I have no idea what I am going to do. I have a selection of clothes that I managed to grab and no home comforts. I know it wasn’t a happy home but at least I had my own things there.

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi Outlook,

I know exactly what you mean about your weekend routine. It’s stange because I used to so look forward to seeing him every weekend and spending the whole weekend together, after being single for years and my previous boyfriend being long distance, I cherished finally having a partner in my city! I would be getting ready to go round to his house, deciding which clothes to bring, we’d usually watch a film and cuddle up on Friday nights, then we’d go out for the day on Saturday or Sunday or both. I was so excitied to be spending so much time with him initially anyway. He used to make lovely breakfasts and would always do the washing up straight after, I felt so so lucky having such a domesticated boyfriend!!

But then each weekend I’d struggle with a growing depression that I couldn’t put my finger on. I used to tell him I’d be feeling depressed or having doubts and he’d hug and comfort me, I thought he was such a great guy, and I was so worried about losing him, thinking that it was my own attachment issues making me depressed, having no idea at the time that he was lying to me, abusing me and cheating on me. I remember each weekend he’d do or say one or two strange or incredibly hurtful things which seemed completely out of character but then act like it was a joke or that I’d misinterpreted it, but it contributed to my depressed state as I just wanted to have a nice time with him. I realise now he was doing this on purpose to unsettle and hurt me, throw me off balance and confuse me.

Towards the end I started to have this feeling of fear in my stomach before driving round to his house that just seemed crazy at the time, I didn’t understand it at all. My gut was picking up on everything he was doing whilst my conscious was completely brainwashed. The gut was right as the last time he started verbally attacking me with a look of glee in his eye, accused me of lying, of being hostile when I was getting more and more scared of him. At the end he threatened me whilst raising his hand and then later on denied the whole thing had happened, said I’d imagined it all.

I guess we have to remember the abuse rather than the ‘good time.’ It’s hard though, we have to mourn the loss of the man we thought we had, readjust to being single and heal from all of the pain.

P.S I too have no idea what I’m doing this weekend, I dread weekends as I feel incredibly lost and lonely, I’m not speaking to my family either as they are also abusive so I feel very isolated. I’m going to look for some activities I can start doing at weekends so I can meet new people and get out of the house, or even look for a part time job because it’s so hard being on your own when everyone else is in a couple or has their own famly. xx

[Author]

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